Quotable Moments
by ice princess deluxe
Summary: Fifty little slice-of-life vignettes involving Juliana Shepard, her helmsman, and their shared love of vintage movie quotes that span the course of all three games.
1. red

Title: Quotable Moments  
Rating: T for language, dirty minds and flirty bits. Rating may or may not change for later Mass Effect 3-centric chapters.  
Note: I got bit by the LJ community 1sentence's prompt list again. I get way too wordy to limit myself to one sentence per prompt, so here's fifty little slice-of-life vignettes involving Juliana Shepard, her helmsman, and their shared love of vintage movie quotes that span the course of all three games. Spoilers abound, constructive criticism is encouraged, and since I'm awful at thinking up chapter titles, I'll just name the prompt I used for each instead.

* * *

"So, that's the Commander, huh?"

Kaidan nodded. "Yep. And looks like she overheard your 'fly is undone' comment."

"And didn't mention it, so that probably means that she's not a hardass like everyone was afraid of." Joker leaned out of his seat to try to catch a glimpse of their retreating XO. "Speaking of hardasses, _damn_, did you check that out?"

"Joker…"

"Oh, come on! I can't be the only guy in the room noticing stuff like this! Shepard might be some big war hero and all, but she's absolutely smokin' _hot_, man."

"She's also higher up in ranks than we are. That means…"

"Yeah, yeah. We can look, but we can't touch. Lighten up, Alenko. Sheesh, you're so serious sometimes."

"Someone has to make up for you."

"I can be serious!" There was a pause. "Hey?"

"_What_?"

"Serious question: you think she's a natural redhead?"

Kaidan groaned, wishing there was something handy nearby to chuck at his pilot.


	2. talent

"What illness? Are you sick?"

Joker stared up at his new commander, thinking that he really stepped into it this time. "You didn't know? Aw crap."

Shepard folded her arms over her chest. "I haven't had a chance to go over crew records yet." In the short time that she'd known her helmsman, she got the impression that he used humor to deflect away from serious topics that he'd rather not talk about. While he was somewhat on the prickly side, she felt that she was a good enough judge of character to know that he was all right. Clearly, his illness was a delicate topic, one that she decided not to go into further detail for the time being. "But now I'm really interested in reading up on all those commendations you talked about."

"That's it?" he asked, his hat shadowing his face, making his expression unreadable. "No questions, no wondering if having Vrolik's is going to hinder my flying abilities?"

She shook her head. "You wouldn't be here if that was the case, Lieutenant. And you certainly wouldn't be bragging about being the best damn helmsman in the Alliance if you didn't believe it for yourself." She looked up towards all the different switches, trying to remember what everything did from her required flight classes. It felt like it had been a lifetime ago since she had been behind anything remotely resembling even the most basic of controls the Normandy possessed. "I'm positive that there'll be plenty of opportunities to show me your skills."

Joker shook his head. "You're nothing like I expected," he murmured, wincing when he realized he said it out loud.

"Oh?" Examining her nails, she gave him a blank look. "Let me guess, you thought I'd be some sort of intimidating hardass marine, right? Probably jaded from fighting in the Blitz and that I'd have a collection of Batarian skulls in my footlocker?

"Or were you thinking that I was the type of career military person who slept her way up the ranks, that everything that went down on Elysium had happened because I managed to be in the right place at the right time by sheer dumb luck?"

He looked up at her, his eyes wide. "I didn't mean…"

She nodded, the blank look fading. "I know you didn't. I got to where I am now because I've worked my ass off since Day One. I've _earned_ every single medal and commendation I have to my name, just like you have. I've had to hear my share of negativity; I've heard variations of what I just told you way too many times to count." She arched her eyebrow at him meaningfully. "And I'm positive that you've had your fill of negative comments too. Thing is, none of that defines who we are, right?"

She watched as the tense, defensive line of his shoulders gradually relaxed. She let out a breath. Starting off on the wrong foot with any of her crew would be a bad thing, especially since Anderson wasn't on board to give her any hints on how to deal with individuals. She'd have to find out everything on her own, which excited and terrified her at the same time.

And wasn't it wonderful that she nearly stepped on a landmine during her very first interview? She hoped that the rest of the crew wouldn't be as touchy with her while she asked some personal questions.

Then again, she hadn't thought that any of the other crew members she'd already come into contact with were as cute as her Flight Lieutenant, which probably had something to do with why her tongue had tripped up in the first place. Luckily, she thought quickly on her feet and it seemed that sharing some of her own personal experiences had smoothed the situation over.

"No, ma'am," he agreed. He tilted his head up and she saw that underneath the brim of his hat that he looked to be curious about her. _Good, I think we're going to be seeing a lot of the other,_ she thought.

"Good. Plot a course for the Artemis Tau cluster. We have a lead that Liara T'Soni is somewhere there."

Joker's fingers flew over his console. "We should probably start searching in the Knossos system; they have several planets with Prothean ruins."

Shepard nodded in approval. "Smart thinking. Now if you excuse me," she said, giving him a wink. "I have some reading up to do."

Not being able to help himself, he called after her. "My file isn't complete, you know. Someone decided to leave off my current standing as Beer Pong Champ."

He heard a snort of laughter behind him. "Of course they did. Last time I checked, _I_ held that record."

Joker listened as the sound of her boots faded down the hall. "Oh yeah," he said quietly, a grin splitting his face. "I'm definitely going to like working with her."


	3. hurricane

Out of all the new prototypes that the Alliance had recently asked the Normandy to check out before they decided to mass-produce, Joker liked the combat cams the best. Truthfully, he hadn't quite finished reading up on the technical specs, but as he understood it, after attaching a sensor pad to the operator's temple, the camera was instantly synched up with the owner's field of vision, allowing whoever was remotely monitoring on the other end to see things from the operator's perspective. While he was completely comfortable flying high above the main action, it was nice to be able to get into the thick of it with merely a few flicks between team members' screens.

And with Shepard at the lead, he found out that he was getting a very good view of her backside. He snorted when he realized that he was looking through Kaidan's camera rig. _Doesn't notice things like that, my ass,_ he thought, smirking when Shepard stopped to turn and he was treated to an up-close picture of her chestplate before the camera quickly focused on a spot somewhere above her shoulder. _The blackmail material just keeps piling on!_

All the fun and games quickly stopped further down the road when Shepard tensed, her pistol drawn and sighted in front of her. For an Infiltrator, Shepard was certainly fond of going toe to toe with the geth instead of retreating to a safe distance and sniping away like Joker had known others of her class to do. After switching from Kaidan's camera to Shepard's, Joker had a completely new respect for her abilities. Every shot was measured, every move precise. Even using a less-than-reliable pistol, she never wasted a single bullet. He watched as she took down a group of geth fighters in a span of three seconds before rolling to cover, her reflexes razor sharp. While he had known from second-hand gossip that she was _good_, Joker realized that all the description he'd ever heard paled in comparison to seeing her in action for himself.

She was a force of nature on the battlefield, leaving behind nothing but smoking destruction in her wake.

"Remind me to never to get on your bad side, Commander," he quipped, listening as she reloaded her pistol and caught her breath.

"That was nothing," she replied, tossing a medi-gel over to Kaidan, who was applying pressure to a bullet wound on Garrus' arm. "Wait till you see me pissed off."

Switching over to Garrus' feed to check out the damage, he chuckled. "Oh, I think I like you," he said, realizing belatedly that he'd left the communication line open. Before he could do damage control, he happened to see her mouth quirk upwards on the corner of Garrus' screen.

"Feeling's mutual. Now come on everybody. We've got an asari scientist to find."


	4. search

"I'm too old for this shit."

"_Lethal Weapon_ series." Pulling her legs up into the co-pilot's seat, Shepard smirked. "And that was practically a gimmie, especially with the latest _Blasto_ reusing that line."

Joker shrugged. "Hey, what can I say? Everything old is new again. Come on, your turn." He didn't know when it had come up, but during one of their conversations, Shepard had thrown out a movie quote and he'd correctly guessed it. That had led to them discovering that they shared a love for old movies made from the mid-1960's to the early 2000's, and Guess the Movie Quote had been born.

He'd even discovered that Shepard had a huge collection of vids spanning a variety of genres that had been painstakingly re-mastered and downloaded onto her omni-tool. He still hadn't gotten the nerve to ask if he could get a copy, but he was working on that.

"Good grief, planet scanning is boring as hell."

"That's not a quote."

"No, but it's an observation." Wrapping her arms around her legs, she rested her chin on her knees. "Is it always this boring up here?"

"Nah. I'm usually busy keeping an eye on your ground team or checking to see that the ship doesn't suddenly make a nosedive into the planet you're on. This is Dead Air; kind of like the times when we're going in FTL mode and there's nothing really to do except wait until we get to wherever we're going."

"So what do you do in times like this?"

"I dunno. Grab a bite to eat in the Mess, take a quick catnap, catch up on my Fornax reading." He wiggled his eyebrows at her, which made her laugh. "Play Guess the Movie Quote with my commanding officer. You know, stuff like that."

"Oh, well I'd hate to take you away from your Fornax."

"That's all right; I already finished the latest issue. I think I gave it to one of the guys down in Engineering. Probably won't get it back either. At least not in the same condition."

She made a face. "Okay, gross mental image there."

"I can keep going. That is, unless you hit me with a quote. Still your turn."

She stared at the screen in front of her, watching as the probes they sent around the planet searched for anything valuable. Unfortunately, she was drawing a blank. "I don't mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your left hand?"

"_Princess Bride_, 1987. You're one to talk about gimmies, you've already quoted three lines from that movie in the past week."

"I love that movie."

"Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line!"

"Iocane powder. I'd bet my life on it."

"You mock my pain."

Shepard jumped when the screen started blinking, signaling that the probes had found something. "Life _is_ pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." Stretching her legs back out in front of her, she turned to him. "Hey, I've got that movie on my 'tool. Wanna hang out and watch it when we've got some more time?"

He thought about it. While they hadn't been working together for very long, Shepard had a way of connecting with him. She was probably the most laid back commanding officer he had ever known and didn't seem to mind getting chummy with her crew. He didn't know if it was because she was so used to being amongst the working ranks instead of cloistered in her officer's quarters, but he liked it.

Pulling the Normandy out of its flight pattern, he made a beeline to the closest site the search probes had given him. "As you wish."


	5. laugh

"And then, Dad was all…Hey! There's some lady behind you."

Joker turned in his chair in time to see Shepard come up behind him. "Sorry," she said, noticing the girl on the screen in front of him. "I'll come back later."

He waved her over. "No, that's all right. We were just wrapping up, weren't we?"

The girl leaned closer to her screen. "Hi. I'm Hilary."

"I'm Juliana, though Joker here calls me Jules."

He rolled his eyes. "What? It's shorter and it fits you better."

Hilary laughed. "That's okay, he calls me Gunny." Tilting her head, she looked to be thinking about something. "Jules? So _you're_ the girl my brother is always talking about!"

"I don't _always_ talk about her!"

"You know, you're just as pretty as he says you are."

Shepard grinned and leaned on the back of Joker's chair. "I think I like you, Hilary. Tell me, what _else_ does your brother have to say?"

"Woah, we're getting some really bad interference. Gunny, I've got to drop connections." Joker shot Shepard the deadliest stink eye he had in his arsenal, but all she did was laugh.

"I think that's Joker's subtle way of saying that any family stories are supposed to stay in the family."

"That's weird. He usually just calls me a twerp instead."

"Hey Hills, you're a twerp."

"See, now that's more like it." His sister rolled her eyes in a very Joker-like way. "But I get the hint. I've gotta go anyway."

"Make sure to do your homework," Joker reminded her. "And help Dad around the farm, and…"

She gave a long-suffering sigh. "And don't talk to strange boys, I _know_."

"_Any_ boys!"

"Whatever. Talk to you later, SC. Love ya!" Hilary blew a kiss towards the screen then the monitor went blank.

Shepard leaned further on his chair. "So that's your little sister? She's cute."

"She has her moments. She's twelve." He couldn't keep the pride out of his voice.

"And she's lucky to have a big brother like you looking out for her."

He shrugged. "Eh, I have my moments too."

Shepard smirked. "Like telling your sister that you think I'm _pretty_?" she teased.

The tips of his ears turned bright red. "Yeah, pretty _annoying_. She left that part out because she's polite."

"I'm going to keep the ego boost and ignore that." Rounding the chair, she shifted her weight onto one leg. "So what does SC stand for?"

She didn't think it was possible, but his ears grew even redder. "Nothing. It's just a stupid nickname she came up with when we were growing up."

Deciding not to let a snippet of her pilot's personal history go to waste, Shepard pressed on in a different direction. "Gunny has to stand for something though." She watched as a soft smile spread over his face.

"It does. Hilary was always following me around when we were younger, always saying that she wanted to be just like her big brother." He lowered his head and let out a short laugh. "I remember this one time she found a pair of my old crutches and dragged them around for weeks. It was after…" He caught himself. Telling his commanding officer a story about how his baby sister had cheered him up while he recovered from a painful surgery to correct his bowed legs wasn't what he had meant to start talking about, but it just came out.

"Anyway," he said instead, clearing his throat and ignoring the easy way Shepard had snuck past his defenses. "When I got my wings, Hilary suddenly wanted to be a pilot, just like me. I told her that all the relief pilot spots were taken, but that she could man the turret guns with me instead. Long story short, I started calling her Gunny."

Shepard sighed. "I always wondered what it would be like to have a brother or sister." While she had grown up with a handful of other kids on each ship her parents had been stationed at, she had still felt isolated as an only child. It would have been nice to have someone to connect with instead of learning new names and faces every other year.

"It's not all that it's cracked up to be," Joker told her. "There were times I wished that I could have told her to stop bugging me, but now, I can't really see myself as _not_ having her as a kid sister."

"That sounds nice to have someone that close to you." She looked at him slyly. "Someone to give goofy nicknames to."

He groaned. "You're going to keep at this until I tell you, aren't you?"

"Uh huh."

"Promise you won't laugh?"

"Cross my heart. Come on, it can't be that bad."

He took a breath. "Space Cowboy."

She quirked an eyebrow. "Is there an explanation coming, or…?"

"I'm from Tiptree, this little backwater colony in the middle of nowhere. They didn't have the medical facilities that I needed, so Mom and I moved to Arcturus Station where she got a job as a civilian contractor. Dad couldn't leave the farm since that's what was paying for the majority of my treatments, and when Hilary came around, it was easier for her to stay with him while I got shuttled back and forth." He could remember countless vid conferences between siblings, Hilary asking a million questions.

"Dad must have told her something to keep her from getting scared about whatever surgery I was having, because out of the blue she started calling me Space Cowboy all the time when I turned sixteen. I went with it and told her that I was away wrangling stars for her. The nickname might have gotten shortened over the years, but it stuck." He eyed her. He was expecting some teasing, but all he got from her was a thoughtful expression. "What? No snarky comment?"

She shook her head. "Nope. I think it's really sweet that you have someone who cares enough about you to give you a nickname. Thank you for sharing that with me."

"You're welcome." He paused. "Hey, Jules?"

She grinned. As long as she could remember, no one had shortened her name like that. "What?"

"Was there a reason you came up here in the first place?"

"Oh. Yes, I wanted to give you the next coordinates." It was something she could have done via her omni-tool, but she had wanted to do it in person. There was something about Joker that sparked her curiosity and she wanted to get to know him better. He was a private person and seemed to have a personal bubble about a mile wide, but she just saw that as a personal challenge instead of the blatant 'stay back' sign it was.

And besides, he thought she was _pretty_. People thought she was an efficient, capable, deadly soldier with excellent leadership qualities, but never something so utterly feminine. It felt good that at least someone in the Alliance looked past all her medals and commendations and saw the woman underneath.

"Oooh, desert planets," Joker said, punching in the coordinates and doing the math for FTL travel. "Gotta love 'em."

"And that's usually where distress signals come from. It never fails that I wind up with sand in my suit. I hate that; it itches like crazy."

"Fun times." He looked up at her. "Anything else?"

She might not know him all that well yet, but Juliana felt that there was a start of a friendship between them. "No, that's all. I'll be down with Ash doing weapons detail if you need me." Smiling, she tapped at the shoulder of his chair. "See you, Space Cowboy."

Walking away, she heard his faint chuckle. "See you, Commander."


	6. fall

And this chapter might not have anything to do with my frustration on how I can't line up a sniper shot to save my life in-game during ME1, which is why Jules spends most of her time using pistols. *innocent whistle*

* * *

"A hush falls over the crowd as Commander Shepard takes aim."

"Joker…" Shepard didn't waste time rolling her eyes, she was busy getting a bead on a geth sniper. The damned thing was always moving from one position to another, but it hadn't spotted her from her position yet. Garrus and Kaidan had the other two geth fighters under control, so she took her time, held her breath, and then let it out on a slow exhale as she squeezed the trigger to her own sniper rifle.

There had never been anything so satisfying on the battlefield as seeing your target's head snap backwards and watching as they crumpled down to the ground in a heap.

"Nice shot," Joker said in her earpiece. If she wasn't mistaken, he was also doing a light golf clap in appreciation.

"Thanks." She holstered her gun and took out her pistol. She had a feeling that she'd need something with a quicker draw in the close combat situations the ruins of Zhu's Hope created. "Haven't had much of a chance to use Bertha yet. I've missed her." There was something wrong with her rifle's stability; every time she tied to line up a shot, her scope would wobble around all over the place. More times than not, it was quicker to just take down the bad guys with her pistol instead. She'd tried everything to modify her sights during her off-hours, but so far, nothing had worked.

"You named your gun Bertha?"

"Yep. She's big, she's mean, and…" she pointedly looked straight into the camera mounted on Kaidan's shoulder. "If anyone distracts her too much, she just bites their heads off."

There was an audible gulp in her ear that made her smirk. "Duly noted, Commander. And did I mention that your armor looks awful nice today? Are you using some sort of new polish or something?"

Shepard turned away from Kaidan's camera. Waving to her other teammates to take point positions, she chuckled. "Come on everyone. I've got a feeling that this isn't all the geth here. More shooting, less chatter."


	7. promise

"So, rampaging zombies, right? Not exactly my idea of an ideal vacation spot." Joker craned his neck to see around his headrest, expecting Shepard to stand behind him with her usual sarcastic grin. Instead, she had her arms crossed and a stormy look on her face. _Crap,_ he thought. _Way to judge your boss' mood._ To his surprise, she took a deep breath and slowly leaned against his seat, whatever anger that had been bubbling at the surface dissipating.

"Yeaaaah," she drawled, putting more of her weight on her forearms. "The tourist brochure totally lied about that one, didn't they?"

He let out a breath he hadn't been aware of holding. "Yep. Feros: come for the remote location, stay for the mind controlling houseplants! Doesn't quite have that special ring to attract visitors, does it?" The indelicate snort of laughter near his ear assured him that she was in a better mood. "Next time, promise to have us land somewhere nice and tropical, preferably _without_ zombies, okay?"

She chuckled as she tipped the bill of his cap low over his eyes. "You just want to see me in a bikini."

He listened to her footsteps as she walked away. Putting his hat back to rights, he suddenly realized that now that she mentioned it, he couldn't _stop_ thinking about what she'd look like in a swimsuit. Grinning, he tapped in the new coordinates Shepard had just posted him and thought that daydreaming about sand and surf and expanses of pale, pale skin weren't bad ways to occupy his time.


	8. midnight

"Shouldn't you be asleep?"

"Can't sleep. Loads of reports and paperwork will kill me."

He turned in his chair to watch as Shepard plunked down into the empty co-pilot's seat. It had started as one of his sarcastic barbs; one time she'd been standing behind him and he'd snapped that the least she could do was sit somewhere where he could actually see her if she planned on hanging around and talking to him. Now it was habit for her to do her mission reports on the bridge with him and to keep him company long after she was finished.

For a non-people person, he was surprised at how much he missed her quiet presence when she wasn't around.

"And how awful that would be: you spend the majority of your missions blasting the hell out of bad guys only to be done in by a few datapads and forms that need filling out in triplicate."

"Horrific." Playing with the end of her ponytail – Joker silently noted that she'd taken her hair down from its usual regulation bun and that instead of a uniform, it looked as if she was wearing a pair of workout sweats and a tank top – she tilted her head to the side. "Hey, it's past midnight. Wasn't your shift over a couple of hours ago?"

He shrugged. "Couldn't sleep." Tonight had been one of those nights where sleeping was proving impossible. Narrow Alliance cots, even when supplemented by extra padding, provided less cushioning than he'd like, especially after pulling an extra long shift during the last field mission. He hadn't been able to change positions as often as he should have and his back was letting him know loud and clear now that it didn't like the abuse. The new meds that Chakwas kept nagging him to take were helping somewhat, but he found that he could ignore his body's aches and pains better by keeping his mind engaged. Running diagnostic checks and going over flight reports were familiar, comforting, even.

"We're heading out to Noveria soon; I need everyone rested and at their best, especially my pilot." Standing up, she put a hand on his headrest.

"Everyone rested?" he asked, looking up at her. "Pot, I'd like to introduce you to Kettle."

"I'll go to bed if you promise to come with me."

He put a hand to his chest as if in shock. "_Commander_, you could have at _least_ offered to buy me dinner first. I'd even settle for just a drink."

Rolling her eyes at his fake offended tone and wide eyes, she tugged on the sleeve of his uniform. "That's not what I meant and you know it. Come on; the Alliance has relief pilots on their payroll for a reason. Call them up already."

Joker attempted to sigh, but it came out as a yawn instead. It was weird, but just talking to her seemed to relax him, his muscles loosening enough that sleep was looking to be a possibility. He also knew that trying to win a contest of wills with Shepard was a losing battle. The woman was one of the most stubborn people he knew. He tapped out a quick message on his omni-tool to alert his replacement and stood up from his seat. It wasn't until he reached for the crutches he kept stowed nearby that he had a thought.

Stairs. The damned crew quarters were at the bottom of a flight of stairs. Out of habit, he rose early enough to beat the rush of crewmembers as they arrived at their stations and stayed late on the bridge to avoid an audience as he slowly made his way down to the mess hall and his bunk. Having Shepard see him hobble around was doing wonders for his ego already; having her wait for him as he made it down step by step…

"You don't have to wait up for me, you know," he started, trying to appeal to her nice side. "You look about ready to drop."

She shrugged. "I am feeling a bit sleepy now," she agreed, "but you're not holding me up."

Damn. When appealing to her nice side failed, he decided to tweak her mean streak. "I don't need a babysitter," he snapped, feeling a twinge of guilt when he saw something that looked like hurt flash in her eyes. "I can get to the stairs fine without you." He was expecting – hoping, more like – for her to roll her eyes and make some sort of sarcastic comment before leaving him there on the bridge, but all she did was shift her weight to one leg and put her hands on her hips.

"I _know_ you can make it down there on your own, Jeff," she said tersely. She rarely used his given name, which meant that he had succeeded in striking a nerve. "Did it ever occur to you that I _wanted_ to walk down with you?"

"Why would you want to do that?" Her words threw him so much that he forgot to put any sort of acidic tone in his voice. The way she had looked at him made him believe she thought of him as someone more than just the guy flying the ship.

The way she looked at him made him wonder if she knew he thought of her as someone more than just Commander Shepard.

She opened her mouth, then shut it before opening it again. "Because…I…" She scowled, self-conscious about the splotches of red she could already feel burning her cheeks. "You know, you're bitching about wasting time, but the only one holding both of us up from getting any rest is you."

"Fine. Then let's not waste any more time." He gestured with one of his crutches for her to go ahead of him.

"Fine."

It wasn't until they had said their good nights at the entrance to the crew deck that he realized she had never really answered his question.


	9. silence

Shepard had disappeared into the Normandy ever since coming back from Virmire. It took a little investigating using the ship's security cameras, but after some process of elimination, he finally found her sitting by herself in the communications room. Shepard had slid down the wall and had her arms curled protectively around her legs, which were drawn up until her knees touched her chin.

"She told me to go," she whispered, staring straight ahead at the empty chairs in front of her without really seeing them. She turned her head to look at him and he was surprised at the sheen of tears in her already red-rimmed eyes. "I couldn't save them both. I wanted to. I _should have_. Shit, it should have been me staying behind laying suppressive fire instead of Ash."

Not knowing what to say, Joker silently eased himself down to the ground and draped an arm around her, his fingers brushing against her shoulder. She let out a shaky sort of breath and relaxed her hold on her legs. Very carefully, almost as if she were afraid that he would bolt, she rested her head against his shoulder. He didn't know how long they stayed like that, but she finally sat up straight and rubbed at her face with the heels of her hands. When she looked at him again, she had her familiar determined expression back.

"Thank you," she said, reaching out to touch his hand. "You being here meant…" She caught his eye and refused to break contact. "It meant a lot to me."

He ran his thumb over the back of her hand and gave her a small smile, grateful that he could offer her some sort of comfort. "Anytime."


	10. eclipse

"I really, _really_ hate husks."

"It was pretty bad out there. You okay?" Joker asked, turning his head to watch as she boarded.

She didn't sit down in her usual spot, probably because she was covered head to toe in what Joker guessed to be husk guts. It wasn't the most pleasant thing to smell either, but he didn't want to offend her by making a comment when he could see that she was barely holding onto a thin strand of control as it was. "Yeah, it was. And no, not really." She held her helmet in one hand and ran the other tiredly over the side of her face. "It's almost like the geth _wanted_ us to find the Cornucopia, like they'd set a trap." She shuddered, thinking about how the ship's crew must have suffered.

"Want to talk about it?" He'd been watching through Liara's camera rig through most of the fight. He had been in the middle of appreciating the way that her Singularity had blasted husks away when he heard the scream. At first he thought it had been Liara, but when he heard it again, he realized that it had been Shepard. Somehow, husks had swarmed behind her, cutting her off from the rest of the group. Quickly switching over to Shepard's rig showed just how overwhelmed she had been. He'd jumped back when her camera had given him an intimate view of a husk's teeth, the thing trying its best to get through her armor any way it could. Shepard had screamed for a third time, but instead of sounding terrified like the first two, this yell was full of anger. Watching from a first-person perspective, Joker had found himself moving his own arms around in a frenzied attempt to push the mob away long enough to get a clear shot. After that, it had been a mess of bullets and body parts, all of Shepard's usual finesse and measured precision gone.

Garrus had to put a hand on her arm when it was all over to get Shepard to stop shooting a fallen husk, the barrel of her pistol red and smoking as it overheated. Joker hadn't known what to say as he sat there listening to Shepard's ragged breathing while she tried to compose herself again.

It was disconcerting, witnessing a woman he'd seen stare down crazed zealots and shoot people without blinking an eye suddenly be overshadowed by her human side. On one hand, he was grateful that she _did_ have a chink in her armor. It reaffirmed that the softer portion of her personality that always seemed to come out when she was on the Normandy and amongst her crew was right where it should be. Yet on the other hand, he hated seeing her so upset while he was powerless to do anything to help.

"Not right now," she said, bringing him back to the present. "At the moment, I want to take a long, hot shower and try not to think of the nightmare fuel we just got handed." She was about to turn away, but stopped mid-pivot. "But thank you. I appreciate the offer."

"My shift ends in twenty; I'll be in the Mess after. Offer still stands after your shower." He tried his best not to imagine what she'd look like all wet and wearing only soap bubbles, but just like every other time that particular fantasy came to mind, he was unable to shake the mental image.

It must have shown on his face, because she rolled her eyes. "Stop thinking of me naked," she said, her voice finally losing that heavy feeling and her lips curving upwards into a ghost of a smile. Grateful that he got her to smile again, he decided to push his luck.

"Can't help it, ma'am. The thought of soap and steam and…" he winked. "It's something that's pretty difficult to ignore."

She let out a quiet laugh. "Then I guess I'll just have to think about _you_ showering to even the score."

His eyebrows went to his hairline. Clearing his throat, he tried to think up something witty. It was hard to do when all the blood in his body had decided to migrate south. "Um, when you do, remember that I'm totally built. This uniform doesn't show off the pure manliness that is me as well as I'd like."

Shepard smirked and her eyes went predatory, like he was something caught in her sights. "Oh, don't worry. I've got a good idea of what you'd look like out of uniform. All that soap and steam and…" she echoed his previous words, pitching her voice lower than usual so that it snaked into Joker's ears and hauled his heart up to his throat. "It's something that's pretty difficult to ignore."

"Did I say that I'd be in the Mess? I meant my bunk."

Shepard shifted her weight onto one leg and put a hand at her hip. "Tease all you want, but know that I tend to bite back when you least expect it."

Joker listened as Shepard walked away from him. Turning to make sure he was alone, he collapsed against his chair, his face in flames and his heart all but beating out of his chest. "Well, _damn_." Tugging his hat low over his eyes, he wondered how he'd _ever_ get her out of his head now.


	11. lies

"Are you seeing anyone?"

Joker gave her an odd look. "Well, that came out of nowhere," he commented. "What gives?"

She shrugged. "I dunno. I just figured since we've both covered talking about our immediate families that talking about significant others would be the next thing." Actually, Shepard hadn't even been thinking of asking him that, it had just flown out of her mouth like so many of the things she found herself saying around her helmsman did. She prided herself at being reserved and in control of her thoughts; having them scatter and blurt out at the weirdest moments was foreign to her.

Leaning his elbow on his armrest, he quirked an eyebrow in interest. "You askin' for a reason, Jules?"

She could feel her cheeks and neck grow blotchy with heat. She'd never been one to blush prettily. "No," she said firmly, her fingers fidgeting with the datapad she'd brought up to the bridge with her.

He gave her another strange look. For a split second, she could have sworn that he had looked disappointed. "Oh, then I guess that it wouldn't crush you to know that I'm happily married." He turned back to his display and casually flipped through reports. "Tamara doesn't mind the whole military wife lifestyle; gives her more time to focus on her modeling career."

Shepard looked at him. "You're married to a model?"

"Galactic supermodel, even." He looked at her from the corner of his eye, knowing that she wasn't buying his lie for one second. "What about you? Is there a Mr. Shepard pining away for you somewhere?"

She decided to play along. "Oh, you mean Phillipe? Pining isn't his style; he's a jet-setting entrepreneur. Cutting deals and counting billions of credits doesn't leave much time for crying over a missing wife."

"Doesn't sound like a good deal."

"Nah, he knows that I'm here in the Alliance because I want to be. He gets to use me as arm candy when I'm on leave and his money feeds my vintage movie habit. It's win-win." Tilting her head, she decided to let the question that had been flittering around in her head loose. "So, what would you have said if I'd been asking for myself?"

He shifted in his seat and was silent for a beat. "Then I'd have to say that Tamara left me a while back."

"That bitch. Oh well, now all us single ladies can rejoice at her loss; a handsome man like yourself is back on the market."

Something warm curled up in his chest at the idea of Shepard thinking he was handsome. "Oh? I thought you said you were married to a jet-setting entrepreneur."

She sighed dramatically. "Him? I think he ran off with a galactic supermodel some time ago."

"The bastard." He couldn't stop his smirk if his life had depended on it.

"Yeah, and he took his billions with him, so I'm stuck collecting movies one at a time." She traced the fake leather grain of her chair and looked at him through her eyelashes. "Too bad that there are regulations in place that cut out fraternization."

He stared at her. "Yeah. Too bad." He caught her gaze and gave her a smoldering look. "If we'd met anywhere else or at any other time, I would have totally rocked your world."

She laughed even though her entire body had broken out into gooseflesh. "Of that, I have no doubt. Unfortunately, we can never be; I don't think I could concentrate on beating Saren _and_ having my world rocked on a regular basis."

"A regular basis?" Now it was his turn to laugh. "Damn, girl. Way to wear a guy out."

She arched her eyebrow and pitched her voice an octave lower than usual. "What can I say? I don't do things half-assed."

Joker had the sudden urge to grab his copy of the Alliance handbook and rip the Fraternization Regulation portion to shreds. "No, that you don't." Clearing his throat, he tried his best to lighten the mood that had suddenly thickened around them. "I guess it's a good thing. I don't think the universe is ready for the awesomeness that we'd be as a couple."

"It would probably implode out of sheer awe," she agreed.

"So see, we're doing everyone a favor by staying friends."

"Absolutely." She winked at him. "Friends who flirt outrageously?"

He made a _pshaw_ noise. "That was a given."

Stretching, Shepard rose from her seat. "I'd better get going," she said. "Garrus wanted to compare sniper scope upgrades with me before we hit Ilos. He's awful cranky when I'm late." Like usual, she passed his chair on her way out. _Unlike_ usual, she let her fingers trail over his shoulder instead of giving his headrest a parting pat.

Reaching up, he captured her fingers in his. "About that. You okay?" Ever since Virmire and losing Ash, Shepard's confidence had wavered. He hadn't had a chance to see her in combat much since then, but he had a feeling that she was going to be more protective of her squadmates, Garrus and Kaidan in particular. They'd been with her the longest; it was only natural that she take them with her for this mission.

She nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"You scared?"

She squeezed his fingers before telling the biggest lie of the evening. "Not one bit." She gently slid her hand from his and gave him a reassuring smile. "Don't worry about me; this is going to be a piece of cake, you'll see."

Joker turned in his seat to watch her walk away. Judging by the stubborn set of her shoulders alone, he almost believed her.


	12. formal

"I can't believe it," she said laughingly. "You actually _shaved_?"

He fidgeted under her gaze and ran a hand over his cheek. "_Trimmed_. It took me seven weeks to grow this baby out; no way I'm gonna start up again from scratch." Joker rocked back on his heels, feeling naked without the cover the brim of his hat normally provided. "Besides, if I'm being forced into this getup just to sit around and listen to a bunch of people talk on and on for hours about how we saved the Citadel, having a freshly shaved baby face would just ruin the image of a daring, badass pilot."

Shepard quirked her eyebrow and grinned. "Heaven forbid." Reaching out, she brushed a piece of lint off the shoulder of his dress blues. "And for your information, I plan on sitting next to you for the evening. I expect interesting commentary from you during the boring parts."

He gave her a mock salute. "Challenge accepted, ma'am."


	13. memory

The day he graduated from flight school. The first time he sat at the Normandy's controls. Those were the types of moments that he held close, ones that he took out and inspected every so often during his downtime.

After landing on the Citadel after Sovereign's defeat, he added another to his collection: Shepard's hands framing his face as she leaned in and kissed him. She had been sweaty and bloody and had pulled away before he could properly kiss her back, but the feel of her mouth against his had been seared into his brain.

After, there hadn't been time to catch her alone and talk about what had happened; the politics revolving around a new Council and other matters had taken all of Shepard's time, then they'd been redeployed to hunt down rogue geth ships almost soon after. Joker had all but convinced himself that the brief brush of lips had been one of those "I'm glad to be alive" affairs: that she hadn't cared who she had kissed and he had been the closest person for her to grab onto at the time.

And then the Normandy was going down in flames and she was shoving him into an escape pod. Through the haze of pain radiating from his broken arm, he locked eyes with her for a split second, both of them realizing at the same moment that she wasn't going to make it in time.

Jeff bolted up in bed, sweat making the sheets stick to him. Scrubbing a shaky hand over his face, he wished that he could forget the memory of frightened blue eyes staring back at him.


	14. box

If anyone asked him, Jeff wouldn't be able to recall a single detail from Shepard's funeral except for one. No matter how hard he tried to forget, he could vividly remember how the dark blue of his SR-1 cap contrasted against stark white fabric lining. Other crewmembers and various dignitaries had donated flowers or mementos that had reminded them of the fallen Commander, but when it came time for him to add his contribution to the empty box – he _refused_ to call it a coffin: the Alliance had never recovered a body – the hat had been his choice.

A part of him felt like he had died right alongside Shepard in the crash. It was only right that his hat, something that he rarely took off, something that was just as much a piece of himself as anything else, be buried along with her memory.


	15. highway

Driving along long stretches of highway in the desert was sort of like flying along long stretches of space. There was nothing but the feel of the road underneath him and the huge expanse of stars overhead for as far as the eye could see.

He had to admit, the Alliance could have grounded him in far worse places than Air Station Yuma. While he might not be able to get behind the controls of any of the ships there, at least he got to watch them fly. He even agreed to be a guest instructor as part of his _evaluation period_, as his superiors liked to put it.

Joker flicked the jeep's headlights off and pressed his foot down harder on the accelerator. _Checking to see if I haven't cracked yet, more like_, he thought bitterly, watching as the red light illuminating the speedometer told him that he was quickly creeping up past a hundred. _And they might be right; who in their right mind would be doing this sort of shit by themselves anyway?_

"Someone that wants to forget," he mumbled out loud, taking a sharp left turn, grunting as his tires left the paved road and went into the sand. "Someone who can't sleep and refuses to take meds for the nightmares. Someone…"

He slammed hard on the brakes. Just like he'd done numerous times before, he'd managed to stop just in time. There was a time when the area surrounding the base had been littered with subdivisions. Seventy-five years ago, Mother Nature had decided to wipe the slate clean by way of wildfires and other natural disasters and people finally decided to respect her opinion and rebuild elsewhere. The desert had taken back pretty much everything, leaving only a handful of skeletal ruins of one-story ranch houses. If Jeff had kept on going, he would have launched his jeep into one of those structures. He'd done some research during the day: whoever had once lived there had built a massive swimming pool in the back yard. He figured that if he went fast enough, he could barrel his way past what was left of the living room and crash-land right into the deep end. The concrete still looked solid and by some miracle the pool hadn't been covered over by sand; if he was lucky, he'd die on impact. If he _wasn't_ lucky, he'd still die. It would just take a little more time.

"Someone who's a fucking idiot if he thinks that she'd want you to live like this, that's who." Resting his head on the steering wheel, he took a shuddering breath. Turning the ignition off, he sat up straight and tilted his head up. It was strange; when he was flying, the stars always looked flat, like a background. Here on Earth, it was as if someone was holding a huge upturned bowl full of lights over his head. Out of the blue, he had a thought about this Lieutenant Zabaleta they had bumped into on the Citadel who had claimed to have known Shepard's mother. Shepard had helped the Lieutenant out with his problems as best as she could, but Joker could tell that the encounter had rattled her.

"_If you were in his place, would you do that?"_ she had asked once she was sure that Zabaleta was on his way to the Veteran's Affairs office. _"Would you drink until you tried to forget your problems?"_

"_Nah. I'm a sloppy drunk; I'd just stumble around and break something, which would be just another problem to tack on once I got sober again."_

"_Jeff, I'm serious."_

"_I am too."_

She had frowned and curled up in the co-pilot's seat. _"I would hope that I would be strong enough to get the help I needed,"_ she had said quietly.

"_I don't think it's a question of strength, Jules. Sometimes our demons don't let us help ourselves. Sometimes it takes a second party to give us that push."_ He had looked over to her and he'd known that she was worrying about the Lieutenant and if he'd actually stay off the bottle this time. _"And I don't have to worry about my own troubles; I've got you to pull me out of whatever dark place I might find myself in. You might let me wallow for a bit, but then you'd just kick my ass into gear, which is something that I'd probably need."_

She had looked up, her face thoughtful. _"I would do that."_

"_Yep, and you know that I'd do the same for you. I've got your back, Shepard."_

"_Just like I've got yours."_

Joker ran his hands over his unkempt beard and took a deep breath. Turning the ignition back on, he flipped on his headlights and slowly backed out of the ruined subdivision until he found his way back onto the main highway. Shepard wouldn't have wanted him to keep this up. While he hadn't turned to alcohol to numb his own personal demons, he'd been far too reckless with the life that Shepard had saved at the expense of her own. Maybe it was time to actually start talking to the counselors the base had on staff instead of spending his required weekly hour sitting in stony silence. Maybe it was time that he took a _few_ sleeping pills every so often instead of staying up at all hours of the night because he dreaded being shoved back into a world full of explosions and pain and loss. Maybe…maybe…

Maybe it was time to let Shepard go. _No. Not yet. Baby steps, Moreau. Start by getting yourself to the clinic, then work from there._

Parking at the base, he waved to the security guard just like he did every other time he snuck out. He had a feeling that the Powers That Be knew about his nightly excursions, but for some reason, allowed him to continue unhindered. Crutches making a soft clicking noise on the concrete, he made his way back to his bunk. He was about to attempt getting some sleep when he saw the datapad on his pillow. Curiously opening the only entry on it, he frowned as he read the contents.

_Mr. Moreau. My name is Miranda Lawson. We haven't met before, but I have a proposal that would be beneficial for you to hear out. It involves a mutual acquaintance by the name of Juliana Shepard…_

Jeff read the note over a few times, trying to figure out if this was someone's idea of a sick joke. _This the kick in the ass you promised, Shepard?_ he wondered, looking at the time and place that this Miranda wanted to meet him. "I'm taking this on faith," he murmured, deciding that it wouldn't hurt to at least show up and talk for a while. If anything, it would be satisfying to tell this woman to go to hell if he didn't like what she had to say. It shocked him, but he felt his mouth curving into a rusty, rarely used grin. "Hell, I've always blindly followed you anywhere; why should this be any different, Jules?"

Stretching out on his cot, he closed his eyes and tried his best to remember what Shepard's face had looked like. Every time that he had thought of her since the crash, all he could conjure up was the scared look in her eyes right before that final explosion had ripped her away from him. He took it as a sign when the first thing that came to mind as he lay there was the way that she had always looked at him when it was just the two of them, like he was the most important person in her world at that moment. Instead of alarm and panic, Joker finally remembered how she had looked when she laughed; how she would tilt her head back and this little dimple at the right side of her mouth would suddenly show up. He remembered how the overhead lights on the bridge would highlight the scattering of freckles across her nose and the tops of her cheeks and how he had yearned to reach out and discover if that scar that cut into the corner of her mouth was a different texture than the rest of her skin.

Joker fell asleep thinking of Juliana and for the first time since the crash, the nightmares that had ruthlessly plagued him didn't come.


	16. breathe

"You see the proof for yourself."

Joker pressed his palms against the glass. There was no way that this could be real. The Juliana Shepard that he had known had died in the explosion that had taken down his ship. This… Really, it could have been anyone; he couldn't match his memories of Shepard to the body hooked up to numerous tubes and equipment. Then he caught sight of a patch of familiar copper colored hair that somehow survived despite the condition of the healing scalp around it. "How do I know that isn't a clone in there?" he asked, not once taking his eyes off the body lying under a sheet in the other room. A ventilator hissed nearby and he caught himself timing his own breaths to each mechanical wheeze.

"The task the Illusive Man has set aside demands that Commander Shepard be at the lead; no one else will do. Cerberus did not spend nearly two years and pour endless credits into this project for a mere clone." Jeff heard the clack of heels against the concrete floor to his right. "Is it safe to say that you've accepted our offer?"

He flexed his fingers against the window. For the first time in what felt like forever, something in his chest unfurled and started to breathe again. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm in."

The operative at his side smiled and held something out to him. "Welcome aboard, Mr. Moreau."

He took the white and black hat from her hands and stared hard at the SR-2 logo printed on it, wondering what _else_ this organization had brought back to life. "The name's Joker."


	17. journey

Even though he had been assured that Shepard had indeed been brought back from the dead, he still had his doubts. He knew for a fact that Cerberus was using her in order to get him to work for them, and the thought that they knew something so private about him rankled. Part of him was petrified that they had lied, that the woman with her back to him was indeed a clone or a synthetic platform or, hell, he didn't know, _something_ other than the Jules he had gotten to befriend and care about.

But then she turned around at the sound of his voice and all doubts fell away. There was no way that any lab could recreate the look of recognition in her eyes or the tilt of her lips before they split into a full-blown smile. There was no way that Cerberus could have faked the long strides her legs took to reach him or the strength of her arms as they wrapped around his shoulders, her fingers clutching at his shirt.

"I'm so glad it's you," she breathed, her voice a soothing balm to his ears. She leaned back so she could see his face, her eyes bright under the hall lights.

And just like that, the long path of self-loathing and guilt that he'd been walking suddenly came to a stop. Out of the million ways he had thought their reunion might go, he never once allowed himself to think that she would welcome him with open arms. He had been the reason that she had died and now she was back, talking a mile a minute as if two years hadn't passed.

"You look taller," she commented. Where they had once been the same height, now he beat her by at least an inch or so, even if you didn't count the little extra his hat gave him.

He shrugged. "One of the perks of working for these guys." He made a sweeping gesture towards his legs. Learning to walk without the aid of braces or crutches had taken some time, and while no one could completely cure Vrolik's, the upgrades he had allowed them to put into his body had reinforced his bones considerably. He wouldn't be running any marathons and he'd always walk with a limp, but his new mobility felt like light years in comparison to what he'd had before. He had been warned that his bones were still susceptible to breakage more than the average person's, but at least he didn't have to worry about fracturing anything if he happened to suddenly move wrong or if someone accidentally put the barest hint of too much pressure on his body.

His eyes fell to his forearm. Shaking his head, he forced himself to stop thinking about the smell of smoke and sweat and the sight of Shepard flying backwards away from his escape pod. Clearing his throat, he quirked an eyebrow. "We can rebuild him. We have the technology."

She shook her head at the reference. "So I'm the four billion credit woman and you're the bionic man?"

"Something like that."

She was standing so close to him that their arms brushed together as they walked. "You up for this?" she asked, all humor gone from her voice. "Fighting Collectors and saving colonists and everything?"

He turned so he could look her in the eye. If he hadn't been certain that this was Shepard, _his_ Shepard, right there he would have been convinced. Underneath the uncertainty, there was that determined gleam he had missed so much. She might not know how she'd go about doing the task set out in front of her, but he knew that she would do the right thing in the end.

"I'm game if you are, Jules," he told her, watching as that uncertainty faded just a little bit and her eyes warmed at the familiar nickname. "Now come on, you've got people to save and I've got just the thing to get you to where you need to go in style." Tugging on the brim of his cap, he took the first step on a new path, one that was lined with hope instead of despair.

They'd both been given a second chance; there was no way that he'd fail her twice.


	18. sacred

"I used to have a scar here." Shepard had rolled her sleeve up, her finger tracing a line that went from the outside of her wrist all the way up past her elbow. "Shrapnel from a grenade, back when I first joined. My buddies called me _Spiky_ for a month afterward."

Joker made himself comfortable on the sofa, wondering just what she had invited him up to her quarters for. "Spiky Shepard?"

"Yep." She sat next to him and pointed to her right calf. "I took a bullet there once. Left this little heart-shaped scar. I had a couple right along my ribs that looked like someone had wanted to play connect-the-bullet-wounds."

"Something tells me that you're not asking me to hunt around for a magic marker."

She looked up at him sharply, the scars along her face glowing in the dim light. "No, because _they're not there anymore_. Even that stupid one on the side of my mouth is gone." Her lip trembled and she sank further against the cushions. "I got that when I was a kid. A boy, probably a year or two older than me, was bullying this one girl. I remember that she was quiet and always kept to herself. One day I got fed up with him pushing her around and said something. He took a swing at me, cut my lip. I jumped back up and kicked his ass. Both of us were sent to detention, but the bullying stopped once he realized that there was someone around to stand up to him." Her fingers went to her mouth, almost as if she could bring the scar back by touching where it had been. "I ran into him during the Blitz. He still remembered me too. Wound up getting shot, didn't make it."

She took a breath and leaned against him. "I'm sorry, Joker. I didn't bring you up here to mope about things."

"Then what did you ask me up here for?"

She spread her hands out in front of her. "I don't know."

"I think you do." He eyed the skin where her shrapnel wound should have been. "You're wondering if Cerberus really brought _you_ back or if they just stuffed you in a different body and told you that it's you."

"Maybe." She looked up at him from under her eyelashes. "What do you think?"

"I think that you're one hundred percent Juliana Shepard." He gave her a side glance. "Well, maybe one hundred and ten percent; Cerberus did add a couple of upgrades, after all."

"It just feels so strange. I feel like me, but when I look down, I can't see the things that made me _me_ anymore."

Joker turned so he could face her. "I can tell you with absolute certainty that you're who you were before the crash. As soon as I saw you that first time, I knew."

"How?"

If he had been smoother, he would have dispelled the doubtful look in her eye by leaning in for a kiss. He would have ran his hands over her body, silently telling her with touch alone that there wasn't any way that any lab could replicate the soft scent of her skin or the taste of her mouth or the profound sense of peace that never failed to come over him when they were alone.

But he wasn't smooth. At least, he wasn't _that_ daring. Instead, he nudged her with his shoulder. "Because Cerberus couldn't have had any idea that you were a closet Monty Python fan capable of reciting _The Meaning of Life_ word for word."

It had the intended effect. Shepard let out a laugh and leaned against him, her head on his shoulder. "That couldn't have been your first impression; you never quoted anything at me."

"Okay, so you got me there. But that _is_ my backup method of determining Shepard authenticity, just so you know." Reaching out, he gently ran his knuckle over the high ridge of her cheekbone. "Your eyes. When you looked at me, I could tell that you knew who I was right away. There wasn't any doubt in my mind that you weren't you."

She didn't answer him with words, but she did wrap her arms around his waist for a hug. "My touchstone," she finally whispered, her words muffled against his shirt. Leaning up, she rested her chin on his chest. "Every time I have doubts, all I have to do is talk to you."

"And I'll always be here." He moved back, trying to get some distance. He hadn't realized just how starved for touch he had been until he had met her, how every hug or simple brush of her fingers felt like an unexpected boon. The thought scared him somewhat, as did this new phase of their friendship. He only hoped that he didn't screw things up. "Although I've gotta say," he said, trying to regain some semblance of normalcy and step further away from all these new emotions that made his heart flip like crazy in his chest. "I'm really jealous of the matching BFF scars you and Garrus have going on now. The two of us might have to go in and get tattoos just to make me feel better."

She snorted. "Forget it, Joker. I had one already and it was probably a good thing that it didn't survive The Rebuilding."

That got his interest. "You're not going to tell me where it was, are you?" He slouched down so he could look her in the eye. "It was on your butt, wasn't it?"

She laughed and the darkness that had been in her eyes ever since coming back from Omega with a critically wounded Turian retreated a few paces. "No!"

"Yep, it was definitely on your butt."

"_Jeff_…"

"_Jules_…"

She huffed. "Fine. It was some artsy scrolling type of feather low on my left hip. I couldn't make up my mind, so I told the guy at the shop to do whatever he felt like."

Joker whistled. "Pretty gutsy. You could have ended up with an Asari character for _screw you_ right there instead of the _peace_ or _love_ one that you had originally wanted."

"That's me, big risk-taker extraordinaire. I still wasn't happy with it in the end, but I never really had time between deployments to get around to getting it removed. After a while, it became something like a birthmark or a mole and I didn't pay much attention to it. Funny what you miss once it's gone."

"I guess. But look at what you got in return! Badass, light-up scars are sure to intimidate the masses!"

She rolled her eyes. "And rat out my position when I'm out on the field. I've already had four people take shots at me when they normally wouldn't have been able to. I'm hoping that Chakwas' idea of positive thinking works; we don't really have the resources to upgrade the med-bay right now." At least her face didn't hurt as much as it had earlier; either her injuries were slowly healing on their own or she'd just gotten used to the constant dull throb over her eyebrow and jawline.

"Well, whatever happens, now those scars belong to you too. If you didn't have them, we wouldn't be having this conversation."

"You're right."

"And it also gives me a visual cue whenever you come up on the bridge, seeing as you still refuse to wear a bell to let me know when you're sneaking around behind me."

"Hey! I never sneak!"

"Says the woman who went _ooogada boogada_ from behind my chair twenty hours ago. It should serve you right if I bungle a docking job or smash into something on purpose the next time you try to scare me."

"Do something to tarnish your reputation as the best helmsman ever? Yeah, right. Besides, you wouldn't do anything to hurt your baby and you know it."

"Okay, okay. So you've got me there." Unwrapping his arm from around her, he stood up. "Speaking of, my shift starts in ten. You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay." Getting up as well, she made her way to her armor locker. "And your shift is going to be pretty boring; we're headed back out to Omega to go collect Dr. Solus. Since Garrus is still on the mend, I'm taking Miranda and our new guy Zaeed in with me." She was curious about the mercenary and how he would work with her team's dynamics. Actually, she was curious about _everyone_ that she was being sent to collect, so she'd more than likely do a rotating shift of ground teams until everyone was comfortable working together before picking a main squad that worked well with her own abilities.

"Well, be careful."

She smirked. "Always." Looking up from examining a gauntlet for damage, she gave him a smile. "And Joker? Thanks."

Shepard had left what she had been thanking him for unsaid, but he still understood. "You're welcome."


	19. wait

"Are you sure this is a secure channel, Thing?"

"Yes. It is still as secure as the last seven times you asked that question."

"And you're _certain_ that not even Cerberus can pick up on it?"

"That makes eight times you have asked that. And, yes, I am still certain."

Joker turned in his chair when he heard Shepard come up on the bridge. "Hey, I got your message," she said. "What's up?" In the dim light, the red of her scars eerily illuminated the line of her cheek.

Standing up, Joker shoved his hands in his pockets. "Have a seat," he said, gesturing towards his vacated spot. "I've got a surprise for you."

She quirked her eyebrow at him and hesitantly sat down, admiring the comfortable leather seating. "And by surprise, it doesn't have anything to do with the words 'bouncing', 'buxom', or 'barely legal' that you might have downloaded from the extranet, right? Because if it does, then there are certain things in our friendship that really _never_ need sharing."

He rolled his eyes. "Please, what do you take me for, some kind of perv? I'd never download anything like that here." He winked at her. "I keep _those_ vids in my personal stash." Looking at EDI's unblinking display one last time, he punched a few buttons until his monitor opened up. "Just sit here and don't touch my chair controls. I finally got the settings the way I want them."

"What are you…" Shepard leaned forward when someone on the monitor came into focus. "Mom?"

On the other end of the conference vid, Hannah Shepard gave a trembling smile. "Hello, Baby." She reached out and put a hand on her screen, almost as if she wanted to reach out and touch her daughter to assure herself that she was indeed alive. "Your helmsman explained some of your situation. I'm so happy to see you, Juliana."

Shepard let out a watery sounding laugh and touched her fingers to her own screen. "I don't know how much I can say, but," she turned around and caught Joker slowly making his way off the bridge to give them some privacy. "Can you wait a second? I'll be right back." Jumping out of her chair, she hurried over to him.

"How did you manage to get a hold of my mother?" she asked, her hand on Joker's arm.

He shrugged. "Chambers mentioned that you'd gotten a message from her, so I…" he fidgeted and tugged on the brim of his cap. "I sort of had EDI locate what communication buoy it pinged from and found her ship from there." It had been a little more complicated than that, especially since he had to hack into the Alliance's private network and tiptoe his way around tons of security checks, but those were details she didn't need to know about. He went perfectly still as her fingers brushed against his jaw.

"Thank you," she whispered, leaning in to press a lingering kiss to his scruffy cheek. The fact that he had actually talked to Kelly was huge, especially since he went out of his way to avoid the woman whenever possible. He'd said something about Chambers unnerving him by being too cheerful, or something. "I always knew that underneath that prickly exterior, you were nothing but a softie."

"Don't say it too loud," he said gruffly, tugging on his hat again. "It'll ruin my reputation."

She ran her fingers across his cheek one last time before turning away and moving back to where her mother was waiting. "Don't worry; your secret is safe with me."


	20. fever

"You should be resting."

"I am."

"In your room, Jules." She and her team had just gotten back from Korlus. Okeer was dead, but Shepard had managed to bring his final test subject aboard in his place. In the course of the mission, Shepard had gotten hit by some mechs, bullets ripping through her shields and armor like tissue paper. To top it all off, her group had stormed the lab Okeer had been in before the room's vents had completely neutralized the toxins in the air. While Jack and Zaeed had come out relatively unscathed, the combination of open wounds and chemical toxins had hit Shepard hard. Chakwas had been able to patch her up, but there wasn't anything she could do for the fever Shepard had picked up except to let it run its course.

"Can't. My fish died."

"_Again_? You never remember to feed those things." He really didn't see a reason why Shepard couldn't stay in a room with a few belly-up goldfish, but apparently she had issues concerning her recently departed pets.

He was just grateful that she had decided against getting the hamster. Knowing her luck with animals, it would have broken out of its cage and wandered freely throughout the Normandy.

"I _did_. I think I fed them too much now." Stumbling down into her usual spot, she turned her flushed face towards him. "EDI, how come you never feed my fish?"

The monitor to Joker's left flared to life. "I am not equipped to handle the care and keeping of aquatic life forms, Shepard. My suggestion would be to purchase a VI suited to the task."

She waved a hand in EDI's direction. "Nope. Too sad. I'm never buying fish ever again."

Joker snorted. "Figures that you'd have a gigantic aquarium and never stock it."

"Quiet, you. If you want fish so bad, _you_ come up to feed them. Otherwise, stick to doing what you do best, mister."

He shook his head. A slightly delirious Shepard was somewhat entertaining to behold. "And what would that be, O Commander?"

"What else? Sitting here looking adorable."

Well, that was different. "You think I'm adorable?"

"Yep. You have very pretty eyes, Jeff. They're so…" She shivered, even though he could see that her hair was starting to stick to her temples and cheeks in damp curls. "Eye-colored."

"Thanks, I think."

"And you're cute."

"Great, I'm cute _and_ adorable. Just what every guy likes to hear."

She leaned against the arm of her chair and he had a fleeting worry that she'd topple over the top of it. "That's because you wouldn't believe me if I told…" she yawned and pressed her face against the cool metal side of the chair. "If I told…"

"If you told me that I had a rockin' bod and you wanted to take all my clothes off with your teeth?" Joker helpfully offered. He really hadn't expected her to answer, especially since she had closed her eyes and seemed to have fallen asleep, but she nodded.

"Exactly. Wouldn't believe me, I tell you." Cracking a glassy eye open, she gave him an unfocused stare. "Now less talking. More flying through purple varren clouds," she sleepily ordered, sluggishly attempting to snap her fingers for emphasis.

Joker shook his head again, wondering just how long it would take for her fever to do its thing. Plotting a course to the nearest fuel depot, he gave her a sideways glance. The way that she had contorted herself in her chair was bound to give her a crick in her neck when she finally woke up, but he didn't have the heart to move her. He also wondered about her little confession and how much of it had been fever-induced babbling and how much of it had been things that she never would have told him otherwise.

"Ah Jules," he said on a sigh. "If anyone up here is adorable, it's gotta be you, babe."


	21. lock

I wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to read this and leaving all the great reviews! You guys make my day. I have the majority of the following prompts written, so I'm going to try to do a Monday, Wednesday, Friday update schedule while I catch up with the last bits that still need to be written.

Also, I tend to play my Shepards as Paragons for the most part, so I really haven't seen what happens when you pick Renegade options on Horizon. I'm guessing that it doesn't turn out all sunshine and roses.

* * *

"Funny, the people you meet."

"Yeah. Funny." Shepard's voice was hollow and Joker could see the fine way her hands shook as she held onto the gauntlets she had recently stripped. This went beyond normal exhaustion from battle to something that cut deeper.

"I take it that seeing Kaidan again went…"

"It was a surprise," she said, cutting him off, her voice harsh. "And it didn't go well."

"I'll say; he damned near put a gun in your face." Joker had been livid. When he first saw Kaidan through Shepard's rig, he'd been hopeful that they had just gained a friendly face to help fight the Collectors. Things went quickly downhill with Kaidan accusing Shepard of switching sides and working with known terrorists, not to mention yelling at her for not keeping in contact. _Hello, she's been _dead_ for two years! She didn't exactly call me up to see how I was doing either._ He'd always been friendly with the man, but at that moment, he wanted nothing more than to go on-planet and punch him.

"I don't want to talk about it," she snapped, holding onto her gauntlet so tightly that Joker could hear the leather and ceramic plating begin to protest. And even though she just said that she didn't want to talk, Shepard leaned against one of the unused seats closer to the end of the bridge. "Was he right?" she whispered. "About me joining the bad guys?"

_It's never been that black and white and you know it. Don't beat yourself up like this._ He didn't say what he was thinking, but he did lean forward in his seat. "What do you think?" he asked instead.

She took a breath. "I don't know any more. At first, it was easy to see what the Alliance saw. Now, Cerberus looks to be the only people _doing_ something instead of denying everything and standing around with their thumbs up their asses." She looked down at her boots. "Still, it _hurts_ to have someone tell you point blank that what I'm doing is wrong. I trusted Kaidan with my life, Joker. I…"

"You expected him to do the same, didn't you?"

She looked up at him, her face a study in misery. "That too much to ask?"

"What would you have done if you had been in his place?"

"If he'd been brought back instead of me, if he'd been with Cerberus?" She thought for a moment. "I would have given him the benefit of the doubt. I would have gone with him, screw the consequences." As soon as she said it, she knew it rang true. Like she had told Joker, she had trusted Kaidan to watch her back. She would have extended that trust to find out what was going on. "Now I wonder if I really have changed." She'd been finding herself doing and saying things lately that she knew she wouldn't have done or said before. Her patience was shorter and she had a greater tolerance for toeing the line between right and wrong. She'd often caught herself wondering if this was the result of being brought back or if the only things that had kept her from acting this way before had been Alliance regulations. She'd always been so sure of herself; questioning her own morality, especially after her recent conversation with Kaidan, was troubling.

Joker sat back and watched as Shepard seemed to be mulling things over. He knew her enough to know that she needed time to adjust to certain scenarios, and it seemed as if this was no different. He watched as Shepard gathered every doubt, every emotion that had recently shown on her face and carefully locked them away until she was the cool, calm and collected Commander that everyone knew.

He often wondered just how many of those hurts she could keep stored like that before her walls eventually broke down under the strain.

"There's something I want to know," she finally said. "When Cerberus contacted you, how did they get you to join? You said it was because they got you back in the sky, but that couldn't have been everything."

He looked everywhere except at her. "Hey, flying is a big deal to me."

"But it isn't a deal-maker. The Alliance would have put you back on active duty if you had waited long enough."

"You're right, it wasn't." The longer he stared at her steely mask of hard, piercing eyes and the thin line of her mouth, the more he hated it. _This isn't you, Jules._ "_You_ were the deal-maker. Miranda brought me to the lab where they were working on you. As soon as I saw you, I told her yes without blinking an eye." He swallowed and plowed on. "I didn't care who had brought you back or what sort of strings got attached to me. I don't follow Cerberus; I follow _you_, Shepard. Always have, always will."

Something behind her mask broke loose. "Just like that?"

"Just like that." He wasn't the best with words and he knew it, his tongue tangling around every single thought that was flying through his head. All those thoughts stilled when she walked over to him and knelt so she was at his level. He watched as she gently tilted his cap out of the way so she could see him eye to eye. For the briefest second, he thought - _hoped_ - that she would kiss him, but all she did was stare at him for the longest time before nodding and standing back up. She didn't say anything as she left the bridge, but he saw that her shoulders were less tense, as if a small weight had been lifted from them.

He might be crap with words, but sometimes it was the things that were left unsaid that mattered the most.


	22. ice

Joker rarely let his reserve pilot take full control of the ship during his own shifts, but it was only right that he man the shuttle that would take Shepard on the mission she was preparing to go to. Ice crusted on the shuttle's windshield, but Joker still managed to smoothly land. He knew Shepard was behind him before she said a word, her hand clutching the back of his chair as if her life depended on it. "I'll be back in a little while," she said, her voice low and in a register normally reserved for funeral parlors.

That was fitting too; the crash site of the original Normandy was something of a graveyard for them both.

"Be careful," he said, looking up at her. She was already putting on her helmet, her expression unreadable. He watched as she slowly made her way through the icy terrain, her omni-tool a glowing orange beacon amidst all the white. Every so often she would crouch down and pick something off the ground. It wasn't until he realized that she was murmuring something under her breath that the things she was picking up were dog tags. She walked around the crash site, her hand pressed up against the battered side of the Mako before wandering out of view.

_Coming here was a bad idea_, Joker thought miserably, staring up at the ruined remains of his beloved ship. He could remember the first time that he had laid eyes on the Normandy, her paint fresh and maintenance workers still stenciling on the name's lettering. Now, that same lettering was chipped and worn with large chunks of letters torn apart. _I'm so sorry, baby. I wish I could have saved you._ He closed his eyes and listened to Shepard announce another name she had found. _I wish I could have saved you all._ He was pulled out of his thoughts when Shepard's breath caught in her throat.

"What's going on?"

He didn't hear a reply from her, but he did hear the crunch of frozen dirt as she moved. "I found something," she croaked, her voice strained.

"What?" Was it hostiles? Was it a body? He wished that they had thought to power up her suit's camera so he could see what she was seeing. "Shepard, what is it?"

"My helmet."

_Shit._ "You all right?" It was a stupid thing to say, especially when her breath was coming out in shaky gasps into his earpiece, but he didn't know what else to say. "Jules, talk to me."

"I died here," she whispered. "Actually, I died somewhere above the planet, but my body landed here." There was another crunching sound as she talked. He guessed that she was kneeling down to pick the helmet up. "My body. Jeff…"

He was trying to think of something reassuring to say when she spoke again. "I don't want to take it," she said, her voice wobbly. "I don't want it as a reminder or have it put up in some damn museum. Fucking Collectors, there's still bits of my _skull_ stuck to the inside of this thing."

"Hey, take a couple of deep breaths. You're going to hyperventilate if you keep this up." He took a few loud breaths and after a while, Shepard seemed to match him. "Listen to me. Do you have all the tags collected?"

"Yes."

"And you set the monument up?"

"Yes."

"Then come on back to the shuttle. Leave the helmet where it's at. No one knows about it besides us. Just come back to me and we'll go back to the ship. Then we'll keep getting ready to take on the Collectors on their home turf and show them what happens when they mess with us."

"Damn right. We're going to kick their asses for what they've done." Her voice was thick, but at least it had lost that panicked, high-pitched edge it had only a minute ago.

"That's my girl. Now come on, let's go home." It didn't take very long for her to make her way back to the shuttle, and she pulled off her Cerberus-issued helmet as soon as the doors were closed. Carefully placing all twenty of the tags in a wooden box they had brought with them, she turned to face him when he left the cockpit.

"I found this when I was looking on the bridge," she said, pulling something out her side pocket. Joker couldn't help the bark of laughter that escaped him when he caught sight of the little plastic figurine. The bikini-clad hula girl's grass skirt was slightly discolored from being exposed to the elements, but he stood the figurine upright in his palm and tapped at her side, both of them chuckling when the doll began to bobble about.

"I can't believe she made it," Joker said, staring down at the doll's cheeky smirk. Her matching saucy wink was a little faded, but besides a little wear and tear, she was in good shape.

"Well, you did have her in a compartment instead of sitting on top of your console." Shepard could remember the first time that she'd seen Alani, the Amazing Hula Girl perched on top of Joker's console. She had teased him about regulations barring personal items in individual workspaces. He'd only shrugged and said that the doll was the best co-pilot he'd ever had, but as time went on and Shepard had spent more and more of her free moments on the bridge, Alani had been stowed away in a compartment above where Jeff had kept his crutches handy. She had made an offhand comment about it once and his only reply was that his new co-pilot was pretty good to have around, even if she didn't dance during working hours.

She'd been sitting in the empty seat to his right at the time, so she'd taken that as a huge compliment.

"Thanks for finding her," he murmured. Running his thumb over the doll's plastic hair one last time, he reached out and placed the figurine into Shepard's hands. "I want you to have it."

Her eyes went wide. "Really? But she was your lucky charm."

"It's okay; I've got a new one. She still won't dance or wear skimpy outfits during working hours, but I don't hold it against her." There was so much that he wanted to say to her, that he was sorry he couldn't save the ship, that he'd spent the better part of two years in a downward spiral of depression and guilt over her death, that he was grateful she'd saved him or else she'd have twenty-one dog tags in that box instead of only twenty.

He didn't say any of that, deciding to bottle it up just like he bottled every other emotion he had that this woman seemed to bring out of him. "Thank you, I'll treasure her," Shepard said, holding onto his hand longer than usual. "And thank you for being here with me. I don't know if I could have done it without you."

"You're welcome." Clearing his throat, he slowly pulled his hand back. "Hey, we still have that limited touchy-feely moment per week thing going on. It's only Monday, you don't want to fill your quota up this early." Content that he'd lightened up the moment, he turned to walk back into the cockpit.

"You're right." Settling down on the hard metal seats, Shepard put the figurine back in her pocket for safekeeping. "Take us home, Joker."


	23. music

The theme songs to _Rawhide_ and _The Andy Griffith Show_ belong to their respective owners.

* * *

"Planet scanning is _still_ boring as hell."

Joker nodded, agreeing wholeheartedly. "Just think of it as mining for important upgrades. Don't you _want_ enough minerals to fix up Bertha 2.0?" Shepard had lost her usual sniper rifle in the original Normandy's crash, but she had found an M-97 Viper model on Illium that she had fallen in love with. It was lighter and more accurate than her first gun and the semi-automatic fire rate and quick reload meant that she could make twice as many headshots in half the time.

When Zaeed found out that she had given her new rifle a name, the two had bonded even further than they already had before. It seems that Shepard wasn't the only one on board with a penchant for talking to her weapons while cleaning them.

"Of course I do. I almost have enough platinum to do some heavy duty armor piercing damage." She was also on the hunt for more palladium; there were several shield and health pack upgrades that she thought their team was in desperate need of. She winced as she rotated her shoulder. A bullet had gotten through her shields during a fight with a bunch of Blue Suns mercenaries and it was taking a while for it to completely heal. While she still had full range of motion, her arm was incredibly sore.

"Keep rollin' rollin' rollin', though the streams are swollen, keep them doggies rollin…"

Shepard furrowed her brows and stared at Joker. "What?"

He shrugged. "Hey, you were the one complaining that this was boring. I'm just trying to liven things up."

"Okay, but _what_ are you singing?"

He looked at her as if she had grown two heads. "Come on, Jules. You can't tell me that you don't know old TV theme songs." When she didn't answer, he shook his head in disappointment. "I should have known. You only know old movie quotes, you elitist, you."

She made a face. "Give me a minute; I'm sure that I'll recognize the show." Winking, she added, "You're _butchering_ the tune and I can't make it out right."

"Now that was harsh. I think you went and hurt my one feeling." Clearing his throat, he started back up. "Head 'em up..."

"Move 'em on."

He grinned, realizing that she had been playing with him. "Move 'em on."

"Head 'em up."

"Rawhide."

Shepard laughed. "Okay, so spill. When did you start watching really old TV shows?"

"I dunno. I guess I was around six or seven. We couldn't afford a private hospital room and I shared a space with this one guy who had gotten into a really bad wreck. I don't remember his name, but he was pretty cool about having to room with a kid and his parents." Joker could see the guy's face; he had been in his late forties with a lantern jaw and these weird looking brown eyes that had almost looked yellow in the hospital lights. One side of his head had been shaved in order to repair a portion of his skull that had gotten smashed up and he'd had both of his legs up in traction. Now that he was remembering, the guy had often said that Joker reminded him of a nephew he had. "We connected and he helped kill time by sharing his collection of shows. Before he got moved to another ward, he downloaded them for me."

"That was nice of him."

"Yeah, and it was probably the whole reason I started to like different genres. He downloaded a couple of spaghetti westerns to my omni-tool while he was at it. I still have them too." He watched as EDI let another probe fly. "Your turn. When did you start watching really old TV shows?"

She smiled. "There was a Private Andrews on my dad's ship who liked them. He was this big mountain of a man, tattoos everywhere. All the other kids were scared of him, but I knew him from Dad's poker nights. During his off-hours, I was his shadow. One night I caught him watching an episode of this one show, and the next thing we knew, every Tuesday after I finished my homework was TV night. Dad let him hang out and the two of them would drink a beer or two, it was fun. And when I was onboard with Mom, every week Andrews would send me episodes to watch so I wouldn't fall behind." Her smile grew wider, fonder. "He always called me Opie, after the little redheaded kid on the show."

Joker laughed. "I bet you were…"

"I was…?" she prompted.

_I bet you were a cute kid,_ he thought, imaging a much younger Shepard with carrot colored hair in pigtails and a billion freckles. "A handful," he said instead. "Tagging along after some marine like a little puppy."

She nodded. "He didn't seem to mind. He has a daughter about my age. When he and his wife divorced, she got full custody, so I think he liked having me around to remind me of her." She hadn't thought of Andrews in years; the last she heard, he was living somewhere in Michigan. "I was sort of a two-way street; the ships that my parents were on didn't have that many kids on them at any given time, so Andrews and I kept the other company." It so happened that the very last ship he had served on before retiring had also been the very first ship that she had been assigned after joining, so she had gotten a chance to be his shadow one last time.

Feeling nostalgic, she started to whistle the familiar tune.

"I know that one," Joker said.

"It was a good show."

"Yeah, it was." Pursing his lips, he joined in.

"Oh man, you can't hold a tune at _all_."

He gave her an offended look. "Says you! Your whistle is way too high pitched!" He made a big show of wiggling a finger in his ear. "I bet dogs would be howling like crazy if we were back on Earth."

Shepard was going to reply, but she stopped when she realized that the probes had found something. "All right, that's a huge platinum cache! Bertha, we're getting you some upgrades, baby!" Getting up from her chair, she stretched and gave Joker a beaming smile. "Talk to you later, Joker!"

"Later, Commander." Alone again, he started up a new scan. About halfway through, he realized that the theme song had gotten stuck in his head and he'd been humming it under his breath the entire time. "Well crap."


	24. temptation

"I hate dresses." The clack of heels against the floor had made him think that Miranda was coming up behind him, but the declaration, followed by a few colorful oaths, made him realize that it was Shepard.

"Oh come on, Jules," he said, not looking behind him. "How bad could it…Wow." He swiveled his chair to face her and his mouth went dry. Kasumi had outdone herself; the black leather dress clung to Shepard like a glove. Joker was well aware that she had curves – hell, he was pretty sure that _all_ of their crew was aware of that fact – but Shepard had never dressed in a way that displayed them so prominently before. The cut of the dress showed off the graceful slope of her neck, the strength of her shoulders and toned arms, and mile-long legs made even longer with the addition of shiny black heels. Whatever she was wearing underneath pushed her normally modest (and Joker-admired) cleavage upwards, threatening to spill over the top of the low neckline.

But what really got him was her hair. She usually had it scraped away from her face in a severe bun or pulled up in a casual ponytail, but tonight it fell in loose waves down her back. A wide section had spilled over her shoulder and his fingers itched to touch it and see if it felt as soft as it looked.

"I feel like a hooker," she grumped, pushing a lock of hair behind her ear.

He cleared his throat. "Trust me," he said hoarsely. "You look nothing like a hooker."

"You think?" She'd done something to her face – the scars that he'd gotten used to seeing were hidden and her eyes looked even bluer thanks to smoky eye shadow and long, sooty lashes. His eyes lingered on her lips, wondering if the soft rose color would smudge if he happened to kiss her.

She was temptation personified, and damned if he wasn't attracted. Shaking his head, he leered. "Nah, you look more like a highly paid escort. _Much_ classier."

Shepard rolled her eyes and lightly smacked him in the shoulder. "Jerk." She said it without any heat, but at least now she was grinning instead of looking like she was uncomfortable in her own skin.

"But you love me anyway." It breezily came out without him even thinking. He sat still and watched as she tilted her head and looked at him briefly before smiling.

"_Somebody_ has to. I guess I must have drawn the short straw."

"Hah." Gesturing at her feet, he fought for a quick change of subject. "You might want to think about actually moving your hips. You're not clomping around in your boots here; the way you're keeping your legs stiff makes it look like you're walking on a pair of stilts."

"So you're an expert in walking in these miniature torture devices?"

"I've watched my share of scantily-clad professionals to know enough. Go on, give it a try."

"I swear I'm going to snap an ankle." Taking a breath, Shepard paced back and forth. "Better?"

He swallowed hard at the way the dress clung to her backside. _Oh man, this was a mistake._ "Yeah, lots. Hey, be careful going in there, okay?"

"Don't worry," she said. "I've got a gun."

He looked at her quizzically. "Do I even what to know where you're hiding it?"

She laughed. Walking to the airlock, she put even more sway into her hips than was necessary, just because she knew he was looking. "I'll let you guess."


	25. body

Jeff yawned and reached for his coffee mug, frowning when he realized that it was empty. Stretching, he winced at the way his shoulder protested. _Probably from sitting still for too long,_ he rationalized, trying his best to rotate his arm in a way that wouldn't hurt too much. He paused mid-stretch when his omni-tool pinged.

_[Shepard, J.]: Your shift ended four hours ago. And before you ask how I know you're still up there, EDI told me._

He threw a sour look towards EDI's console. Of _course_ it would have to snitch on him. The monitor flicked on and the AI impassively stared back.

"What are you, my keeper?" he grunted.

"It is important that you rest, Mr. Moreau. Lack of sleep will slow your judgment and reaction times. I am programmed to alert Commander Shepard of any issues that arise within her staff."

"Yeah, yeah. Stop picking on me already, Thing." Turning his attention back to his omni-tool, he wrote out a reply.

_[Moreau, J.]: Can't sleep. Thought I'd be productive instead._

_[Shepard, J.]: EDI says that you haven't done anything but sit for 14.7 minutes. I'd say your productivity is hurting.  
__[Shepard, J.]: Can't sleep either. Want to come up and be unproductive together?_

He smirked. _[Moreau, J.]: Careful, Commander. It almost sounds like you're inviting me up to your place to look at your etchings.  
__[Moreau, J.]: Give me a few minutes, but I'll be up._

_[Shepard, J.]: That's what she said._

_[Moreau, J.]: Ooh, classy. What are you, fourteen?_

_[Shepard, J.]: You started it with the "etchings" bit.  
__[Shepard, J.]: Anyway, see you in a few._

After calling up his relief pilot, Jeff made his way towards the elevator. Instead of using the intercom next to her cabin door to request entry, he used the old "shave and a haircut" knock on the metal, smiling when she used the two-knock "two bits" reply before opening the door.

"Just be glad I didn't ask you up here for a cup of coffee," she said by way of a greeting, moving aside so he could go down the stairs first.

He looked disappointed. "Aww, but you know that _do you want to come up for coffee_ is the universal green light for _extracurricular activities_."

She put her hand on her hip and raised an eyebrow. "Really, Joker."

He shrugged. "Hey, a guy can hope, right?" Yawning again, he scratched at the back of his neck. "Even though an actual cup of coffee sounds pretty good right about now." He sank down on the couch and fought the temptation to kick his feet up on the nearby table.

"No, _sleep_ sounds good right about now. Caffeine would just make you jittery." She watched as he tried to contain a hiss of pain when he moved to throw his arm around the back of the sofa. "Is your shoulder okay?"

He was too busy appreciating the way she looked in the blue light of her aquarium to work up an answer. It seemed as if she had tried to go to sleep; she was wearing a black tank top and a pair of nearly indecently short running shorts. Her hair was loose and looked slightly rumpled, like she had run her fingers through it repeatedly. A thought ran through his head: Shepard sprawled across her bed, her eyes half-lidded and her mouth tugged in a sultry smile. He blinked, surprised at how quickly his brain had drifted off into the gutter. "Yeah," he said, finally answering her. "Just a little tight. So, how are we going to be unproductive?"

She sat beside him and tucked her legs underneath her. Now that she was closer, he could see the dark circles under her eyes. He wondered if she was having nightmares again; she'd mentioned it offhandedly the other day when she caught him wandering around the Mess after the late shift. She hadn't elaborated on what they were about, but he wondered just how often she had them and if they were the reason she was up nearly as late as he was most nights.

He didn't know what bothered him more: the fact that she looked like she was running ragged or the fact that he was so worried about her running ragged.

"We never got around to watching _The Princess Bride_ together. I figured we could do it now that we both have some time to spare." She eyed him. "That is, unless you want to watch something else."

He shook his head. "No, that's a good one to see." In that two-year absence, he'd tried to watch the movie, but wound up turning it off before the opening scene finished. It hadn't seemed right to see it without her. Relaxing against the sofa cushions while she called up the movie and had it projected onto the table in front of them, he suddenly tensed when he felt her fingers at his back.

"Wow, you've got some crazy knots going on here," she commented.

He immediately went on the defensive. _No one_ got close to him; he practically had a sign hanging around his neck that said "do not touch" in big, bold letters. He didn't like anyone thinking that he was fragile or needy or, or shit, _different_ than a normal person. "You don't have…" he started, the snappish tone he had meant to say it in coming out sounding strangled instead. Damn it, why did she have to work her way under his carefully built defenses? Why did he _let_ her get so close when he usually pushed other people away? Why…

"I know that I don't have to, and I'm sorry if I crossed a line," she said quietly. "But you mean a lot to me, Jeff. I can see that you're hurting and I want to help." She looked up at him, his hat casting shadows over his features. It seemed as if he was having an internal debate with himself, but eventually he gave the tiniest of nods that she took as a sign to continue.

"Let me know if I do anything that hurts," she murmured, shifting so that she was facing him. She hadn't been lying about the knots that she had found at his shoulder, her fingers kneading his muscles until she felt each of them loosen.

Joker leaned into her touch, the warmth of her hands sinking deep into his bones. Wordlessly, she turned him so she could continue across his back, paying attention to what made him tense and what made him sigh in relief. She found out that right where the back of his neck joined his shoulder was where he kept the majority of his stress – he'd let out a low, involuntary moan when she finally unwound a pocket of long-held tension there. She also found out that rubbing the spot directly behind his right ear close to his jaw made him melt backwards against her, his body stretching out like a cat. _Or a big dog,_ she thought with a smile, holding herself back from running her hands down his chest now that he was reclining in her arms. While she had originally offered the rubdown to help ease his tired muscles, Juliana hadn't taken into account the almost hypnotic effect the simple act of touching him had on her. The further he leaned back, the closer she inched forward. Every pass of her hands made her wish that there wasn't the barrier of his uniform between them.

She'd been attracted to him long before she had died. While she might question everything about herself since coming back: her newfound cybernetics, the scars that couldn't decide to heal properly or not, her morality suddenly veering from the straight and narrow; the one thing, the only constant that she kept from her time before was how she felt about him. The only way that those feelings had changed was that they had deepened over time; moving from simple attraction to friendship to this new something that she was almost afraid to name for fear that it would slide out of her grasp.

It was far too late in the day to poke at those feelings further. Tucking them away for future study, she decided to enjoy the moment. Juliana draped her arms around him in a backwards hug. "Better?" she asked, moving her thumbs in slow circles over his collarbone.

He reached up and stroked her wrist. She'd effectively turned his brain into mush. "Mmm hmm," he managed to slur out, his eyes drooping. "Thanks."

She yawned. "You're welcome." The heat that radiated off his body was quickly making her drowsy. "Any chance of getting a return massage in the future?"

He shifted until his back was against the cushions. It took very little maneuvering for Shepard to curl up against his side, her head on his shoulder. "Chances are good," he replied, the last word stretching out as he yawned.

_Why do I let her get so close?_ he asked himself, his fingers idly running through strands of her hair. It was the first time that he'd done such a thing and he realized that her hair was even softer than he thought it would be. _Because it feels damn good to have her here, that's why._ She drifted off first, if her breathing was anything to go by. Propping his feet on the table, he quickly followed.

The screen in front of them winked out of sight, neither of them having watched a single minute of the movie.


	26. view

Zippo lighters: belonging in the back pockets of badasses for centuries. There needs to be more Zaeed, the mercenary of Awesomeness in this story. I just don't know where to fit him in. So if you don't see him, he's still here in the background. You know, being awesome and badass and telling stories about that one time when he took down a horde of darkspawn singlehandedly in Amaranthine…

* * *

Joker was doing a routine sweep of the Normandy's security cameras when he came across an interesting sight. "Hello," he drawled, leaning forward to catch a closer look. Down in the hangar bay, Shepard and Jacob were sparring. Garrus and Thane were leaning against the side of the shuttle nearby. Joker didn't have any audio, but just from their body language and gestures alone, he could guess that the two of them were picking apart both combatants' styles while adding their own input. Garrus was miming grabbing an opponent's head and bashing it with his knee while Thane shook his head and acted out snapping a neck. Zaeed was there too, and Joker didn't _need_ audio to know that the mercenary was regaling them all with another war story.

Joker wondered if it was the one where Zaeed had been up against five krogans with nothing but a broken beer bottle and a Zippo lighter to fight with. He always liked that one.

"Cozy picture," a voice said right at his ear. Joker jumped up and scowled.

"_Damn it_, Kasumi. You're worse than Shepard."

There was a disembodied laugh before Kasumi appeared beside him, her tactical cloak shimmering as she disengaged it. "And you're so cute when you're startled." She knelt beside him and propped an elbow on the arm of his chair to get a better look at his screen. "Nice view," she repeated, staring at the picture. Shepard was bobbing and weaving while Jacob was blocking any of her attacks with his forearms. Somewhere during the fight, both of them had stripped their shirts off.

Joker suddenly had a great appreciation for Cerberus-issued sports bras. "Yeah, real nice," he croaked, eyeing the taut lines of muscle that moved and shifted with Shepard. She'd acquired some new scars from injuries that he hadn't been aware of her getting; the smooth expanse of her back was broken up by jagged lines that the security camera barely picked up.

"All that muscle, and those abs…" Kasumi dreamily sighed. "It's _perfection_."

Joker leaned back. "I know that the two of you are friends, but I didn't think that you saw Shepard that way."

Kasumi tilted her head in confusion. "Shepard? I was talking about Jacob."

Oh. Well, that was awkward. "I knew that. I _meant_ that."

Joker really wished that he could see more of the thief's face. From the shadow of her hood, Kasumi gave him a smirk that reminded him of a cat that had gotten the canary. "Sure you did. You like her, don't you?"

He snorted and rolled his eyes. "What are you, a grade-schooler? The next thing I know, you're going to suggest passing a note that says _d__o you like me? Check yes or no_."

"Oh, I think this is sweet. You have a crush on our Commander."

"Mr. Moreau's body temperature tends to fluctuate whenever the Commander is on the bridge. My sensors indicate that his heart rate…"

"_Not now_, Hal," Joker growled, jamming his thumb on the mute button. "And _no_, I do not have a crush on Shepard."

"Okay, sure. Whatever you say." Her tone said that she didn't believe him for a second.

"I mean it."

"All right." Standing up, Kasumi put her hands on her hips. "And don't worry. I won't tell a soul. Shep is doing me a favor: I asked her to see if she could get Jacob half-naked and sweaty. The least I can do is keep quiet that you were ogling her."

"I was not ogling!"

Laughing, she sauntered her way off the bridge. "You're cute when you're flustered, too."

Alone once again, Joker hit the back of his head against his chair with a muted thud. "Damn sneaky people. They _all_ need to wear bells."

Kasumi's voice unexpectedly piped up close to his left. "I heard that."

"Gah!"


	27. cover

Just a bit of fluff because it's summer and summer means wearing cute sundresses and I felt like playing Dress-Up Shepard. All Jules is missing is a big, floppy straw hat.

* * *

Having to dock in Illium in order to install heavy ship armor meant that there was a lot of free time to kill. Shepard had given all but the barest of skeleton crews shore leave and was about to disembark herself when she realized that an important member of her crew was sticking behind.

"You _can't_ be serious," she said, leaning against the doorframe leading to the bridge. "We finally have some time to spare and you're going to spend it here?"

Joker didn't look up from the datapad he was studying. "Just making sure everything gets put on right," he said.

"Which is why we have Gabby and Ken on board. You don't have to play the overprotective Papa Bear when it comes to upgrading your baby. Come on, you're getting some fresh air; I did _not_ get all dolled up just to sightsee by myself."

That got his attention. Finally turning around, his eyes widened. "I thought you said you hated dresses," he blurted. Shepard was wearing a muted yellow sundress that left her arms bare and brought out the rusty copper color of her hair. She'd taken it out of its usual bun and had styled it in a braid over her shoulder.

Fidgeting under his gaze, she blushed. "Yeah, well, Liara brought it up for me. She said that I couldn't very well run around incognito while sporting a Cerberus uniform and since she's such a friend, I really couldn't say no." She gave a little twirl, the hem of her dress swirling about and giving him a glimpse of pale calves and feet encased in strappy sandals. "And unlike Kasumi, Liara knows I can't stand heels, so she sticks to flats whenever she decides to play dress-up." Shepard had the suspicion that Tali was in on the outfit choice as well; her friend had commented that even if Shepard was in the middle of saving the universe, it was no excuse for not having girly moments.

He stared at her for a while longer before blinking. "You know your cover's going to be blown the second we walk out together anyway," he said gruffly, pointing to the Cerberus logo on his shoulder.

"Obviously someone hasn't looked in his locker. Liara brought you some civvies too." Smiling at his surprised expression, she held out a hand. "Don't worry; I think she said something about jeans and a t-shirt. Knowing her, she even provided a hat too." Arching an eyebrow, she crossed her arms over her chest. "Now go change, Lieutenant. I'm expecting you to be back here on the double."

"Bossy, bossy."

"And you love it. If you hurry, we can grab some lunch and still catch whatever matinee movie that's showing. As an incentive, I'll even pay."

He was _this close_ to teasing her about taking him on a date, but thought better of it at the last minute. Tuchanka was still an extremely recent mission. If anyone needed time to unwind after taking down a thresher maw all in the name of some Krogan rite of passage, it was Shepard.

And if focusing on something other than work meant spending time in the company of an attractive lady, who was he to argue? "Give me ten minutes," he said, tossing the datapad on the seat of his chair.


	28. run

"Come on, move your ass," Joker hissed, ignoring the sharp pain that flared from the heel of his hand. Crawling on his hands and knees through maintenance shafts was certainly something that he didn't do on a regular basis, but when Collectors hijack your ship, you learn to roll with whatever gets thrown at you. "Just a few more feet, you can do this, Moreau." _Damn it, why did they have to build these crawlspaces so frikkin narrow?_ He paused and let his legs rest for a bit. He winced at every thump, the metal under his knees amplifying every sound. Surely the Collectors had heard him by now. He didn't dare look behind him, but every second that he was in the claustrophobic space he imagined that an alien hand would reach out from behind or underneath and make a grab for his ankles. Grunting, he continued on his way.

For some odd reason, crawling around on his belly reminded him of something he'd seen in a vid once. "Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs…" _Get a grip; this is no time to start quoting movies and you are definitely not John McClane._ If he was, he would have stood his ground and rained a hail of bullets against the Collectors. He could have saved at least one or two people from being taken. He could have…

"I could have gotten myself killed, that's what. Now quit your bitching and _move_." Funny, but his kick-in-the-ass pep-talk sounded like something Shepard would have said. It was enough to make him ignore the sweat that was making his palms slippery and the throbbing pain that was radiating out from his right knee.

Finally landing on the Engineering deck, he stumbled when his ankle threatened to give way on him. _Oh no you don't,_ he thought fiercely. _You can crap out on me after we get rid of the giant bug monsters on my ship, is that clear?_ Apparently, all the upgrades that Cerberus had given him still didn't keep his joints from loosening up too much. _Gotta check their warrantee after this is all said and done._ Clambering up the first few metal stairs, he froze when he saw the shadow of a Collector through the grating above him. With his heart in his throat and beating so loudly that he was sure his position would be given away, he inched closer to the shadows and held his breath until the Collector and the pod-like thing it had been carting were out of sight. _Shit, that was one of the crew,_ he thought, anger blossoming in his chest at the thought of them being ambushed like that. What the hell was Shepard thinking, leaving _him_ in charge? He was going to give her an earful when he saw her next. _But in order to see her next, you've gotta survive, dumbass._ Letting adrenaline power him up the stairs, he moved towards the drive core as fast as he could, hoping he was doing the right thing by letting EDI take control.

After giving EDI control of the ship, the last thing that he had anticipated happening was falling flat on his back as the ship lurched forward.

"Next time, warn someone to brace for impact," he grumbled. "No, wait. I hope that there _won't_ be a next time." Rolling to his side to better grab something to help pull him to his feet, he cried out. _Fuck, that's gonna leave a mark,_ he thought, holding his arm close to his body to try and stabilize his torso. He wasn't sure if he had broken anything in the fall, but he knew that at best his ribs were going to be bruised. _Going to have to get Chakwas to check…_ he stopped mid-thought. He _couldn't_ get Chakwas to check his bones out: she'd been taken along with the rest of their crew. "Damn it."

"Are you all right, Jeff?" EDI asked.

"No," he answered honestly. "But thanks for asking. Can you get a message to Shepard? She needs to know what happened."

"Agreed. Message sent."

"Thanks." He limped his way to the elevator, purposely ignoring the red handprint close to the buttons that ended in a long smear leading away from the door. Punching the up button, he made his way into the med bay. The lights were hanging from their housings above his head, as if someone had been slammed against the ceiling. He prayed that it hadn't been Chakwas who had gotten thrown into them. Gathering a first aid kit to fix up the scrapes on his palms and painkillers to dull the ache at his ribs, Joker hobbled out and made his way back into the elevator. Supplies in hand, he stared out at the CIC. Chairs were overturned, monitors were broken…it looked chaotic, which was a stark comparison to the neat, eerily abandoned scenes that Shepard had come across during her investigations into missing colonies.

"Hell, this was the same ship that took us down two years ago, of course they're not going to be gentle." The bottle of pills shook in his hand. Looking up at the ceiling, he called out. "EDI? Can you handle the controls for a bit?"

"Yes, Jeff. Are you injured?"

"I don't know, but open the hangar bay doors when Shepard comes back. I'll be in the conference room, freaking the hell out, okay?" He didn't wait for her answer; he set the first aid kid on the conference room table and took stock of his injuries. The metal flooring in one of the shafts had acted like a cheese grater to the heel of his left hand and the palm of his right. He took a sharp breath when the antiseptic he found in the kit began to do its job. _Okay, I'm never going to call Jules a big baby when she winces from this stuff ever again._ The thought of Shepard and how she'd react made him lower his head in defeat.

"Damn it." He'd promised her. He'd promised _himself_ that he wouldn't waste this second chance with her. That he wouldn't fail her twice. Watching the entire crew get taken and not being able to do a damn thing about it felt like a failure to him. Unscrewing the cap to the painkillers, he took twice the amount prescribed and dry-swallowed them, thinking that Chakwas would have tisked at him in that mother-hen way she had. He tucked the bottle into a pocket, knowing from experience that he'd need more later on. He knew that he should be asking EDI for status reports, that he should be compiling data or tracking the Collector ship's path or _something_, but he couldn't. His hands shook at the narrow miss; if Hawthorne hadn't distracted that Collector, Joker might be in one of those pods right now.

"Jeff, Shepard's shuttle is within visual range."

He ran a hand down his face. "Thanks for letting me know." He took as deep of a breath as his hurt ribs would allow and gave himself a mental slap in the face. "Come on, Moreau. Jules needs a damn good helmsman; she doesn't need a blubbering mess to clean up. Get your shit together."

With nothing more to do except to figure out what he was going to say to Shepard once she found him, he leaned against the table and waited.


	29. overwhelmed

Just wanted to note that Garrus, in _all _of my playthroughs, has been dubbed My Bro Garrus. Seriously, he's the best friend any Commander could ever have.

* * *

"Where is he?" Shepard asked, pacing tightly back and forth. With so many people on the shuttle at one time, she could only move three or four steps in either direction.

"Jeff is currently in the conference room. His exact words were _freaking the hell out_, if that is any help."

"And is he hurt?" Panic laced her words and she didn't give a damn if anyone else in the shuttle picked up on it.

"He has minor injuries. I have been unable to scan him to see if he sustained any stress fractures after his fall."

_Fall? Shit!_ She knew Joker, he'd play down any injuries he might have had. If what EDI told them was true, they were minus one doctor if he did have anything serious. Turing to Mordin, Shepard bit her lip. She'd wait to ask him to look Jeff over until she got to see the damage for herself. She took a breath and struggled to lock all her worry and fear away, so that no one would be able to see it from the outside.

It was probably because out of all the people there, Garrus been with her the longest and had called shotgun on pretty much every single mission they'd gone out on, but he wasn't sold. "We'll be there before you know it." Reaching out, he held onto her hand and gently dragged her back to her seat next to him. "Now quit pacing around like a caged varren. You're making me dizzy."

She sat, but her fingers began a tap-tap-tap rhythm against the side of her pistol and she couldn't stop her knee from jerking impatiently up and down. She _needed_ to see Jeff, to confirm for herself that he hadn't been taken, that he was all right. Garrus, ever perceptive, slung an arm around the back of her seat, not quite touching her. "He'll be fine," he told her quietly, leaning against her until their knees bumped together. Very casually, almost as a way to fill the silence that had settled in the shuttle, he started talking about his days on Omega as the Archangel. Of course, Zaeed saw it as an open invitation to add in his own stories and before everyone else knew it, both men were in a friendly competition of violent one-upmanship.

Juliana felt a sliver of tension leave her shoulders and she leaned against Garrus' side in quiet thanks for trying to get her mind off things she had no control over. Garrus let his arm, still stretched across the back of her seat, drape over her shoulder in understanding.

Once they had landed, Shepard didn't even wait until the shuttle had come to a complete stop inside the hangar bay before leaping out. Too impatient to wait for the elevator, she climbed the maintenance shaft ladder up to the CIC level, taking two rungs at a time. The only warning that Joker had before she was on him was the thundering sound of her boots down the hall as she ran at a full sprint towards the conference room.

"Ow! Boss Lady," he said, trying to laugh to lighten the mood when she threw her arms around him for a hug. "Watch the ribs, okay? I don't want to fill out paperwork on how Shepard-strength hugs cracked 'em." The painkillers had started to do their job, but it still hurt when she slung one arm around his neck and the other under his arm, her embrace extremely tight.

"Shut. Up." She eased up and stared at him and Joker was amazed to see that her lip was trembling. Hell, he was shocked to see that her entire body seemed to be shaking. "I know that joking is your usual coping mechanism, but just…"

"Hey," he said, his voice softer. Any anger that he might have had towards her for leaving him in charge while all hell broke loose dissolved into thin air. _Hell, I was never mad at her in the first place. _"I'm here." Impulse had him reaching out to cup the side of her face with his palm, the now-faint ridges from the hardly noticeable scars at her cheek and jaw catching under his fingers.

She turned her face into his hand. "You could have been taken. It's bad enough that we lost the entire crew, but…" She leaned against him and closed her eyes, their foreheads touching. "I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you."

He threaded his fingers in the curls that had escaped her bun. Her declaration sounded so broken, so raw. Things that he'd bottled up unsaid welled in his throat, leaving him overwhelmed that the woman in front of him could evoke such emotions from him. Needing to say something before he spilled his guts about how he felt about her, he gave her shoulders a squeeze with his free arm and reluctantly stood back. "You'd be missing probably the only pilot capable of flying through the Omega 4 relay without crashing, that's what." To try to bolster them both, he smirked at her, knowing that their time alone was growing short, if the footsteps down the hall were anything to go by. "It takes a little more than a few Collectors to drag me off my ship; let's go give them hell and get our crew back."

She nodded and took a deep breath, her shoulders straightening. "Damned straight," she said, returning his smirk with one of her own.


	30. hero

Omega's spaceport was the perfect place to disband. Miranda had made a generous discretionary fund withdrawal that would provide every crew member with enough money to grab a ship to their preferred destination and then have a bit left over for whatever else they wanted.

Shepard stood by the airlock as everyone disembarked. She'd said her goodbyes and was already mentally preparing to surrender herself to the Alliance. _A court marshalling followed by a lifetime stay in the brig is probably the best-case scenario,_ she thought gloomily. _Then again, you deserve far worse for practically wiping out an entire race and blowing up a star system._

She was shaken out of her thoughts by a hand on her arm. "That's the last of them," Joker said. "Where to now?"

Shepard arched her eyebrow. "You're getting off this ship, and then I'm heading to the Citadel to turn myself in."

"Sorry, but I'm not doing that." He clenched his hands into fists. "I'm not going to let you face the firing squad by yourself."

"Damn it, Joker. This is no time to play hero. I'm doing this so that no one else catches the fallout from my actions. You're going to grab your gear and get off of this ship." Crossing her arms over her chest, she glared at him. "That's an order."

He glared back. "With all due respect, _ma'am_, we stopped working for both the Alliance and Cerberus. You're not the boss of me and I can do whatever I damn well want." He took a step closer to her and gently pried her arms down. "Besides, we're a team. You can't go where I can't follow to swoop down and save your ass whenever you do something stupid and/or life-threatening."

She let out a hiss that sounded suspiciously like laughter before sobering. "You know what I'm planning on doing, Jeff."

"Yeah, and this means that we'll probably get to be roommates in the brig."

"They'll ground you."

"Tell me something they _haven't_ done to me already, Jules."

She looked up at him with a panicked expression. "They can strip you of your rank, your achievements. They'll wipe your career clean and ruin your reputation."

Joker reached out again and laced his fingers with hers. "I don't need a piece of paper telling me that I'm the best pilot ever. They can do whatever they want, but I'll still know it. _You'll_ still know it. That's enough for me."

"Of all the stubborn people in the universe, I get stuck with you." She said it fondly, her rigid stance relaxing until she was swaying towards him.

"You're lucky that way, I guess."

"Yeah, I guess I am." They walked towards the bridge, both of them taking their customary seats: he in his chair, she in her spot to his right.

"Question," Joker started, once they were out of Omega's orbit. "Just how were you planning on getting to the Citadel without me anyway?"

She looked sheepish. "EDI would have been doing most of the flying. Besides, I've watched you plenty of times; it can't be that hard."

He made an indignant squawk. "You'd actually attempt to fly my _baby_? Shepard, I've seen you handle the Mako _and_ the Hammerhead. If you fly like you drive, you would have crashed before even getting out of the hangar!"

"I am not a bad driver!"

"What_ever_; Garrus told me that he still has flashbacks." He pointed at her. "Face it, you need me."

She put her elbow on the chair's armrest and propped her chin in her hand. Shaking her head, she grinned at him, grateful for the distraction from what lay only a few hours away. _More than you'll ever know, Jeff,_ she thought. _More than you'll ever know._


	31. hope

His heart sank when he saw her sitting there in the brig. Why they needed to put cuffs on her was beyond him, but he'd never seen her so defeated looking in the entire time he'd known her.

"Hey," he said, waiting until the burly guard finished scanning him for weapons.

She picked her head up. "Hey." Her voice was flat, but he swore something lit up her eyes when she saw him. "Did they let you go?"

"Yeah. No real evidence that I was ever affiliated with Cerberus or involved in the Alpha Relay incident, belief that I'm not a danger to society, yadda, yadda." He shifted his weight from one foot to another. "They even took me back after I went AWOL." He gave her a sheepish grin, knowing that she had thought he'd left the Alliance through proper channels instead of simply walking away. "I'm still not on active duty, but at least they didn't throw a desertion charge at me." Anderson probably had something to do with that, he wagered.

"And you decide to come here in your free time?"

He nodded. "A little bird told me that you might need some cheering up." He walked into her cell and sat on the bench beside her. Chakwas had been allowed to tend to Shepard's injuries, so he'd gotten first-hand intel on how she was doing. Physically, she was on the mend, but mentally, she was a wreck.

"How are your ribs?" she asked.

"They've been better. I'm lucky that I heal from stress fractures pretty quickly. I'll be back to normal in no time." Looking around, he deliberately stared at the guard who was trying to give them some sort of privacy. "Who's the no-neck you've got guarding you?"

"Play nice, Joker. That there is James Vega. He's good people." Pointing to Joker, she made sure her voice carried. "James, this is Jeff Moreau."

"Nice to meet you," Vega said before going back to attempting to make himself as unobtrusive as he could.

"Likewise." Turning back to Shepard, he quirked his eyebrow. "So, he's good people?"

"Rule number one of imprisonment: make friends with the guy handling your food. He's not so bad; I could have gotten someone a whole lot worse." It was the truth; she quickly found out during her first day that while he had been ordered to guard her, he really didn't like the fact that she had been jailed in the first place. He kept her company as much as he could while keeping a professional distance for appearance's sake and they'd built a quiet sort of rapport.

Having not heard any news about Joker since they'd been taken, Vega also did a good job of distracting her from going completely around the bend from worry.

"When's your actual trial?" He hadn't seen anything posted on the extranet, but then again, he figured that the Alliance would be keeping this as far out of the media's reach as they possibly could.

"I don't know. They haven't set a date yet." The waiting was driving her nuts. She would have preferred it if they had marched her straight into a courtroom as soon as she had turned herself in, but of course, that hadn't happened because the Batarians were screaming for her head. She knew that Anderson and Hackett were keeping her safe, which while she greatly appreciated them sticking their necks out for her, she also wished that things would just hurry up and get over with. "Until then…"

"Until then," Joker reached inside his jacket and brandished a flimsy looking plastic spork. "We dig. Around the clock."

It took her a second to get the reference, but then she burst out laughing. "_The Great Escape_, 1963." Leaning against him, she put her head on his shoulder. "Thanks, I needed that."

Moving his arm too much still made his ribs ache, so instead of gathering her close to him like he wanted, Joker merely leaned back against her, his cheek pressed against the crown of her head. "Anytime. Now come on, I've got twenty minutes left on my visitor's pass. Your turn." He was happy to hear the dejected sound leave her voice as she quoted from _The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly_. It gave him hope that even though things looked bad right now, that they'd be okay in the long run.


	32. whisper

"Joker, is that really you?" Shepard asked, looking up at the speaker installed in the hangar bay's ceiling once the call form Hackett was finished.

"Yours truly."

She leaned against the armor bench, her chestplate in her hands. "You have no idea how glad I am to hear your voice," she whispered, ignoring the look she could see Kaidan give her out of the corner of her eye. She wasn't certain that Joker would pick her comment up, but his familiar chuckle sounded in the earpiece she'd recently put on.

"We've got a forty-five minute ETA to Mars. Come on up?"

"Give me a minute or two to suit up, but I'll be there."

It took her a little longer than she figured; spending months out of battle gear had made her fingers clumsy with latches that normally would have taken her half the time to do before. "Hey Commander," Joker said once she arrived on the bridge.

"Joker." She stood beside him for a brief moment before giving in and settling down in her usual chair to his right. "I see they kept the leather seats."

"And I am _so glad_ that they did. Alliance seating isn't half as comfortable as commercial luxury liners. They did retrofit a couple of things on the technical side of the control panel, which I'm also really glad that they fixed. Cerberus put in a few controls in places I wasn't used to having them, but now they're back to normal." He made a face and moved in his seat. "Just wish that whoever had made the changes had kept their paws off my seat's settings. It's going to take forever to get them back to the way I liked."

She looked at him. "How in the hell did you manage to be on the Normandy at the right time?" While she had been worried about the threat in front of her at the time, she had panicked at the thought of Joker somewhere down on Earth and out of her reach.

"That? That's easy. EDI made the crew believe that she was a VI that only responded to my voice controls. They took me on board as a consultant. When the Reapers attacked, EDI hacked the docking controls and we came to help you out."

"Swooping in to save my ass again?"

"You know, that really should be part of my job description."

She smirked. "Anyway, EDI actually lied?"

EDI's console had been taken out, but the speaker overhead crackled to life. "I omitted certain details, Shepard."

"Which is the same thing as lying. I didn't know you were capable of it."

"I am fully capable of deception if I believe that doing so will be beneficial for the crew. There is nothing in my programming that keeps me from being entirely honest. Having Jeff aboard the Normandy is of utmost importance; I made sure that he was stationed here as often as possible."

Shepard smiled. "Thanks for taking care of him, EDI."

"I do not have the time or the inclination to train another helmsman to do my bidding." There was a pause and Shepard and Joker shared a look. "That was a joke."

Joker rolled his eyes. "Remind me to give you another crash course on humor, EDI." He cleared his throat and gestured to Shepard. "Anyway, it's good to see you in something other than your usual prison getup."

She snorted. "Three square meals and nothing much to do except nap all day makes for some pretty uncomfortable armor. I don't even want to tell you the places that are getting squished and pinched right now."

"Please. You're fishing for compliments." Maybe it was because of his frequent visits to the detention center, but he couldn't see any sign of her supposed weight gain. What he did notice was that the dark circles usually found underneath her eyes were absent and she looked rested, more like she did during their days on the original Normandy. He had a sinking feeling that those dark circles would make a reappearance, probably sooner rather than later.

Shepard gave him a wry smile. "It wouldn't hurt."

"Nope, not biting." He sighed and stared out at the stars in front of them. "Leaving Earth was hard."

She sobered. "Yeah, it was. Part of me wanted to stay with Anderson, but…"

"The other part knew that he was right, that you're the only one in the whole damn galaxy that can fix this mess?"

"Why does it have to be me?" she asked. "What makes me so damn special?"

"The fact that you're asking me that probably has something to do with it," he replied. "And because anyone else in your position would already be in front of the Council going _I told you so_ right about now. I know I would."

"Great, this is what happens when I act like an adult."

"With great power comes great responsibility."

"Deep. Thank you, Mr. Voltaire."

"Actually, I was going for Uncle Ben, from _Spider Man_. But Voltaire? I'm surprised you knew that too."

"What can I say? I'm more than just a pretty face."

He frowned. "Speaking of pretty faces, I saw that Alenko is on board."

"Joker…"

He held his hands up defensively. "I know, I know. Play nice and don't bark at him. Just because _you_ forgave him for Horizon doesn't mean that other people haven't yet."

"I really _am_ hoping that this will be like old times, but let's just see how this mission goes before rushing to judgment, okay?" She stood up and put a hand on his shoulder. "But I'm not going to tell you how to act. You're a big boy, Jeff. I trust you to do what you think is best."

He groaned. "Great, now _I_ have to act like an adult too."

"If I have to, then I'm dragging _someone_ down with me." She laughed before heading back out. "Remember: with great power comes great responsibility."

Joker shook his head when she was gone. "Yep," he said out loud. "We're definitely back in business."


	33. silk

"How is he?"

"Better than I expected," she replied softly. She didn't sit; instead she took to pacing back and forth in front of Joker's chair, her hands gripping her elbows tightly. "It's still really bad though. He wasn't awake when I got to the hospital." It had hurt to see Kaidan lying there, bruised and battered. Unlike all the times that they had limped together to Chakwas' medical bay during the good old days, both of them bragging about how they had earned such and such injury, Shepard had sat there in his room, watching his chest move up and down with each shallow breath and silently praying to whatever gods were listening that they'd help pull him through.

"_You can't leave my six hanging out in the open, Kaidan,_" she had told him. _"Mars was just like old times, wasn't it? I need you to get better so we can hash things out and get back to where we once were."_

Out in the field, Kaidan might have been one of her most trusted squadmates aside from Garrus, but most importantly, he had once been her _friend_. She'd give anything if she could have that back.

"This wasn't your fault," Joker said quietly.

She quit pacing and looked at him. "Why would you say that?"

"Because I know you. You're beating yourself up for something that you couldn't have seen coming."

She shook her head. "I _should_ have seen it coming. That mech was way too fast to have been human; I should have shot it when I had the chance." There had been plenty of opportunities: she had been so close to reaching out and grabbing Dr. Eva by the ankle when they were climbing an outside ladder. Even if she had been human, Juliana could have shot her in the leg to slow her down a bit. "This is Cerberus we're dealing with. I should have known that the Illusive Man would have sent something to Mars that would be able to take a head-on collision with a shuttle and still keep ticking. Hell, _I_ should have investigated the crash instead of Kaidan. I should have…"

Joker stood up and wrapped his arms around her. "This wasn't Virmire," he said quietly, his fingers running through the loose end of her ponytail and brushing against the back of her neck. Her skin was softer than silk, just like he knew it would be. Since leaving Earth, this was the first chance that he'd really gotten to touch her in a very long time. Even though he had visited her several times every week during her incarceration, they had seemed to come to an unspoken agreement to keep physical contact to a minimum while they had an audience. Jeff had a feeling that Vega wouldn't have cared one way or the other, but it still felt weird to show any sort of friendly affection when someone else was looking.

She sagged against him, her hands splaying against his back. Everyone else expected her to be strong all the time. It was comforting to know that she could let her guard down around the one person she trusted the most. "I know it wasn't," she said, her voice muffled by his shoulder. "But that doesn't make it feel any better either." She might not have lost Kaidan, but he had still gotten critically wounded on her watch. She was the leader; _everyone_ that followed her was her responsibility.

"Kaidan's a soldier, Shepard. He knew what he was getting himself into. And I bet you ten creds that when he wakes up, he won't hold almost getting his brains turned into mashed potatoes against you."

She grimaced and huddled closer to him at that mental image. Due to the storm cutting their communication lines, Joker hadn't seen what Shepard had witnessed, and he definitely hadn't heard the sickening sound of Kaidan hitting the side of that shuttle like she had. "If he wakes up," she mumbled, her arms tightening around his middle.

"_When_ he wakes up," Joker insisted, leaning back only far enough to look her in the eye. "Come on, work with me here, Jules. I'm being disgustingly optimistic just for you."

It had the intended effect. She snorted and rested her forehead against his, smiling when the bill of his hat bent upwards slightly. "Disgustingly optimistic? You? Great, that's a sure sign that the end of the world is nigh."

He rolled his eyes and stepped away. "Hey, I said that I was doing it just for you, not for anyone else. There's a difference, you know."

She nodded, feeling as if he had taken a weight off her chest that she'd been carrying ever since leaving Mars. "Yeah, I know. Thank you." Clearing her throat, she gestured towards the flight controls. "Plot us a course to the Trebia system. We're leaving immediately."

Joker nodded and sat back down. Fingers flying over his screen, he looked over his shoulder. "Apien Crest? What're we doing there?"

"Council meeting didn't go as planned, big surprise there. I'm playing politics right now and doing a favor for a favor. We get the Primarch off Palaven's moon and escort him to this war summit the salarians are planning and the turian councilor will send troops to Earth."

"And we need all the help we can get."

"Exactly." Leaning against his chair, Juliana rested her arms on his headrest. "And I have a bad feeling that things aren't going to be as easy as a simple extraction and escort job."

He looked up at her. "When has anything we've ever done been simple or easy? We'll head into this expecting the worst, which will make anything that happens down there look like a piece of cake."

She tilted her head to the side. "I can't tell if you're being your usual pessimistic self or still trying for the optimistic route."

"Maybe a little bit of both?"

She grinned. "Maybe." She pushed away from his chair and stood up straight. "I'm going to go see how James and Liara are doing."

"Keep Vega as far away from the bridge as possible," Joker called out. "He already wrecked one shuttle; I'm not letting him get _anywhere_ near the Normandy's controls."

"Don't worry; I think he filled his quota of shuttle crashes for a while."

"You can never be too careful."

Smiling, she shook her head. "I'll let him know that." Straightening her shoulders, she added, "And once we get back from Menae, we can regale Kaidan with all the action that he missed when he wakes up."

Joker didn't look back, but he could hear the thread of hope in her voice. "_When_? Not _if_ anymore? Careful there, Jules. You're running the risk of being disgustingly optimistic."

Turning on her heel, she decided to visit Liara first. "What can I say? Your attitude rubbed off on me."


	34. cold

Shepard made the familiar route up to the bridge, ready to settle into her usual space with a stack of datapads tucked under her arm when she saw it.

Someone was in the co-pilot's space. The tune she'd been absently humming under her breath immediately died and she froze in her tracks. EDI was innocently sitting in _her_ chair, her new robotic fingers efficiently going over flight data.

Shepard bit back the urge to growl out _You're in my spot, Thing._ It was slightly ironic, seeing that she had spent so much time trying to talk Joker into playing nice with the Normandy's AI when they had first encountered it.

"Hey, Commander! Check out my new co-pilot!" Joker turned in his chair, his face lit up in a way that Shepard had never seen before. He looked like a kid that had gotten the biggest haul in history on Christmas morning.

Holding her stack of datapads protectively against her chest, she shifted her weight onto one leg. "You had no idea that EDI had done this?"

"Are you kidding? This is me we're talking about; if I'd have known beforehand that EDI was going to transfer herself into the body of a sexy robot, do you think I'd be able to keep it to myself? I would have baked a cake!" He sounded like someone had just given him one of the most exciting birthday presents ever and Juliana would have made a sarcastic comment, but she couldn't think of one.

She was too busy thinking how she could go about ripping EDI's new face off with her bare hands and beat the AI to death with it.

"I'm glad the two of you seem to be getting along well," she said instead, trying but failing miserably at sounding friendly. "I should go."

"You sure?" he asked, trying to decipher his commander's body language. Something wasn't right; she'd never been cold or brief towards him before.

She turned on her heel. "Yeah. See you."

Ten minutes later, Juliana stared blankly at the empty fish tank in her personal quarters, datapads strewn over her bed. She'd tried to concentrate on the numbers in front of her, but they swam before her eyes without making any sense.

"Oh, get over yourself, Jules," she admonished, flopping onto her back. "This is no time to act like a jealous cow, especially over a _robot_, for crying out loud." What did she have to worry about? It wasn't like her: she was confident enough with her own body to not feel threatened by other women. _I mean really. Working with Miranda, Kasumi, and Samara alone pretty much teaches a girl to appreciate what she has instead of what she doesn't,_ she thought. She looked down at her slight cleavage and sighed. _Though I wouldn't have minded if Cerberus had added a _little_ extra padding in certain spots when they rebuilt me._ EDI's new body had plenty of _extra_, and then some. _Joker_ had certainly appreciated…

She groaned. "It isn't like we're actually an item or anything!" she grumbled, staring up at the stars overhead. Attempting to work herself out of the sulk she had gotten into, she startled when her omni-tool pinged.

_[Moreau, J.]: I think there's something wrong with the ship. _Frowning at the text, she tapped out her own message.

_[Shepard, J.]: What do you mean?_

_[Moreau, J.]: I checked the thermostat, but I still don't know why it got so frosty in here after you left._ There was a pause while Shepard thought of a reply, but her tool pinged again before she could start typing.

_[Moreau, J.] Seriously, you ok?_

_[Shepard, J.]: I'm fine._

_[Moreau, J.]: Shit.  
[Moreau, J.]: Now I know something's wrong. You women always go "I'm fine" when you're pissed at us guys.  
[Moreau, J.]: Just to be safe and cover all my bases, I'm sorry for anything I might have done. I'm also sorry for anything I might NOT have done._

She sighed. _[Shepard, J.]: You didn't do anything. Just me being stupid, is all._

_[Moreau, J.]: Stupid? You? I find that hard to believe._

_[Shepard, J.]: Believe it. Note to the universe: Juliana Shepard has faults._

_[Moreau, J.]: Did you hear something? That was the sound of my world falling apart.  
[Moreau, J.]: Since you confessed to being a mere mortal like the rest of us, wanna tell me what's up?_

_[Shepard, J.]: Nothing. _

_[Moreau, J.]: Bull. "Nothing" is just Girl Code for "I shouldn't have to tell you because you should know already."  
[Moreau, J.]: Remember, I have a sister. I know these things.  
[Moreau, J.]: Talk to me, Jules._

_[Shepard, J.]: Ok, but remember, I said it was stupid.  
[Shepard, J.]: It's EDI._

_[Moreau, J.]: What about…hold on. Cerberus hacked something into her new body and she's going to kill us all in our sleep, right?_

_[Shepard, J.]: Nothing so catastrophic.  
[Shepard, J.]: She's a good co-pilot._

From his spot on the bridge, dawning realization hit. He remembered the stack of work she had brought with her. It belatedly clicked that she had made the trip up to specifically work like she normally did and that EDI had been sitting in Shepard's customary spot.

_[Moreau, J.]: You know, just because she's in your spot doesn't mean that she took your place._

_[Shepard, J.]: I know. It's just_

_[Moreau, J.]: Just…?_

_[Shepard, J.]: You looked thrilled  
[Shepard, J.]: with her new self, I mean.  
[Shepard, J.]: gawd, I sound like an idiot._

_[Moreau, J.]: Wait a minute. Are you jealous about EDI?_

_[Shepard, J.]: No!_

_[Moreau, J.]: I can't believe it! You're JEALOUS.  
[Moreau, J.]: Believe me, you have NOTHING to worry about._

_[Shepard, J.]: Not what it looked like a while ago._ She slapped her forehead, wishing she could delete that last post.

_[Moreau, J.]: I'm a GUY. We objectify things that happen to have boobs. It's what we do. Just ask Donnelly.  
[Moreau, J.]: Doesn't mean that I want to go on a date with her or anything. This is more like "ooh look. New hottie on board."_

_[Shepard, J.]: You do this for everyone? Even Miranda and Jack?_

_[Moreau, J.]: Weeeeellll…maybe not as loudly. I like all my important parts where they are._

_[Shepard, J.]: You never objectify me._

_[Moreau, J.]: See, that's a trap. There's no right way for me to answer that one.  
[Moreau, J.]: Short answer is that I run the risk of you punching me in the face._

_[Shepard, J.]: You know I'd never do that. I'd hurt my hand on your thick skull._

Joker rolled his eyes, but let out a breath he'd been holding.

_[Moreau, J.]: And you should know that I'd never hit on EDI. She's more like a mom who happens to be a hot robot.  
[Moreau, J.]: Ok, that sounded weird. Anyway, the whole stainless steel look does nothing for me.  
[Moreau, J.]: I'm REALLY partial to red hair and freckles instead._

_[Shepard, J.]: Really?_

_[Moreau, J.]: Really. And I happen to be on a first name basis with a sizzlin' hot redhead._

Juliana laughed and sat up. _[Shepard, J.]: Is that so?_

_[Moreau, J.]: Yeah._

_[Shepard, J.]: Sorry about the whole moody bit._

_[Moreau, J.]: No worries.  
[Moreau, J.]: Hey, do you know how to work a welding torch?_

_[Shepard, J.]: ? Should I be worried?_

_[Moreau, J.]: You see, there's this empty spot to the left of me. I was thinking of welding one of the spare chairs back in place.  
[Moreau, J.]: It could be your NEW spot._

Jeff fumbled about for the right wording to get his point across. He'd gotten so used to having her hang out with him when she had any downtime that losing what little time they spent together was unthinkable.

_[Moreau, J.]: It would get lonely without you up here, Jules.  
[Moreau, J.]: And unlike some people I know, EDI doesn't get my jokes._

Shepard grinned. Sliding out of bed, she stretched and made a note to ask someone to finish installing the chair she had seen propped up in the corner next to Joker's console.

_[Shepard, J.]: I'll get right on that._

_[Moreau, J.]: Are we good?_

_[Shepard, J.]: Yeah, we're good._

_[Moreau, J.]: Soooo, no hugging it out required?_

_[Shepard, J.]: I wouldn't want to push your weekly quota of touchy-feely moments.  
[Shepard, J.]: And you just want an excuse to feel me up. ;)_

_[Moreau, J.]: Damn :( You know me too well._

_[Shepard, J.]: Of course I do. You're my #1 pilot.  
[Shepard, J.]: Speaking of, how long do we have until we hit the Citadel?_

_[Moreau, J.]: ETA 30 minutes. Want me to let you know when we're 5 minutes out?_

_[Shepard, J.]: Please. In the meantime, I've got to finish a report for Hackett. _

_[Moreau, J.]: Bureaucracy, gotta love it. Now get to work. *cracks whip*_

_[Shepard, J.]: Aye, aye, Mr. Bossman, Sir._

She waited a minute or two for any reply, but figured that Joker had signed out from their conversation. Starting to hum again, she picked up one of the many datapads and got back to work, feeling worlds better than she had only a few minutes ago.


	35. drink

Thanks again for everyone that's stopped by to read! I was going over what I have written and the prompts that I have left and realized that this is probably the last of the truly lighthearted ficlets. Still the same old Jules and Joker, now with more Serious Moments from here on out.

Also, Joker needs to have a Citadel date with Shepard. I can see some raspy-voiced waitress with a teased up beehive, perfectly manicured red fingernails and a nametag informing everyone that her name is Flo lean over and say "So, I see you _finally_ brought a girl over. Me an' Big Jim were thinking about taking bets on when you'd quit hanging out by your lonesome." Big Jim, of course, is the short order cook behind the counter. He's built like a linebacker, bald and always has a lit cigarette half-hanging out of his mouth that surprisingly never flicks ashes into anyone's food. /peek into Issa's headcanon.

* * *

"Buy a girl a drink?"

"You're a higher pay grade than me; shouldn't it be the other way around?"

Shepard laughed. "Cheapskate." Leaning against the bar in Purgatory, she motioned for the bartender to bring two drinks over. "It would have been nice. I've never had a guy buy me a drink before."

His eyebrows rose. "Never?"

"Comes with the territory. When you're a Spacer brat and your mom's the XO on one ship and your dad's looking at boys like he'd vaporize them if they stood within five feet of his baby girl on another, you don't get very many dates." Taking a sip of her drink, she gave a graceless shrug. "I've gotten used to it."

"Even after signing up?"

"Had too much to prove early on to focus on a relationship that went past a quick fling. Then after Elysium, men were too intimidated to even try."

He scoffed into his bottle. "Idiots." Silently, he counted himself in that number.

"Yeah," she said with a wistful sigh, her finger running along the rim of her glass.

Finishing the last of his beer, he nudged her shoulder with his. "Wanna get out of here? I know a place off the beaten path if you're interested." It was more of a greasy spoon sort of diner, a place where flight crews congregated and swapped stories. Not that he really joined in on that, but the food was good and the waitress never let his coffee cup go empty.

Shepard nudged his shoulder back. "Jeff Moreau, are you asking me out?" she teased. Even in the low light of the bar, she could see the way the back of his neck reddened.

"Well, they do have some pretty decent burgers and fries. Honest-to-god dead cow, even. Just don't go expecting anything fancy like they have at Apollo's or anything. Remember, lower pay grade and all that."

She slid her credit chit across the bar to pay for their drinks. "I'll go if you spring for a milkshake. You can't have a burger and fries date without one."

He grinned, thrilled more than he probably should be at her use of the word _date_. "Only if it's chocolate."

"As if there was any other choice."

He held out his arm, his grin widening when she linked her arm through his and leaned against him. "Then let's go hail a cab." If they were lucky, they'd get there before the dinner crowd came in, meaning that there might be some of the cook's famous apple cobbler to share for dessert.


	36. strength

Out of all of these prompts, this chapter was probably the most difficult to write and one that I spent the most time editing so far. I'm still not quite happy with the end result, so constructive criticism is welcomed. I've picked this one apart so many times that I'd appreciate a pair (or several!) of fresh eyes looking at it.

* * *

He knew that something was wrong as soon as he stepped into Shepard's cabin. He found her pacing beside her fish tank, the blue light casting shadows across her face. She looked tired; hell, she always looked tired lately, but this was something that went past a couple of sleepless nights. It was something that made her look older than she was, and he felt unease fill the pit of his stomach.

"Shepard?" She seemed to jerk up from her thoughts at the sound of his voice. He wondered if she had even heard her door open. As a courtesy, he normally asked for permission or knocked before barging in; she had given him unlimited access to her room at the very start of what he called their Cerberus Days. He hadn't asked this time because the upset tone of her voice when she called him over the intercom had sent him on high alert. "What's wrong?"

Even from his spot at the top of the stairs, he could see indentations where her short nails dug into her skin where she was tightly holding onto her elbows. "I went to Huerta Memorial today," she told him, her voice flat.

"Oh shit. Alenko. Did something happen to him?"

She shook her head. "No, he's fine. In fact, he's practically crawling the walls and looking forward to getting out." Her brow furrowed as if she was trying to word what she was thinking. "Jeff, have you heard anything from your family? Anything recent?"

"No." Hope flared in his breast and he descended the staircase to join her. "Have you? Were they evacuated; are they all right?" That same hope died when that tired, worn expression she had didn't go away. He looked at her in horror. "No. _No_."

She took a breath. Breaking news to anyone had never been one of her strong suits, but this was something that Jeff needed to hear from her. "I overheard an asari huntress talking to a doctor there. She had been part of an extraction team sent to Tiptree. She talked about getting stranded at a farm." At first, Shepard had just shrugged off the conversation, treating it as background noise like so many of the other things she often overheard. Yet she had decided to stick around and eavesdrop when certain details began to hit too close to home.

His eyes were wide and he took a step closer to her. "That could have been anyone. There are tons of farms all over that colony."

Shepard reached out and held onto his hands. "She talked about a fifteen year old girl whose brother is a pilot in the Alliance. She said the girl's name was Hilary."

He shook his head, not wanting to believe it. But then he remembered a conversation that he had overheard at the Presidium. A young nurse had been talking about a patient that sounded like a match for Shepard's huntress. Joker remembered the nurse because at first glance, he had thought that she had been an older version of his sister. Holding Juliana's hands, he leaned against the glass of the tank, bracing himself for the worst. "What happened?"

Very haltingly, she told him about the attack on the farm during the evacuation. She described how his father had put himself in front of Hilary, taking a blow that had killed him instantly. Joker bent his head and took a shuddering breath. Hearing about that had been hard; he loved his dad. Guilt had already eaten him up by hoping that if at least one of his family members would make it out alive from Tiptree, it would be his sister.

Swallowing thickly, he tried to find a ray of hope. "But she's okay, right? That asari made it out fine, so Hilary had to have…"

"Hilary was very brave," Shepard told him. "The huntress said that she managed to kill several husks with only a stick. There were so many…"

"Hilary. Tell me about Hilary. _Please_."

Shepard bit her lip, her fingers tightening around his. "They had to go back to your dad's house to get the radio they left behind. They were attacked and Hilary… got hurt."

His eyes narrowed. "What do you mean, she got hurt?"

"She broke her leg. They tried to set it, but the injury slowed them down."

He grit his teeth and looked away. Hilary was the healthy one; the baby that their parents had put through a range of tests to make sure that she hadn't gotten the same genetic defects that had spontaneously appeared with him. She was the one who had won physical fitness awards in school for being the fastest in her class, the one who had joined practically every single sport her school had to offer. _He_ was the one in the family with the brittle bones; Hilary had never broken anything her entire life. "She didn't make it off Tiptree, did she?" he quietly asked, dreading the answer.

Juliana let go of one of his hands in order to slide her palm against his cheek. "No, Jeff. She didn't."

He exhaled and it seemed as if he was suddenly too heavy for his body to hold up. His knees buckled and he dimly felt Shepard's arms go around him for support. "_My Gunny_," he whispered raggedly, his fingers curling into the rolled up sleeves of Shepard's uniform. Someone was making a noise; Jeff belatedly realized that the part howl, part moan he heard was coming from his throat. She moved closer to him and ran her hands over his back, feeling his arms tighten around her in return. She just held him without saying anything, and for that, he was grateful. He'd had enough of the empty platitudes and meaningless condolences during his mandatory psych evaluations back when he had been grounded. He leaned back after a while and searched her face. He had known her long enough to realize that she was hiding something from him.

"You're not telling me everything, Jules. Tell me how she really died," he accused. Holding her shoulders with his hands, he forced her to look him in the eye. He watched as she tried to look away, her bottom lip caught between her teeth. He shook her. "_Tell me_. Don't spare my feelings, I need to know."

She paused, as if trying to find the right words. If there had ever been a moment where he had wanted to take back his words, he would have gladly gone on thinking that his baby sister had died overwhelmed by Reapers instead of being killed just so one damned Asari could survive. Anger and rage flashed hot in his veins and he wanted nothing but to find that commando and strangle her. How dare _she_ live and not Hilary? He hadn't even been aware that he was crying until Shepard reached out and wiped tears from his face.

"I'm so sorry." She walked them towards her bed and guided him to sit down before gathering him into her arms and rocking back and forth as he pressed his face against her, his hands grabbing fistfuls of material at the back of her shirt. Juliana said something else to him, her hands cool as they soothingly sifted through his hair, but he was lost in his memories: his mother walking into their dining room with a triple layered chocolate cake, candles illuminating her face as she sang happy birthday to him. His then-toddler sister laughing with joy as she and her big brother learned how to walk; she for the first time, he relearning how to after one of his many surgeries. His father putting together a long, winding ramp up to the tree house he had built in their back yard so Joker could safely "climb" a tree and have a private, normal space to call his very own, just like all the other boys on the colony his age had. The sight of all three of them sitting in the stands and watching with pride as he crossed the stage and received his wings from flight school. All the laughter and joking and hugs and…

"Remember Arcturus Station?" he asked raggedly, his face still pressed against the soft skin at the side of her neck. "How it had looked like a ghost town the last time we were there? I had EDI scan for any sign that the life pods had been deployed, hoping that at least some people had made it to safety, but all the pods were accounted for. The Reapers showed up so fast that no one had time to escape. I've been trying to figure out just how I'd tell Dad and Hilary that Mom didn't make it, but now…" he gave a hollow laugh that had made Shepard hold him even closer. "Now I guess I don't have to."

"Jeff…" He had never told her that his mother had still been there. Now the pained expressions and his desire to be alone since passing by the station made sense.

"I want to kill her," he growled out between clenched teeth. "Tell me where she is so I can kill her."

Shepard leaned back so she could look him in the eye. "I can't do that."

Anger flashed red hot. "Why not?" he demanded.

"I'm not going to let you kill someone because you want revenge."

He jerked out of her grasp. "Fucking hypocrite," he spat. "You didn't stop Garrus from taking that shot at Sidonis, or Zaeed from killing Vido. How is one bitch different than their targets?" Standing up, he scrambled to put some distance from her. He felt betrayed; how dare Shepard help others with killing their adversaries and yet stop him? He trusted her. He believed in her. He _cared_ about her, and this is how she repaid their friendship? "How am I different than them?"

"How many people have you killed, Jeff?" she asked quietly, still sitting at the foot of her bed. "How many times have you seen the life bleed out of them, watched the light fade from their eyes? How many times have you looked at yourself in the mirror and felt like a monster because you wondered if somewhere out there, that person whose life you just ended had friends, a family that they'd never see again?" She didn't wait for his answer. "I let Garrus and Zaeed kill those people because they _have_ killed others. They know about the darkness waiting for them at the pull of a trigger_.I_ know about it. You _don't_. If it means that I lose your friendship in order to keep you from ever knowing, then I'll gladly pay that price." Her lip trembled and she gripped the sheets underneath her, but she sat with her shoulders straight and chin held high.

He stared at the empty tank, at the bubbles that lazily floated to the top from the aerator. What would his parents want him to do? What would Hilary want? He knew in an instant that none of them would have ever wanted him to kill as a way to exact revenge. _Hilary_ in particular wouldn't have wanted that. _What was I thinking?_ he asked himself. He turned and looked at Shepard and his heart nearly stopped. _What was I about to do?_

"I'm so sorry, Jules," he whispered, his voice hoarse. Here she had been trying to help and he had nearly thrown away the best thing that had ever happened to him. "I didn't mean…" he reached down and framed her face with his hands.

"I know you didn't," she told him, opening her arms and moving to the side so he had room to sit beside her again. "I wanted to do it," she confessed. "I wanted to hurt her, to take her out for you." She had seen in the Spectre offices that the huntress had requested a gun. She had read about the doctors warning against it, that they feared that she would do herself harm if granted a weapon and Shepard had been close to approving the request, but she denied it at the last minute.

Jeff looked up from her shoulder. "Why didn't you?"

She let her fingers idly run through his hair. He'd lost his hat somewhere along the way, but neither of them could remember when. "Because death would have been a mercy to her," she answered. "I let her go so she could live with her guilt. If she dies from anyone else or if the Reapers attack again, then her death isn't on our hands. But if she survives, she has a very long time to think about your sister and what she did to her."

"Slow torture instead of a quick kill?"

"Yes." She didn't feel any remorse for her actions, or in this case, her inactions. "I'm not a very nice person, Jeff. You know the things that I've done, the choices I've made."

"And I've stayed with you." He tightened his arms around her. "You might not be nice all the time, but underneath it, you're a _good_ person, Juliana." He pressed his cheek against her hair.

"You really think so?" she asked.

Ever since leaving Earth, Shepard had been running around, doing things for others without a thought to herself. Tonight, she gave him comfort although he had lashed out at her. To top it off, she even forgave him, even though he had seen how his words had cut her. He hadn't been lying when he told her that she was a good person; he had seen her struggle with her grasp on her morality ever since coming back. The things going on had shoved her from her plain black and white thinking and forced her to work in muddled grey areas. Where a handful of her choices may hurt some, that majority of her other decisions saved many. If she hadn't been a decent human being, then those few choices wouldn't have bothered her as much as they did. "Yeah," he said, sitting up and running his thumb across her cheek. "I do." While she might doubt herself at times, he always stood behind her.

"Would it be all right with you if I stayed?" he asked. "I don't…I don't really feel like being alone right now."

She nodded. "Of course." She broke out of their embrace and went up to the bathroom. He unlaced his boots and stripped out of his uniform, deciding to sleep in his underclothes. She came back down wearing a black tank top and running shorts he'd seen once before. Crawling into bed, she set her alarm with one hand and took the pins out of her bun with the other, her hair spilling over her shoulders in one long red cascade. There was a brief moment of awkwardness while they sorted out where arms and legs went, but eventually they wound up on their sides facing each other. Shepard had her right arm pillowed under her head and her left draped over his chest, her fingers tracing the ribbed pattern of his shirt. They didn't say anything, and eventually she drifted off to sleep first.

Jeff stayed awake, staring at her for the longest time. Reaching out, he wrapped his arm around her waist and drew her close, the faintly floral scent of her hair a balm to his frazzled nerves. Hearing about his family was like a knife being twisted through his gut, but he was thankful that he had someone like Jules with him. _Mom would have loved you,_ he thought, wishing that there had been an opportunity for her to have met his parents. His dad would have pulled him aside to tell him that he'd found himself a keeper, despite Joker's best efforts to inform him that they were just friends. Hilary would have tugged on Shepard's arm and dragged her into the kitchen where she and their mother would have regaled Jules with every embarrassing story they knew, their laughter wafting out of the room and echoing into the living area. It was a cozy, domestic sort of daydream. Unfortunately, it was one that would never happen now.

Shepard turned, her back facing his front. He held her closer until his knees were tucked against hers. He buried his face in the cool softness of her hair and allowed himself the luxury of pressing his lips against her exposed shoulder. She stirred and moved back against him until there wasn't any space between them.

She was such a pillar of strength, his Shepard. He honestly didn't know how he could make it through this war without her. The last thing her felt before falling into a dreamless sleep was the sensation of Juliana twining her fingers around his and bringing their joined hands close to her heart.


	37. wings

She found him standing near the Citadel's memorial wall. "Jeff has been standing there for thirty-six minutes and seventeen seconds," EDI quietly updated when Shepard drew near. "My sensors indicate…" She shook her head, almost as if she were trying to remind herself not to be so analytical all the time. "He is upset. I do not know how to act in response to this situation, Shepard."

Juliana stood there and watched Joker, noticing that he was holding something that he kept looking at. Every so often he would take a step towards the wall as if he would leave it with the other mementos, but then he would shake his head and take a step back, holding the object tightly in his hands. This was the first time in almost two weeks that they had been able to dock at the Citadel. Hackett had sent them out to investigate a Cerberus lab on Sanctum after he had been informed of Reaper artifacts being studied there.

For nearly two weeks after hearing of his sister's death, Jeff had been a shell of his usual self. "You comfort friends when they need you."

"I have tried that tactic. He normally responds well to an attempt at levity, but he did not react at all to my rendition of the _Who's on First_ sketch."

"Sometimes you have to read a person to see what to do." She had been at a loss as well; it was obvious that he had compartmentalized his grief so it wouldn't affect his work, but every now and then it would show.

EDI looked at her with a confused expression. "I do not understand. Using past examples of grief and sadness from a cross-section of the Normandy's crew as a base line of comparison, I have come to the conclusion that Jeff might wish to be alone, but that he does not actually mean it."

Shepard nodded. "You might be right." She had tried her best to be there for him, but he had drawn his defenses around him, effectively shutting her out. For the first time since she had met him, she actually respected his silent request to be left alone, no matter how much her gut instinct was telling her otherwise.

"Then if I am to be in his company, what should I say?"

Shepard looked at the AI. It was obvious that while she might be made from metal and wires that there was something inside of her just as human as the rest of them. "Sometimes all you have to do is be there for someone. It's enough without having to say a word."

"What would you do in my situation?"

"I would go over to him and hold his hand." They hadn't had much contact since the night he stayed in her cabin. Their work had kept them busy; between responding to side requests from Hackett or SOS calls that Traynor would pick up, there were days where she only had a few brief minutes to spare on the bridge. The most she saw of him otherwise was in passing in Mess, she and her ground crew picking at their meals with whatever energy they had left after coming back from a mission before crawling to their quarters to sleep.

She missed him.

EDI nodded. "I was thinking the same thing."

"Then what's stopping you?"

"I assumed that you would like to be the one to offer comfort first, seeing as he places you higher on his list of preferences than he does me."

She frowned. "He doesn't do that."

"Not consciously, no. Yet I have noted upon several occasions since being fitted onto the Normandy up to the present that Jeff's levels of vasopressin and oxytocin spike while in your presence and remain high long after you leave. While amiable towards me, his hormonal levels do not change."

She raised an eyebrow. "Plain English, please?"

"Jeff likes you. A lot." She turned as if to leave. "He has formed a bond with you that he does not share with me, which is why I have concluded that you should be the one to approach him."

There. It was slight and barely noticeable, but Shepard saw something sad flicker in EDI's eyes. "He values you as a friend, EDI. Just because…" Shepard floundered for a word that wouldn't sound insulting. "He doesn't react in the same way towards you doesn't mean that you aren't an important person in his life." She gently pushed the other woman's shoulder. "Go on, I'll talk to him later." She hung back and watched as EDI made her way towards Joker to stand at his side. EDI didn't say anything, but it seemed as if her presence gave him the quiet push he had needed to finally leave something at the wall. He spotted Shepard when he turned around.

"Hey," he said, coming up to her. "How did your little play date with Garrus go?"

Shepard shrugged. "It was good. We broke a few laws, shot some things."

There was a hint of a smile. "Business as usual, then?"

She smirked. "Pretty much, yeah."

He rocked back on his heels. "I wanted to leave something. For them, I mean." Jerking his thumb back at the wall, he continued. "You remember those Junior Pilot pins that were the prize at the bottom of this box of candied popcorn when we were kids? The ones that looked like Alliance flight crew pins and were painted all these weird colors? My sister was nuts about them; collected them like crazy when the company put them back on the market. I'd send her a bunch of those prizes when I could. Dad would eat through his share of popcorn too, and even though Mom said that stuff would rot our teeth, she still bought it. The last time I went home, I could swear that Hilary had hundreds of pins in this huge glass jar in her room." He looked down at his boots, a fond smile on his face. "Every birthday, she'd remind me that I'd better watch out for some competition now that she was one more year closer to enlisting. She promised that when she earned her official wings after flight school, she was going to beat every one of my records and be the new top dog in the Alliance. Until then, she practiced pinning on those cheap metal things, just like…" He paused, his chin digging down against his chest to try to hide the sudden trembling of his lip. Shepard looked at EDI, who nodded before slipping her hand into Joker's. He squeezed EDI's hand tightly before continuing. "Just like mine."

He took his free hand out of his pocket and wiped at his eyes. "Damn, it's dusty in here. My allergies are really acting up today."

"This docking bay is ninety-seven percent dust and allergen-free. Your…" She stopped herself. "Oh. That was a colloquialism."

Joker laughed. For the first time since finding out about his family's fate, it seemed as if the sadness that had surrounded him lifted, even if only a little. "That's what I like about you, EDI. Don't ever change." Tugging on her hand, he added, "Hey, I'm starved. Want to go grab something to eat?"

"I do not eat, Jeff."

"I know, but I could use the company."

"I…I would like that."

"Great." Reaching out, he put his other hand on Shepard's shoulder, his palm sliding down her arm until her fingers were cupped loosely in his. "You wanna join, Jules?"

She held onto his hand, grateful that his aura of _keep away _had lifted as well. Squeezing his fingers, she shook her head. "You two go on. I'll catch up with you back on the ship." She waited until they were out of sight before walking up to the memorial wall. She took her time looking at all the pictures and mementos before finding the most recently placed one. Her fingers brushed over the brightly painted metal wings and the _For my Gunny. Love, your Space Cowboy_ digital note the pin was perched on.

"I don't have anything for you," she whispered. "And I never met you except for that one time I butted in on the conversation you and your brother were having, but I wish that we had gotten to know each other. I wish that I had been able to meet your parents too; Jeff spoke fondly of you all.

"I know that wherever you are, you're looking down on him. And I…" she tried to find the right words. "I'll take care of him too, Hilary, I promise." Heading to the elevator, she bumped into Garrus.

"You okay?" he asked, noting her watery eyes.

She sniffed and swiped at her eyes with the back of her hand. "Allergies. It's damn dusty in here."

Throwing his arm around her shoulder in understanding, he gave her a supportive sideways hug. "Yeah, it sure is."

* * *

My headcanon says that Joker actually hates Cracker Jacks (they've been around for over a hundred years already; I imagine they'll still be around in the future.) There was an incident when he was a teenager involving a friend throwing them at him while he tried to catch the candied popcorn in his mouth, a Heimlich maneuver gone wrong, and a trip to the emergency room to treat several broken ribs where his mother spent the majority of the ride reading him and his friend the riot act on Dumb Things Not To Do Just Because You're Bored. But his sister loved the stuff, so he'd buy a couple of boxes whenever he was on leave just to dig around on the bottom for the prize to send back home to her before handing the rest over to one of the other crew members who had a sweet tooth.


	38. candle

Some of my favorite parts in ME3 have to do with the flirtiness that James and Shepard have going on. I never thought about it, but now I'm wondering how a Shepmanced Joker would react to it.

* * *

"He's been staring at your ass."

Shepard tucked one leg under her as she sat down on the ground near his chair. Ejecting the thermal clip from her Carnifex, she began the job of cleaning it. Tuchanka's sand had gotten into several key operating parts, causing it to jam up at inopportune times while she and her team had searched for the Primarch's son. She had to rely on her Incinerate abilities between gun misfires and the waves of cannibals that hadn't given her time to swap out weapons. She really should use that tech power more often; it had been satisfying to see the bad guys burn to a crisp, even if the smell hadn't been all that wonderful. "And? I happen to have a great ass." She barely looked up from her task. "Don't even try to tell me that _you_ haven't looked once or twice."

Joker could feel his face growing hot. "This isn't about how many times I may or may not have checked you out; this is about _him_ checking you out."

"Let me tell you an inside secret, Joker. As a girl getting to be a certain age, when men younger than me think that I'm hot, I find it _extremely_ complimentary." She carefully set several gun pieces out in front of her, their order long since memorized to the point where she could do it blindfolded. "And besides, he doesn't mean anything by it."

"Okay, sure, _Lola_."

She stopped cleaning her gun in order to give him her complete attention. "Is that what's bothering you? That James gave me a nickname? Should I be upset that he calls you Ace?"

Joker shifted in his seat, words buzzing around his head like an angry swarm of bees. There was absolutely no reason why he should feel any animosity towards Vega. He _liked_ James. He was a good guy with an easygoing personality that Joker trusted to have Shepard's back out in the field. He even played cards with him every so often, the two of them meeting up with Cortez for some late night poker games after their shifts. It was fun; he and Cortez often got caught up in some aviation related topic until Vega dragged them back into the game with a bit of trash talk. After a while, the three of them would reminisce about various people they'd known in the past until either he or Steve cleaned Vega out of however much money he happened to have on him at the time.

That all changed the night James suddenly brought up the topic of their CO and her superior features.

"_Damn, have you checked that out?"_ James had asked, his hands pantomiming a rough feminine silhouette while he gave a low wolf whistle. _"Tan caliente! She could lead me anywhere and I'd gladly follow, just as long as I got to keep the view."_ It wasn't the only comment made, and Joker quickly learned that Vega was definitely an ass and legs sort of man.

Joker had started making excuses for missing poker nights after that. Rationally, he knew that he didn't have a claim on Shepard, but it still pissed him off that someone else would think of her in the same manner that he'd been thinking of her for years. It was weird; he knew that Kaidan had a short crush on her during their SR-1 days, but it never really fazed him. Maybe it never bothered him back then because Shepard never flirted _back_ with Alenko. Instead of decking Vega for making a pass or staring at her breasts – and there had been _many_ times that Joker had wanted to remind Vega that Shepard's eyes were above chest level during missions – she seemed to encourage him.

"There's nothing to be jealous about," Shepard said, cutting through his silence.

"I'm _not_ jealous," he muttered, crossing his arms over his chest in a defensive gesture.

"And now you're jealous _and_ sulking." Putting her weapon back together, she set it in the holster at her hip and snapped the leather safety strap shut. Kneeling, she put her elbows on the arm of his chair and looked up at him. "Answer a couple of quick questions for me?"

"What?"

"Where is our weapons bench located?"

He looked at her quizzically. "In the armory."

"And where is the armory?"

"In the hangar bay."

"And where is Lieutenant Vega normally stationed?"

He looked at her from under his cap. "Also in the hangar bay."

She smiled up at him. "Now here's the important one: why do you think I decided to clean my gun here on the bridge if Mr. Vega and the weapons bench are located in the hangar bay?" Shepard waited for that bit of information to sink in; Joker's lip curving upwards at the realization that she'd rather spend her free time with him than with anyone else. Getting to her feet, she leaned over and pressed a kiss to his cheek. Joker didn't know if she had meant to do it on purpose or not, but her lips managed to graze the corner of his mouth.

"He's pretty cute, but he doesn't hold a candle to you, Jeff," she said quietly. Straightening up, she flicked the bill of his cap. "Now quit being all caveman and start playing cards with James again. He's beginning to think that you don't like him." She didn't wait for his reply this time; she merely sauntered towards the CIC. "You're checking my ass out right now, aren't you, Moreau?" she asked, not even looking behind her.

There was no use denying it. "So? It's a great ass." Remembering something from earlier, he called out to her. "And you're not old."

Her laugh curled around him like a comforting embrace. "See? That is why you're my favorite."


	39. ring

Between the Reaper, the maw hammers, Kalros, and the explosions on the Shroud, Shepard's ears were still ringing after Tuchanka. Her cabin offered her the quiet solace she craved after all the noise, as did the incredibly powerful painkillers she'd gotten from the med bay.

She didn't lift her head from her pillow at the knock on her door. There was only one person who ever knocked instead of using the side intercom. "Door's open," she called out, blindly reaching for the glass she'd sat down on her bedside table.

"Does Chakwas know you're mixing painkillers and alcohol?" Joker asked, coming down the steps.

"Nope. This is just water. For some weird reason, all I have up here are wine glasses." She leaned up on an elbow and took a sip.

"How's the foot?" he inquired, gesturing to the leg she had propped up using cushions from the nearby chair.

"I twisted my ankle pretty bad, but it should be better once this round of anti-inflammatory meds kicks in." She winced as she tried to move her ankle.

He sat on the edge of the bed. "Nice polish," he observed, pointing at her toes.

She grinned. "Liara and I were having some girl time a few nights back."

His eyebrows rose and he smirked. "Please tell me that you have pictures. Let there be pictures."

"Sorry to burst your bubble, but all we did was talk. One thing led to another and…" she wiggled her toes for emphasis. "All she had on hand was purple. I'm more of a classic red or a simple clear coat type of girl, but this works. It matches my…" she winced again when Joker lifted her foot and put it in his lap, his fingers gently rubbing at her ankle. "Bruises. You don't have to do that, you know."

"I know; I want to." He tilted his head. "What bruises?"

"We were scrambling between waves of brutes while rolling around trying to avoid getting squashed by a Reaper. I bruise like a peach anyway, but I earned these when I got smacked around a few times." Her right hip and side of her thigh still ached from falling after the Reaper took out the bridge she, Garrus, and James had been on. She had checked out the damage earlier on in the shower, grimacing when she saw the huge splotch of dark red and bluish purple bloom there. She had bruises in other places after being flung left and right by several brutes in her mad dash to activate the maw hammers that were equally as impressive.

Joker let out a sympathetic hiss when he slid the leg of her sweatpants up to her knee and discovered yet another significant mark that went around her calf. "You should let Chakwas give you something else for these besides the basics."

She shook her head. "This is nothing. We need to conserve supplies; the Citadel isn't going to be able to restock us for long." She yawned. "Besides, she gave me a muscle relaxant for a minor case of whiplash. Between that and the other pills, I barely feel a thing."

He frowned. "I don't like seeing you hurt." He switched from rubbing her ankle to paying attention to the rest of her foot, his thumbs digging into her arch. "I'm sorry about Mordin."

"Yeah. Me too." Shepard hadn't really spent that much time with the scientist except when she went into his lab to do upgrades, but what little time she had spent with him had shown that underneath the clinical observations, he had been a bright, quirky individual.

She wished that she had stopped by to chat with him more often. Curing the genophage might have lost her the Salarian fleet, but what Mordin gained by undoing the damage he had been involved in, even at the cost of his own life, was worth it. Shepard hoped that in the end, he had found some peace.

"He was a good guy. Did you ever get him to sing for you?"

"No. I read in the old Shadow Broker files that he'd performed in musicals, but I never got to hear him."

Joker smiled. "You missed out on something then. I was in the med bay one time when he and Chakwas were talking about it. The Professor was a huge Gilbert and Sullivan fan while Chakwas is more of an Andrew Lloyd Webber aficionado." He continued concentrating on her foot, but began humming something under his breath.

"What's that from?"

"_Three Little Maids From School Are We_. When Mordin realized I knew which play he was talking about, he belted out a few bars." He stopped and looked at her. "Mom was a fan too; _The Mikado_ was her favorite. I can't remember a time when we didn't have tracks from that musical playing in at least one of the rooms back home."

"Jeff…" She sat up and reached out to him, but he shook his head.

"No, it's okay. I've been doing a lot of thinking about my family. I figured that they would want me to remember all the good times – we had so many of those – instead of focusing on _how_ they died. Before she met Dad, Mom had been a music teacher. Hilary had never gotten the hang of playing piano; her attention was always centered on what was going on outside instead of the notes in front of her. Since I was more the indoor-type, I became Mom's favorite student."

Her eyes widened. "No way. You play?"

"Heck yeah, I do. Don't sound so surprised; I might not be able to sing or carry a tune when I whistle, but I can play a mean piano solo. Mom taught the classics: Mozart, Beethoven, Shubert. I never could get the hang of Rachmaninoff, and given the choice, I like playing old 1970's rock opera stuff and the blues more than stuffy concertos." He flexed his fingers. "Pianos have come a long way; you barely have to use any pressure on the keys, and some of the more complicated pieces turned into a sort of physical therapy for my hands. I miss playing."

"One of these days, you're going to have to play something for me." It made sense now; she'd always admired the graceful way that his hands moved across his console while he flew. In fact, she'd often thought that he had musician's hands. That thought usually led to others, most of them centering on just how those hands might feel gliding over her body.

Now that his hands were still loosely wrapped around her ankle, that thought came back with a vengeance and she had to look away before she did something stupid, like jump up and kiss him senseless.

He laughed. "I might be a bit rusty; I haven't touched a keyboard in years." He rotated her foot, pleased to see that the swelling was starting to go down. "Liara did a good job, even if it isn't red," he said, trying to change the subject.

She lay back and stared up at the stars overhead. "Actually, that was Diana's handiwork."

"Allers? She actually came out of her production studio?"

Shepard nodded. "She needed to do some candid interviews. After five or so minutes, she shut her camera off and joined in."

"Ah. _Candid interviews_. She spent almost twenty minutes with me the other day."

"That's because she _likes_ you." Shepard giggled, then clamped a hand over her mouth. Those pain pills were really starting to kick in.

"_What?_"

"Yep. She thinks you're cute, even if she said that you were rude to her."

"I wasn't rude. I just didn't want to answer some of the questions she was asking." He made a face. "_Viewers are dying to know: does the handsome helmsman have a girlfriend or is he one of the most eligible bachelors aboard the Normandy?_ Ask me about the war, ask me about my job, but leave my personal life out of it."

"She asked me what I thought about you."

"Oh? And what did you say?"

"On the record, I said that you were the best damn helmsman I've ever met. I couldn't have asked for a better one."

Pride had him puffing out his chest a bit. "And off the record?" He let go of her foot and stretched out next to her.

"Completely off the record, I might have agreed with her about you being cute. That led to a couple of questions about our working relationship, which was when Liara distracted her with toenail polishing duty." She turned to her side so she could face him, her eyelids drooping.

"She asked me some things about you too."

Fighting to stay awake, she looked up at him. "What sort of things?"

"The usual. How is it, working for the first human Spectre? What do I do when you go planetside for a mission, how it's been, being the helmsman for the Normandy since the beginning, that sort of thing. Don't worry; I made sure to give you glowing praise." He shifted to his back and stared up at the stars overhead. "Off-camera though? I _wanted_ to tell her that while I'm technically still single, a certain person might have ruined me for all other women. I wouldn't have named names, but…" He paused. He was expecting Shepard to say something, or at least laugh and call his bluff, but all he got was silence. Turning his head, he realized that she had fallen asleep while he had been talking.

Rolling out of bed, he pulled the comforter off his side and folded it over Shepard. Before he could think better of it, he bent down and brushed his lips ever so lightly against hers. "I wouldn't have named names," he whispered, gently running the backs of his knuckles over her cheek. "But no one can compare to you, Jules." Taking one last look at her while she slept, he quietly made his way out of her cabin.

Juliana woke up to the buzzing sound of her alarm clock. Groaning, she smacked her lips together. Just as she expected, she had the cotton-mouthed feeling that happened whenever she took strong pain medication. _And this is why you normally just suck it up and deal with the pain, Shepard,_ she thought, running her fingers through her sleep-tangled hair. Unfortunately, she didn't have the luxury of time to heal, and she needed to be at her best. If dealing with a little dry mouth meant that she wouldn't be distracted on the battlefield by nagging pain, then she'd take it.

"Jeff?" She shook her head. It was silly to presume that he would stay, even though she had really hoped he would. Any time that they managed to doze off together - and that was normally when they were sitting on the sofa and trying to watch a movie - he was always gone before she woke. She considered herself a light sleeper, but apparently she wasn't much of one if Jeff could ease himself out from under her where she had used his shoulder for a pillow, pull her legs up onto the couch, manuver her until she was lying down on the cushions, and cover her with her comforter without her knowing. Just once, she'd like to wake up next to him.

Sitting up, she reached over and turned her alarm off. Shortly after, her omni-tool pinged.

_[Moreau, J.]: Mornin'. I hope you don't mind, but I set your alarm to go off when we were an hour away from the Citadel. Thought that would be enough time for you to wake up._

She swung her legs out of bed and flexed her ankle. Just like Chakwas promised, it was almost back to normal. She would have to wrap it up to give it a little extra support, but otherwise it felt fine. Even her sore side didn't feel as bad as it had before.

_[Shepard, J.]: Thanks._

She noticed something on her bedside table. _[Shepard, J.]: Hey, did you leave two stimulant shots here?_

_[Moreau, J.]: Muscle relaxants do a number on me. I normally take one shot afterwards to clear the fog –they're better than a cup of coffee. I didn't know if one would cut it for you, seeing that you took painkillers on top of it, so I left two._

Stims usually made Shepard jittery, and shaky hands weren't really a good thing for a sniper to have, even if she wasn't planning on using her gun at all for the rest of the day. As unpleasant as it was, a cold shower would wake her up just as well. Even so, her heart was warmed at Jeff's thoughtful gesture.

_[Shepard, J.]: Joker, I could kiss you._

Up on the bridge, Jeff laughed. Grinning from ear to ear, he started typing. _[Moreau, J.]: You know where to find me, babe._

_[Shepard, J.]: Give me 30 and I'll be up there. For you, I'll even brush my teeth before I lay one on ya. ;-)_

_[Moreau, J.]: Oh be still, my beating heart. Just get your rear in gear, Commander. If you hurry, you might get the last bit of breakfast.  
[Moreau, J.]: It was Steve's turn to cook and he makes a damned good skillet of home fries and bacon. I don't know how he did it, but he got the synthetic bacon to actually taste like the real deal. I went back for thirds._

_[Shepard, J.]: So if there's none left, then it's probably your fault?_

_[Moreau, J.]: Probably. Mmm, tasty, tasty fake pig._

It only took Juliana less than forty-five minutes to shower, change, and inhale something quickly. She still wound up missing the last part of breakfast, so two slices of buttered toast had to suffice. She had given the coffee left in the carafe a dubious look before opting to leave it alone; Donnelly must have made the last pot because it was as black as tar and just as thick. How that man could drink the stuff that strong constantly during the day was beyond her. Still brushing crumbs off the front of her shirt, she crept up onto the bridge. She had spotted EDI inside the CIC on her way up, and Shepard wasn't about to let a perfectly good opportunity to sneak up on Joker go to waste.

"You're not even going to apologize for eating the last of the bacon?" she asked, leaning on the back of Joker's chair. She grinned when he jumped.

"You know that bell I keep threatening you with?" he asked, craning his head so he could see her. "One of these days I'm actually going to buy one and _force_ you to wear it."

"Just think of this as your regular dose of adrenaline." She winked at him. "_Babe_."

He could feel his ears growing red. "Hey, you started it," he mumbled. "You told Allers you thought I was cute."

"Should I have told her that I thought you were dead sexy instead?"

"I dunno, _do_ you think I'm sexy?"

She fluttered her eyelashes at him playfully. "What can I say? The beard, that hat _and _you play piano…a girl's defenses don't stand a chance against that sort of deadly combo."

He gave her a half-smile, making a mental note to never shave again. "Just so you know, I am _completely_ okay with you thinking I'm drop dead sexy."

She laughed. "I'll keep that in mind. And I owe you something." Leaning in further, she placed her hand to his jaw for stability while she gave him a light peck on the cheek. "That's for being such a sweetheart."

He raised an eyebrow at her. "Did you just call me a _sweetheart_? We'd best be careful. We're one endearment away from being that annoying couple everyone hates to be around."

"Perish the thought." Without thinking, she plopped into her old spot. It felt different; EDI must have changed up the chair's settings. "But really, I appreciated this morning's wake-up call."

"It wasn't anything big," he said flippantly. He was pleased that she appreciated something he had debated about doing; he normally wouldn't have gone all mother-hen on her, but she needed the extra rest. And he was even more pleased at their latest round of flirting and the fact that Jules had swept her thumb against his lower lip while she kissed him. He'd never been one to move slowly when he was interested in a woman, but he had to say that this are-we-aren't-we dance the two of them had been doing more and more of recently was turning his stomach into the best sort of knots. One of these days he'd act on all the flirtatious build-up, but until then, he just enjoyed the ride.

"No, but sometimes it's the small things that matter the most." She leaned forward in her seat and watched as they drew closer to the Citadel. "Okay, so first things first. I'm going to head over to the Embassies and get to the bottom of whatever the rest of the Council thinks Udina's doing. I hope that this is one of those mountain out of a molehill type problems, because I _really_ don't want to shoot anyone today."

He focused on lowering his speed so he could enter Citadel space safely. "Not even Udina? Man, that guy's annoying. I think you _should_ shoot him, just on principle. Nowhere vital, maybe just hit him in the foot or something." He gave her a sideways glance. "After, want to grab something at the diner? To make up for stealing the last pieces of bacon, I'll buy."

"Sounds like a plan. I've heard that Big Jim makes some mighty tasty pancakes, _and_ they have the real deal bacon there too."

"You're on." He maneuvered into docking position. "That's weird," he said, frowning as they drew closer. "I usually get a radio signal right about now."

Shepard frowned and listened as Joker tried to get anyone inside to respond. Something wasn't right. That feeling was confirmed when Thane's voice crackled over the radio and he informed them of Cerberus' attack.

"So much for not shooting anyone today," Joker said with a sigh.

"Damn it." Pressing a few buttons on the console in front of her, she paged Garrus and James, telling them both to suit up and meet her in the hangar bay.

"Rain check on breakfast?"

"Definitely, especially if you're still paying." She paged Steve and let him know to get the shuttle ready. "Keep the Normandy out of harm's way, Joker; if things turn south, I want a quick getaway."

"Aye, aye." It was as if someone had flipped a switch: both of them transitioned from relaxed flirting to dead serious in a matter of seconds. "Be careful out there, Jules."

"Don't worry about me," she told him, getting up and turning to head down to the armory, her expression stormy. "It's the other guys that need looking out for." _So much for my idea of an easy afternoon_.

* * *

From the conversations I had with him, I really like Mordin, but besides his loyalty mission, he stayed in the lab the entire game. Shepard pretty much stuck to having Jack and a flip-flop of either Zaeed or Garrus on her team for about 90% of her playthrough.

I had been listening to a ton of classical music while writing this, which is probably why Joker decided to let me know that he can play piano. His mom was also part of a nightclub/lounge band when she was out of school during summer vacations, which was how she met Jeff's dad. He'd spent the entire night staring at her and his buddies eventually got him to give her a tip. While he was in the bathroom, one of his friends gave her his phone number and the rest was history.

One of Joker's first "recitals" consisted of him sitting at the piano bench while he and his mom played Meat Loaf. The vid of Lil'Joker belting out _Bat out of Hell_ at the top of his lungs was something that always got dragged out during Christmas or any other function. He always pretended to be embarrassed while he laughed with the rest of his family, but deep down, he treasured having memories like that.

And now I really want to know more about Big Jim, Creator of Tasty Pancakes and Flo the Waitress, Keeper of the Never Empty Coffee Mug. After I finish this one, I might write little fragments of things that go on in the background but don't necessarily join in at any concrete point of this story or things that pop into my head while I'm driving to work that elaborate on my headcanon for either Joker or Jules.


	40. dance

Dance like no one's looking. And if people _are_ looking, don't give a damn.

* * *

Joker found her holding up the bar with Vega and Garrus. It seemed that even though Cerberus had shot up the rest of the Citadel, the only place that hadn't been touched had been Purgatory. Now that it seemed that the war had finally reached the Citadel, people were using the place as a way to escape. He gave a cursory look up at the crowded dance floor, inwardly rolling his eyes at the people madly waving their arms about and writhing around like crazy. His dad had told him once that there were two types of people that danced like that: those that didn't care how they looked because they were too busy having fun to bother about appearances and those that didn't care how they looked because they had bigger things on their mind than worrying about looking like a fool.

Somehow, Joker figured that the majority of the people out there were in the second group.

Shepard picked him out of the crowd and waved him over, already calling the bartender to get another bottle of beer. "Glad you could make it," she said, taking a sip of her drink.

"Miss post-fight drinks? No way." He winked at her. "Especially when they're free."

She laughed. "Then drink up, because Vega's paying for this round." Taking the Citadel back from Cerberus and exposing Udina as a traitor felt...well, she wouldn't necessarily describe it as _good_ or _satisfying _since so many civilians and C-Sec officers had lost their lives during the attempted coup, but it could have been a whole lot worse. Silently lifting her glass, she toasted the fallen, her thoughts going to Thane. Out of everything that had happened, she wished that she could have done something differently to save him. Losing her friend had been difficult to bear, especially the manner that he had died. Her fingers tightened on the glass. One day, she was going to hunt down Kai Leng and kill him.

_Guide this one, Kalihira, and she will be a companion to you as she was to me._ Sighing, she shook herself out of a bout of moodiness that had settled over her. Thane wouldn't have wanted her to brood over him. He would have told her that while violence and strife were constant presences in her life, they did not have to rule over it. He would have urged her to celebrate moments of peace when she could. "Come on, let's live it up." Pulling on Joker's hand, she jerked her chin towards the dance floor. "Dance with me, Jeff."

He lifted an eyebrow. "I didn't know you were familiar with the Shin-Snap Shuffle." While he might have taken advantage of Cerberus' bone weaves and upgrades, there was still that fear in the back of his head born from years of being cautious, of worrying that he'd take a wrong step and hurt himself that had him declining her offer.

It took her a second or two to understand what he had said over the loud music, but he watched as her face paled. "I didn't mean…" They did so many things together off-ship that she hadn't thought of anything other than the pulsing beat of the music and the chance to get as near to Jeff as she possibly could. Space on the floor above them was limited; it was a given that they would have had to get incredibly close. She mentally kicked herself. Even taking his medical condition out of the equation, she knew for a fact that he hated crowded spaces. She should have thought more about respecting Jeff's comfort zone instead of thinking about the possibility of having his hands wander as they danced.

He bumped her shoulder with his. "I know you didn't. Thanks for the offer, but I think I'll sit this one out." There was a slightly awkward pause between them, but Garrus broke it by asking Shepard to dance with him.

"You see that? That was an opportunity to get up close and personal with Shepard you just wasted." James threw back a shot of tequila. "Sittin' on the sidelines isn't gonna get you the girl, you know."

Joker snorted and took a long swallow of beer. "Yeah, because breaking an ankle is just so hot."

The other man scoffed. "_That's _just an excuse. Besides, not all dancing involves jumping around and waving your arms in the air like some of those pendejos out there. I mean, check her out." He pointed to where Shepard was standing in one place at the very edge of the dance floor, her hips moving to the beat in a way that made Joker's mouth go dry. "Lola sure knows how to work it. _Damn_, I wish I would have beaten Scars to the punch."

Joker leaned against the bar. "She looks happy," he noted, watching as she tilted her head back and laughed at something Garrus said to her. If the rest of the people out there were in the second group of dancers just on the floor to distract themselves from the world outside the bar, Jules definitely belonged to the first group. She might not be the best dancer or have the greatest sense of timing, but she danced because she liked to, and it showed.

"Not as happy as she would have been out there with you, Ace." He poured himself another shot. "Don't think people haven't noticed the thing the two of you have going on, compadre."

Joker looked at him over the rim of his bottle. "There isn't a _thing_ going on," he muttered.

"Bull. Shepard goes out on a mission, who's the first person she talks to on her radio?"

"Me. She's double checking our com-links."

James rolled his eyes. "Okay, fine, I'll give you that one. Shepard comes back from a mission. Where does she do her briefing reports? Where does she spend the majority of her free time?" He gave him a nudge with his elbow. "And when she was under house arrest, who visited her three times a week for hours at a time?"

"All right, so we spend a lot of time together. It doesn't mean anything." Inwardly, he wondered just how many people on their crew thought the way that Vega did. "We're just friends." It wasn't that he was ashamed of the feelings he had for Shepard, it was just that they were important to him. _She_ was important to him. He wanted to hoard those feelings and keep them private, to keep them something that only he and Jules shared. Hell, he was a private person by nature; having other people interested in his personal life was foreign to him.

James wasn't buying it. "And you want something more. I've got eyes, my man. I can see the looks you give her. What's stopping you from making your move?"

He paused. He only had a handful of relationships to pull experience from, and none of the women he'd ever been involved with were even in the same league as Jules. The friendship that he had with Shepard was by far the longest any woman had hung around, especially when they were aware of his condition. He'd broken it off with each of his past girlfriends when it became obvious that they couldn't handle dating a guy they felt needed to be treated like he was made out of spun glass. It had hurt to realize that while he was giving them the _it's not you, it's me_ spiel that they had looked more relieved than upset about a failed relationship.

Yet in all the time that he'd known her, Juliana had never treated him like there was anything wrong with him. She took note of his limitations, accepted them, and then moved in a way that accommodated him without acting as if it was anything out of the ordinary. She saw _him_, not the OI. It was one of the many reasons why he lov…_cared_ about her.

"I don't know," he replied lamely. _Crippling self-doubt, a lousy track record with dating, and an enormous amount of fear that she'll wake up one day and realize who she got herself stuck with not enough reasons for you?_

"Like I said, I've got eyes. I've seen the way that she looks at you too; you don't make a move and she's going to think that you've friend-zoned her. Lola might be the most loyal woman I've ever met, but after a while of _we're just friends_, she's going to move on to greener pastures."He threw back his third shot and poured a fourth. Leaning back on the bar, he let out a low whistle at the way Shepard's body sinuously moved with the music. "If you're not gonna do anything, you mind if I move in?"

"She'd shoot you down in three seconds flat." The harsh stab of jealousy that ran through his gut shouldn't have taken him by surprise, especially since it was always there when he caught Vega flirting with Jules. It was just a way for them to both harmlessly blow off steam, and recently Shepard had started to call James out on it, but still.

James laughed. "Yeah, I know she would, and she'd probably do it even quicker than that. Thing is, I'm not letting it stop me from trying. Look at what we're fighting here, what we're facing. We could all die tomorrow; you gonna go down in flames regretting not being with Shepard?"

Joker clenched his jaw and stared at the floor above them. Shepard happened to turn around just then and she gave him a beaming smile that he couldn't help but return. Grabbing Vega's glass, he swallowed the liquor, grimacing as it burned down his throat like a shot of liquid courage.

"Hey man, what're ya doing?"

Joker took a few steps towards the staircase leading to the main dance floor. Looking over his shoulder, he smirked. "What does it look like? I'm cutting in." _No more regrets._


	41. fire

"Welcome back, Major." Joker swiveled in his chair and smirked. "Good to see you on your own two feet."

Kaidan warily eyed EDI. "Yeah, it's good to _be_ back on my feet."

"And back on the team?"

"Yeah. Just like old times, right?"

Joker nodded. "Just like old times." He arched an eyebrow. "Except, you know, with added baggage and a healthy dose of mistrust."

Kaidan looked down and rubbed at the back of his head. "Look, about that…"

Joker didn't let him finish. He knew that after Shepard's initial reaction to what had happened on Horizon that she had rationalized Kaidan's behavior. Even if she wouldn't have done exactly the same thing in his place, she eventually understood where he had come from. Things had gotten better between the two of them during Shepard's recent hospital visits and from what she had told him, it seemed that she and Kaidan had cleared the air and were on their way to getting back to where they had been. It was a good thing; she and Alenko had a good friendship once and Joker was happy to see Juliana happy and talking about the good old days again.

On the other hand, Joker only remembered the crushed look on her face, the pained sound of her voice and the way that she had doubted herself for days after Horizon. He guessed Jules was the better person; he wasn't quite ready to forgive and forget until he got certain things off his chest. "No, _you_ look. Cerberus might have brought Shepard back, but don't think for one second that she actually went along with their plans. They might have given her the means to take down that Collector base, but after the job was done, she gave the Illusive Man the finger and told him to go to hell. That was _her_ operation, and those were _her_ ethics at work, not theirs."

Kaidan sighed. "I know that now. And I also know that I'm going to have to work hard to earn her trust back."

"Damn right, you are." Joker stood up and walked towards him. "You never saw how relieved she was when she realized she was going to be working with at least one familiar person on her side. You didn't get to see how upset she was after Horizon, how badly her confidence was shaken. You don't know how hard she fought to rescue _all_ of the Normandy's crew from that base or how she made sure that everyone got off the ship before she turned herself in because _she_ saw that even though they wore the Cerberus uniform, they were all working for _her_.

"You didn't see _any_ of those things, because you were too damn busy noticing the logo on her armor to see anything else."

Kaidan took a step back. There was a fire in Joker's eyes that he'd never seen before. It made him wonder just what types of things he and Shepard had gone through together to inspire such fierce loyalty. _Nothing you could ever join in on,_ he thought, even more resolved to show Shepard that he was fully behind her this time around. "I was wrong," he said quietly. "And I intend on trying my best to make it up to her."

"You'd better." Joker remembered the hurt way that Shepard had sounded back on Mars when Kaidan had questioned her loyalty and how fast she had gone back to the Citadel once she found out that he was on the mend. Narrowing his eyes, he poked Kaidan in the chest with his index finger. "She didn't deserve the way you turned your back on her. If the roles had been switched, you'd better believe that she would have joined you on Horizon without a second thought."

"I know. I'm just glad that she had you with her." He looked him in the eye. "She deserves to have someone she can trust at her back."

"We're a team. I'd follow her through hell and back." He jabbed at Kaidan's chest again. "Speaking of trust, that little stunt on the Citadel was the second time you've put a gun in her face. Do it again and I _will_ kick your ass and then toss you out the airlock." He didn't think about how badly he could injure himself trying to take someone down; he was determined that _no one_ messed with Shepard.

He hated seeing her upset.

"I'll take that under advisement," Kaidan said, wondering again just what had gone on between Joker and Shepard that would make the pilot snarl at him. The Joker he remembered normally kept far away from cultivating relationships that went beyond being professionally polite to co-workers.

Turning on his heel to head back to his chair, Joker nodded. "You do that." He effectively dismissed the Major by swiveling back around in his chair and turning his attention back to the flight console.

Kaidan stared at the back of Joker's head before leaving the bridge. He made a mental note that Shepard wasn't the only person he had to regain trust with.

* * *

Kaidan is one of my favorite people in the ME universe, but Joker hits me as the type of person that's quick to anger and quick to forgive except when someone messes with his friends and family. No matter who you are and how well he knows you, you're going to have to work to get back into his good graces.


	42. mask

_What the hell is she doing?_ Joker leaned forward, watching as Shepard jumped out of the tank and walked at a fast clip towards the Reaper. _What the hell is she doing?_ "What the _hell_ are you _doing_?" he demanded.

"What does it look like?" she yelled back, taking aim with her laser.

"Are you _insane_? Do you see how huge that thing is? You can't take it on with just a crummy gun! And that's not even a real gun; it's just an aiming device!"

"An aiming device attached to a crapload of gunships. This thing is going down." she grunted as she moved over rocky terrain. "Back home we've got a taxidermy man. He gonna have a heart attack when he see what I brung him."

"_Not_ the time to start quoting _Jaws_, Jules! You remember what happened to Quint in that movie: _he_ _got eaten!_ This is crazy! You're going to get yourself killed out there!" Shepard rolled out of the way of the Reaper's blast and tried her best to ignore Joker's panicked voice in her ear. After the fifth or sixth round of _shit, shit, shit_, her temper snapped.

"EDI, hit the mute button on Joker's outgoing audio feed to my set. While you're at it, disable my suit's visual link as well."

"Affirmative."

"Shepard, what do you think you're-" Juliana didn't have time to feel guilty about hanging up on him mid-rant. She was too busy trying to stay alive. _He can yell at me later._

It took several volleys, but the Reaper finally went down. She barely had a chance to catch her breath before presented with a new problem: the quarian fleet was hell-bent on firing on the geth. It took some quick thinking and hasty diplomacy, but she managed to get the fleets to stand down.

The price of peace was steep yet again. Legion sacrificed his platform in order to download Reaper technology to the rest of the geth. Shepard had stared at her former squadmate's body, hoping that all this loss would be worth it in the end.

"Hate to be the bearer of bad news," Garrus said, leaving Tali's side long enough to sidle up to Shepard. "But Joker is _pissed_. And I'm not talking about _who drank the last cup of coffee and didn't make another pot _upset either."

Her shoulders slumped. "I know." She didn't know how she was going to deal with the aftermath, but she knew that she'd have to approach him as soon as she boarded the Normandy. He meant too much to her to brush him off, even if she was exhausted.

He looked her in the eye. "I'm here if you need backup."

She shook her head. "No, I've got it." Playfully shoving her friend back towards Tali's direction, she jerked her chin over to the empty expanse of land. "You're going to be busy staking out property for a summer cottage."

If turians could blush, Shepard was pretty certain that Garrus was. "I…have no idea what you're talking about," he told her airily.

"Uh huh. Sure. Garrus, we've been friends for how long? You should know by now that I can see through your bullshit." Reaching out, she put a hand on his arm. "Take these moments of happiness when they come. We all know that you've deserved them."

He looked down at her and nodded. "We all have. Which is why you need to get your scrawny butt into a shuttle and go talk to Joker."

She could feel her face getting red. "I…have no idea what you're talking about," she said, echoing his tone.

He gave her a look that probably translated closest to a human arched eyebrow stare of skepticism. "Uh huh. Sure. And _you_ should know by now that if you can see through my bullshit that I can _definitely_ see through yours. Maybe you should follow your own advice, Shepard." He didn't comment further, deciding to turn and walk back towards Tali. Shepard smiled at the two of them as she got into a waiting shuttle. Garrus was standing behind Tali, his chin on her shoulder and pointing towards some spot on the horizon. Tali leaned back against him, shaking her head and pointing towards another spot further to the right.

Shepard let that scene stick with her, sitting down and resting against the empty shuttle's wall as they left the planet's atmosphere. God, but she hurt. She could feel blood dripping down her arm and a sharp pain throbbed to the beat of her heart at her knee. Somehow, sand had gotten into her suit and was starting to itch, mingling with the already sticky feeling her sweaty body provided, making it even more uncomfortable. She needed a shower in the worst way.

But first, to the med bay to patch up her arm. At least medi-gel didn't flake off or get soggy when wet like traditional bandages, and she was certain that the injuries to her right arm were severe enough to warrant using some.

She stopped when she noticed Chakwas sitting at the mess hall table, calmly drinking a cup of tea. "Everything all right, Doctor?" she asked.

"Oh, yes. I've just been temporarily exiled from my post." Taking a sip, she looked at Shepard from behind the rim of her cup. "He's quite distraught."

Shepard grimaced, looking at the large window that overlooked the Mess. The opaque privacy screen was turned on, but she knew who was waiting for her in there. "Joker?" She still hadn't figured out what to say to him, but it seemed as if he wasn't going to wait until she had formulated a plan of attack.

Chakwas nodded. "If I were you, I'd walk lightly, my dear." She took a sip. "And patch up that arm. You're going to start bleeding all over the floor at this rate."

"Yes ma'am." Limping her way towards the doors, she took a breath and went inside.

Joker was sitting in Chakwas' chair, his arms hanging between his knees. He didn't look at her, preferring to bore holes in the floor directly in front of his feet. "You shut me out." Shepard had never heard him like that, his voice hoarse with anger.

"I know." She grimaced as she reached for the latch to release her armor, setting aside the bloody metal pieces on the table Chakwas had long since dedicated as Shepard's pre-bandaging unloading zone.

He stood up and went over to her. "_You shut me out_. You treated me like some rookie on his first mission and all you can say is _I know_?"

"I'm sorry, Jeff. You didn't really give me much choice."

He shook his head. "Didn't give her any…" Reaching out, he grabbed her arm, his fingers digging in high on her right bicep. "We're supposed to be a _team_, Jules. You wouldn't have done that to Garrus, would you?" He shook her. "_Would you?_"

She winced. "Garrus doesn't distract me when I'm fighting." Her temper flared. She was tired and hurting and Jeff's fingers were inadvertently squeezing close to a wound she had gotten from a Geth Prime. She understood where he was coming from, but at that moment, she really couldn't stop her voice from rising to match his. "_Garrus_ knows better because it might have gotten me killed."

"Then _Garrus_ should have fucking taken on the Reaper instead of you!"

"I'm not about to order my squad to do something I'm not willing to do myself!"

"Goddamn it, Shepard, why the hell does it always have to be you?"

"Why the hell do you care?"

"Because _I give a damn about you_!" He was so close that she could feel his breath against her face. "Because you're always the one that comes back from these missions bleeding the most, because every time you go out, I'm left sitting up here helpless to do anything but watch when your shields go down and blood splashes up on your camera." His grip on her arm tightened, and Shepard felt her vision grey. He leaned towards her, his forehead touching hers. "I lost you once already. Don't…" His anger seemed to fizzle out then, leaving exhaustion in its wake. "I don't want to lose you again."

His quiet confession stirred up all the feelings that she had for him, feelings that she had tried to bottle up and save for a better time. _Come on, Shepard. Is there ever going to _be_ a better time?_ She put her hand against the side of his face. "Jeff…"

He turned his head, his nose brushing against hers. "I can't do this, Jules," he told her quietly. "I can't sit on the sidelines and watch." _Not_ watching had been even worse; all he had were Garrus and Tali's audio feeds to go by, seeing that they had been stuck inside the vehicle with a limited view of the fight.

"You've never been on the sidelines." He'd always been a constant at her ear, his eyes catching things on the other's monitors or on her own that she would have missed otherwise. She couldn't count the times that he had warned her about a threat that she might have missed or that her teammates had been too occupied to take on. She trusted him with her life, even more so than she trusted everyone she went out with on the field.

"Until today."

Her fingers slid further up until they were carding through his hair. "And I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say, Jeff."

He took another step closer to her, the movement bringing her flush against him. He skimmed his free hand over her waist and around to splay across the small of her back, not seeming to care about the sweat and grit that stuck to the thin suit she wore under her armor. "Promise me," he said roughly, his lips skimming against hers with every word. "Promise me you won't do something that reckless again."

"I don't know if I can," she whispered. "But I'll try my best."

"I'll take that." She didn't know who moved first, but the feel of his mouth against hers was the best thing she'd ever experienced. She tightened her fingers in his hair, her lips opening on a sigh that turned into a moan when he swept his tongue inside her mouth. He groaned when she slanted her head, the hand he had on her back sliding down to cup her ass and bring her that much closer to him. His other hand trailed up her arm, intent on taking the pins out of her hair.

Shepard broke their kiss with a cry of pain. "What's wrong?" he asked, trying to clear his head. It wasn't working; all he could think about was the way she was molded against him and how good she had tasted.

Her mouth was set in a thin line and her nostrils flared. "Your thumb is in an open wound," she managed to say.

He looked down at her arm, realizing that blood had started to well up from a circular tear in her under-armor. He quickly jerked his hand away, wincing when he saw blood begin to flow freely down her arm. "Shit." Stumbling back from her, he blindly reached for supplies. "Why didn't you tell me you were hurt?"

She eased her arm out of her suit. "Because talking to you was more important," she replied, taking a wad of gauze pads from the kit he had opened and using them to clean up her arm. She grit her teeth as the antiseptic she poured on some of the other pads began to bubble and sizzle across her skin.

He frowned as he applied medi-gel, the pain practically vanishing as soon as he was finished. She had to give him high points; his eyes never strayed to the pale blue Alliance issued bra she had to expose in order to get her arm out of her suit. "Are you still mad at me?" she asked, hopping up on the examination table they had been leaning against so she could unbuckle her knee guard and check out the reason the side of her knee ached as badly as it did. It didn't look like she had gotten hit, but her knee was starting to swell, probably from the fall she had taken right before running from the Reaper that first time.

He shook his head. "As long as we're clear that you're not going to shut me out again." He began to unbuckle the rest of her armor, needing to see for himself that she wasn't hurt anywhere else.

She nodded. "We're clear."

Jeff moved until he was standing between her knees, his hands warm against her hips, even through her suit. "Good."

She leaned forward, her hands already sliding up across his chest and settling on his shoulders. _Kiss me, Jeff,_ she thought giddily. _Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me._ Absently, she wondered what had taken them so long to get to this point, but then her attention was focused more on the way that his eyelashes fanned across his skin as he closed his eyes and the soft, slightly scratchy sensation of his beard against her cheek and chin. He tasted faintly of coffee and she couldn't stop herself from framing his face with her hands, earning a rumble of approval from him that vibrated against her chest in a way that had her toes curling in her boots.

"I take it that you're in no danger of bleeding to death, Commander." The crisp sound of Chakwas' voice broke them apart. Juliana couldn't recall when she had wrapped her legs around Jeff's waist, or when his hands had slid down to grip the back of her thighs to hold her close to him. Joker awkwardly drew back, pushing his hat back in place from where it had ridden up his head almost to the point of it nearly falling off.

"Nope. She's good."

The doctor's eyebrow rose up in quiet amusement. "I can see that."

"And I'll, uh, be going." He jerked his thumb towards the door. "Back to…"

"The bridge?" Chakwas helpfully supplied.

"Yeah. There." Even though they'd just been caught in the act by someone who was practically a second mother to him, he couldn't stop the goofy grin he could feel stretch across his face. He stared at Jules, who was sharing that same look with him. "Back to work and all."

Shepard bit her lip and it took everything in him not to cross the room to go back to her, audience or no. "Set a course for the Citadel," she said, trying and failing to sound professional. "The asari councilor wants to have a face-to-face meeting."

"Aye, aye."

Chakwas waited until the doors shut behind Joker to push off the wall she had been leaning on. "I can't tell who's supposed to be the cat and which one of you is supposed to be the canary," she commented, looking over Shepard's arm with a critical eye.

Juliana could _feel_ the blush bloom over her face and spread down her chest. "I'm not sure I follow," she said, knowing full well what Karin meant. She ran her tongue across her bottom lip, her fingers curling against the edge of the table as she got a lingering taste of Jeff's lips. _This is almost as bad as the time Mom caught me with that one boy when I was fourteen._

She must have muttered that out loud, because Chakwas laughed. "I always wondered what that would feel like," she said. "Hmm, adequate medi-gel application. A little messy, but it'll suffice." Still examining, she prodded Shepard's knee. "This will have to be propped up," she noted. "I know that it doesn't look like it, but Jeff is a very important person to me, Commander. I hope you know what you're doing."

Juliana pushed a stray bit of hair behind her ear. "Actually, I don't have any clue to what I'm doing." She really didn't. Jeff was a friend; her _best_ friend, if she was honest with herself. She'd been aware of the flirting that had intensified ever since she had been brought back and she had welcomed the change in their relationship, especially when it was clear that Jeff felt the same way about her as she felt about him. They'd been dancing around it for what seemed like forever, but she hadn't expected things to come to a head _now_.

Chakwas turned to her supply cabinet and brought out a familiar bottle and syringe. Shepard didn't know what the asari councilor wanted or how fast they'd be deployed somewhere, so she needed to be on top of her game. Her Cerberus implants allowed her to heal quickly, but sometimes she needed a little extra push. The medicine in the little vial was worth its weight in gold and would run through her bloodstream to work with her cybernetics to speed up the healing process. After an hour or so, Shepard would be fully healed.

Karin drew the needle out of Shepard's arm and disposed of it in a container nearby. "He may not act like it, but Jeff is an emotional person. It's rare that he lets anyone in." She stared pointedly at Shepard. "Those years that you were gone were dark ones for him."

"He won't talk to me about them," Shepard agreed. She had asked him once, but he had quickly changed the topic. She had left it alone after that, reasoning that she would have done the same if he had suddenly asked her out of the blue what dying had felt like.

"I didn't think he would. He barely talked to me about what he was going through." Washing her hands at the station near the examining tables, she gave Shepard a curt nod. "He guards his heart well. Be careful with how you handle it."

She hopped off the table and began to gather her armor. "I will. I promise." She turned around when Chakwas called out to her.

"I might not have ever had children of my own, but if I would have had a daughter, I think I would have liked her to have been like you."

Juliana smiled. "Thank you. In a way, you remind me a lot of my own mom."

Chakwas' eyes softened. "That…" she said, her voice thickening. "Means a great deal to me." Clearing her throat, she put her mask of clinical doctor back on, but Shepard could see right through it. "Now go prop that knee up and get some rest if you want to be able to walk by the time we reach the Citadel. And for heaven's sake, clean yourself up; you're shedding sand everywhere."

Shepard gave her a fond smile. "Yes ma'am."

* * *

This chapter's quote was a toss between the one that I put in and "You're gonna need a bigger boat." I haven't been using them as often as I had originally planned to when I started this, but they're still going to be scattered here and there.

Doc Chakwas is every single one of my Shepard's Space Mommy/Drinking Buddy and probably one of my favorite NPCs. The first time I played ME2, I was more worried about getting her back than I was about anyone else on the crew (this was before I had discovered Gabby and Ken, seeing that I never really made it down to Engineering my first playthrough.) I don't think I could ever _not_ take her with me, even just to see how it would be different with another doctor on board. I like to think that she and Joker would be close; he might pretend to get annoyed when she "nags" him to take his meds, but deep down he's really grateful that there's someone out there that cares about him enough to go all mother-hen on him. I'm betting that even though they were stationed in different places when he had been grounded, he would have still kept in contact with her.


	43. dream

"What's your big dream for when this is all over?" James asked, dealing out a new hand of cards.

"I dunno," Shepard answered. "I've been too busy trying to keep myself alive so that I _can_ make it to 'after' that I never really give it much thought." She took two new cards from the deck. "You?"

"Probably stick around, maybe relocate to a ground team to help with the cleanup." He made a face at his cards. "Then after? My tio always wanted to open up a repair shop, work on vintage cars. I think I'd like to do that with him. And who knows; I might meet a girl who digs scars and do the whole married with kids routine."

She nodded. "I can see that. You and some pretty lady with a couple of mini-Vegas running around a yard." It was a cute picture, one that suited him.

"Hey, don't make me the only one settling down. I can totally see one or two mini-Shepards hanging out with my kids and raising hell." He tilted his glass towards her. "The whole married, kids, and house with the white picket fence package sounds like a good plan after everything we've been through, doesn't it?"

Jeff figured that Juliana must have thought the same, because her eyes casually slid his way and she slowly ran the toes of her boot against the side of his calf underneath the poker table. Looking down at his cards, he coughed to hide the grin that had taken up residence on his face. In his mind's eye, he could easily see Shepard with kids. Giving into a personal fantasy, he imagined they would have her hair and his eyes. He knew it was presumptuous; but after their episode in the med bay, he couldn't help but let his mind wander in that direction.

"Nah, the house isn't for me," Shepard said, shaking him out of his daydream. "I've lived on ships my entire life; staying in one spot would feel weird. I figure that if my parents could raise a kid in space, I can do the same."

"And you, Joker? Any niños planned?" The sly way that Vega looked at both of them told them that either they were horrible at hiding their emotions or the ship grapevine was already abuzz with the latest gossip and James was looking for confirmation.

Jeff looked at Juliana again, except this time something from his past seemed to spring up from nowhere and bite him in the ass when he had least expected it. He looked away and glared at his cards. "I fold." Standing up, he left his cards at the table and walked away. He got as far as the elevator when Shepard called out to him.

"Hey, you okay?" she asked. "I checked your hand; you would have gotten Vega with that flush."

"Didn't feel like playing anymore," he answered roughly, pushing the up button with more force than necessary. Shepard slipped inside with him and pushed the emergency stop button.

"You're _not_ okay," she started, looking him in the eye.

"Thank you, Commander Obvious." He sighed and took off his cap. Running his hands through his hair, he stared at his shoes. "I can't have kids."

"I thought that was what hit a nerve," she said quietly. "It's none of my business, but…?"

He shook his head. "It isn't that I can't physically have kids, or that I don't want to have any either," he tried to explain. "It's that I _can't_ have any. Vrolik's is often passed down to the next generation. I won't put my kid through all the surgeries and pain that I went through." He thought about those imaginary children, but this time he saw a little boy with dark hair and Shepard's blue eyes walking around on crutches, his legs in braces.

"I can respect that," Shepard began.

"I hear a 'but' coming."

"But what if it doesn't get passed along? Sure, your type of OI happens to be a dominant gene, but you have a fifty percent chance that it _won't_. Science has come a long way in thirty years: while they haven't found a cure yet, doctors can pinpoint that gene and modify…"

He interrupted her. "What if it was your child, Jules?" He leaned against the wall of the elevator, his hands opening and closing, almost as if he were remembering how it felt to hold onto a crutch. "What would you do if some doctor told you that your baby had a deformity, that they would never be normal like everyone else?"

She shook her head. "I would love them, no matter what. Just because they would have limitations doesn't mean that they're automatically turned away from anything life has to offer them." She took a step towards him, but he had slammed up those walls and barriers of his that she had thought she'd long since gotten past. "Yes, their condition would be a part of them, but it doesn't have to define them. You of all people should know that." She said the last part softly, taking a breath when she felt his walls start to crumble.

"You're forgetting one important thing."

"And what would that be?"

He pointed to himself. "It takes two to tango. Look at me; who'd want to saddle themselves to this mess?"

She frowned. "Who was she?" she asked. This went beyond worry about passing along Vrolik's. Someone had hurt Jeff in the past; she just hoped that asking him about it wouldn't push him even further away.

He took a breath. "Her name was Becca…Rebecca. One of the navigators I worked with introduced us and we clicked right away. It got serious." He let out a humorless laugh and looked at her. "I was thinking about marrying her. Hell, I even proposed."

"What happened?"

He grunted. "What does it look like? She told me no. She said that she could _handle_ having me as a husband. She could _learn_ to _deal_ with my issues. She finally told me that the reason she wouldn't take the ring I had picked out for her was that she couldn't bear the thought of having crippled little kids. She had been dropping clues left and right the entire time we were dating, but I chose to ignore them." He ran his hand through his hair again. "I wanted to have something normal _so badly_ that I blanked everything out."

"She didn't deserve you, Jeff."

"Yeah?" He gave a little self-deprecating laugh that put her on edge. "What makes you say that?" Just thinking about the way that Becca's face had looked when she handed him back that little velvet box made him wonder when Shepard would eventually push him away.

"Because she was a coward that only looked at the surface. She looked at you and saw things that she was too afraid to confront in order to be with you."

He pushed off the wall and moved closer to Shepard until he was crowding her against her side of the elevator. "What about you?" he asked, his voice ragged and low. "When you look at me, what do you see?"

She swallowed, wondering when the air had gotten so thick. "I see a person who's been hurt in the past. I see someone that's built walls and constantly pushes people away so no one else can hurt him." She slid her hand up his chest, her fingers stopping over his heart. "I see that underneath the prickly, somewhat antisocial behavior there's a _good_ man who is worth facing _any_ challenge to be with; a man that any woman would be lucky to have." She moved her hand to the side of his face, watching as he tightly closed his eyes and leaned into her touch, one of his hands going up beside her head to brace himself against the wall as he sagged against her. "I see a man that I'm _extremely_ grateful to have in my life."

"Juliana." He turned his face against her hair, his free hand palming her hip. "_Jules_…" It felt right to turn his head and meet her upturned face for a kiss. She didn't shy away from him when he pressed her against the wall with a hard thump. She didn't try stop him when his mouth turned aggressive, didn't try to be gentle like any of the other women he'd known had out of fear that she might hurt him. She accepted him and returned his kisses just as forcefully, which was something that no one else had ever done for him before. One by one, the locks he had put around his heart fell to the wayside and he let himself think of the possibility of a future together with her. It was scary as hell, but freeing at the same time.

"We've been dancing around the other for a while now," she murmured once he let them up for air, her fingers stroking through in the hair at the nape of his neck. "Tell me that what happened earlier wasn't a fluke, that there's something here and we're not just getting swept up in the whole 'end of the world as we know it' thing."

He brushed his lips against her throat; his heart doing a stutter-step as he felt her pulse jump under his mouth and heard her shaky little intake of breath. "I've wanted this," he said quietly, his hand sliding up higher on her side. _For years,_ he thought. _Before the Collectors, before even Saren, since the first time I saw you._ "For a long time. You mean a lot to me, Shepard."

Whatever she was going to say next was interrupted by a shrill alarm that made them both jump. "Stupid elevators," Shepard said, jabbing the button and sending them in motion. "Jeff, I want to say…"

"We've probably got a twenty minute ETA until Thessia," Joker quickly told her, taking a few steps away and his voice going back into business-mode. "You deserve…"

She stopped him by pressing her fingers against his lips. "Don't you _dare_ say I deserve someone better than you," she warned, her eyes narrowing.

He kissed her fingers, his mouth quirking up at her protective manner. "I was _going_ to say that we both deserve to have this conversation later, you know, like when you're not about to drop down on some planet and kick Reaper ass."

She relaxed. "Okay," she said, mirroring his expression. "But after?"

"Yeah. After."

The elevator pinged and the door opened. Before Joker could step out, Shepard grabbed the bill of his cap and pushed it upwards. "Until then," she told him, her smile evident in her voice. "Keep this under your hat." Rocking up on her tiptoes, she kissed his forehead and gently put his cap back in place.

Feeling lighter than he had in a very long time, he winked at her. "Aye, aye."


	44. gravity

"So, you and Shepard, huh?"

Joker looked up from his meal in time to see Garrus take the empty seat across from him. "What?" he asked, his mouth full of vat-grown chicken. Since they hadn't picked up a Mess Sergeant, each of the crew members had taken it upon themselves to do rotating KP duty. Tonight had been Daniels' turn, and he had to admit that she could whip up a mean batch of chicken tetrazzini. He figured that she had pulled out all the stops to impress Donnelly, who hadn't stopped singing her praises since taking his first bite.

It was cute the first time. Hearing variations of _now let's see if you can make a decent haggis_ three or four times soon after was starting to get old.

"You heard me," Garrus said, pitching his voice low so that anyone still lingering couldn't eavesdrop. "And don't play the innocent _we're just friends_ card on me either. You owe me that much."

"So, no bullshit then?"

"No bullshit."

Wiping his mouth on his napkin, Joker looked the turian in the eye. "Okay. I have feelings for her. Haven't had any time to really act on them, probably won't get a chance to before all of this is said and done, you know the drill." Things were starting to look _too_ good between him and Jules; ever the pessimist, he was holding his breath while he waited for the other shoe to fall. "Actually, I always figured that I'd be on the opposite side of this conversation. Guys like you are more the romantic interest, leading man type material. The best that guys like me can usually hope for is being the comedic relief."

Garrus leaned his elbows on the table. "I thought I said that I didn't want to hear any bullshit, Joker."

"Isn't bullshit if it's the truth." He hoped that it wasn't the truth, that his fears were unfounded. He hoped that they'd be able to work something out once Shepard got back from Thessia.

"Then I've obviously overestimated you, Moreau. I thought you'd be able to see the facts for yourself."

"Care to elaborate?"

Garrus held out his hand. "Fact number one," he said, ticking it off with his finger. "Ever since our days on the old Normandy, you and Shepard have been close. If she wasn't down in the hangar bay and kicking the Mako's tires with me, she could be found up on the bridge with you. You're the only one to call her Jules, which is saying a lot."

Joker shrugged. "I'm not holding a patent on that name. Anyone else can use it, you know."

"Yeah, but it sounds strange coming from everyone when we call her that, so we all just stick to calling her Shepard instead. Fact number two:" He ticked off another finger. "Ever since she came back from the dead, the two of you have been joined at the hip. After the hard missions, she'd go to the bridge to talk to you and come back down looking a hundred times better. When the Collectors attacked the ship, you should have seen the way she reacted when she thought that you had been taken. I've been with Shepard through some pretty tense times, but I've _never_ seen her lose her cool like that before. And I probably don't have to remind you about who stuck by her side when she turned herself in to the Alliance. Out of everything that's happened, you've been the most loyal."

"Like I said, I care about her."

"I know you do, and I know that she cares about you too. Even though Shepard and I are close, I envy the connection you have with her." He cleared his throat and leaned further on the table. "Which leads me to fact number three: Shepard is incredibly special to me. We've been through a lot; I've come to think of her as family. If you _do_ ever get a chance to act more on these feelings you have and you manage to hurt her, I _will_ hunt you down and cut your heart out with a spoon."

Joker frowned in confusion. "Why a spoon?"

"Because it's dull, you twit. It'll hurt more."

Joker blinked, their conversation sounding like something he'd already heard somewhere. "Wait a minute. Did we just have a _Robin Hood_ moment there?"

Garrus grinned, or at least Joker thought he did by the way his mandibles flared. Even now, turian facial expressions were still hard for him to read at times. "You're not the only one Shepard watches old movies with." Standing up, he gave him a pointed stare. "If you care about her, let her know. With everything that's going on and everything we've all been through, she deserves whatever happiness she can get. You do too." He meant it; Shepard had become one of his best friends and something of a sister to him. While Garrus didn't spend nearly as much time with Joker as Shepard did, he had great respect for him.

"Thanks."

And to get back at Shepard for pulling Tali aside and giving her a similar threat if she ever broke _his _heart, he added, "But seriously, I'm not kidding about the spoon."

Garrus gave him that old _I'm watching you_ hand gesture as he walked away and Joker finally found out what it was like to be between the turian's crosshairs. It wasn't a pleasant experience, and it only made him that much more determined to stay on Garrus' good side, especially since he knew that Garrus was fully capable of following through with his threat. Absently rubbing at his chest, Joker picked up his plate and went over to Donnelly. "Here, finish my share," he said, ignoring Ken's enthusiastic words of thanks. He had better things to do, like head back up to the bridge to see how Jules was doing planetside. It felt _weird _not watching her since she dropped down, but EDI had all but physically kicked him out when his stomach had begun to loudly growl to the point that it was starting to get distracting. The only reason he left his post was because she promised to keep an eye on the ground team and alert him if anything went wrong while he was away. So far, EDI had been silent.

Thinking about Juliana, Joker tipped his hat as he got into the elevator. Swearing that he could still feel the warm imprint of her lips on his forehead, he started to plan what he'd say to her once she got back.

* * *

Garrus and Shepard's Movie Nights started when Shepard threw out a quote from a recent movie and he didn't get the reference. She took it upon herself to educate him in the ways of action/adventure films, and surprisingly, he started to like the older Errol Flynn-esque swashbucklers more than the shoot-em-up types. _Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves_ became one of their movies to watch when they had an off minute between calibrations. Seeing as that time is sporadic, they tend to do Movie Night in installations, picking up where they last left off. The next movie on their queue is _The Goonies_.

Shepard might love Tali like a sister, but this is My Bro Garrus we're talking about. She didn't really specify what she'd do to Tali if she ever broke Garrus' heart, but she promised that it wouldn't be pleasant. And then she hugged her, said she was happy for them both, and went off on her merry way, leaving Tali asking her _why _one would kill the president of Paraguay with a fork when there were so many other options available.

Shepard made a mental note to include Tali on the next Movie Night.

I don't know why, but I'm starting to think that Daniels lived in an upstairs apartment in Brooklyn when she was growing up. Downstairs was this adorable little Italian lady who became a sort of adoptive grandma. With both parents working, Daniels was a latchkey kid, so every day after school, Nonna Eva would let her stay with her and she taught Gabby how to cook and knit. She kept in touch with her even after her parents moved away, visiting when she could. When Gabby talked to her about things going on at the tech academy, Eva would tease her about how she always talked about Donnelly and often asked when she'd get to meet this young man. She died of old age shortly after Gabby had been stationed on the SSV Perugia. When she gets stressed out, Gabby starts to mumble recipes she's memorized. During the fight on the Citadel, Ken got to hear exactly how to make a perfect Panettone and then how to use that to make a Panettone and orange bread pudding. She can also be found on her off-hours sitting in the crew quarters knitting. She jokes that some girls get a hope chest, but others get a foot locker - at the very bottom of hers is an intricately made lace tablecloth that she keeps working on when she gets the chance, the pattern one of the very first things that Eva taught her once she got the basics down.

She made Ken a sweater once to wear when he went home on leave. Out of everything he owns, he vaules it as one of his most prized possessions.

(In case you couldn't tell, Ken/Gabby is my NPC OTP.)


	45. world

The events of Thessia had hit the crew of the Normandy hard. Liara was inconsolable, James spent the majority of his time upgrading the entire armory, and Shepard…Joker had never seen Juliana like this before. When the three of them stepped off the shuttle as soon as it had landed back in the hangar bay, it was as if she had closed a part of herself off from everything. She still went to the bridge, still told Joker their next coordinates, but there was something missing. Her hand might be on his shoulder as she talked, but her eyes were cold and closed off and her movements mechanical.

Jeff went straight to her cabin after his shift ended. He didn't knock before entering, and he found her sitting with hunched shoulders at the edge of her bed, her clasped hands between her knees and her head bent, her hair falling down in front of her face and obscuring her features. He didn't say anything, just sat down next to her and waited. Normally, Jules would have already started talking, telling him how she felt about the mission, started strategizing how to make the next one better. Instead, she turned her head to glance up at him, and he felt his heart drop to his stomach at the anguished, defeated look in her eyes. She sighed and leaned against him, her face pressing against the side of his neck. Jeff wrapped his arms around her and moved them until they were stretched out in bed. He held on and waited for her to say something, not knowing what to say to get her to open up to him.

They both fell asleep without having said a word.

The next day wasn't any better. Joker knew from EDI that Shepard had spent most of her time with Liara and Garrus, but other than hanging around in the main battery and Liara's room, she made herself scarce around the Normandy. They were still in limbo as to where to go next or where Cerberus might be tracked. Traynor was working on something, and EDI said that she was close to cracking a tracking signal Miranda had managed to put on Kai Leng, but there wasn't anything concrete to report on. Shepard still hadn't shown up on the bridge, so Jeff decided to give her space.

He gave her another day before finally doing something. He probably would have given her longer, but he had finally caught sight of her on the hangar bay's security cameras. She was stripped down to her fatigues and a tank top, her arms working like pistons against the punching bag James had tucked away in a corner. She must have been there for some time because the light blue tank top was darkened with sweat and her hair stuck to her cheeks in wet ringlets where it had escaped from the loose ponytail she had put it in. James was saying something as he stood next to her, but she shook her head and ducked her shoulders, aiming her punches low on the bag. Vega moved to hold the punching bag, but Shepard jerked her head and moved around. James moved with her, his face caught in the camera. He was worried, but then again, Joker knew that they were _all_ worried about her. While he hadn't personally seen her, he had heard reports from the crew that she had been short-tempered and brief instead of her usual self.

_All right Jules,_ he thought, getting up from his chair and watching as James threw his hands up in defeat before walking away. _Time to talk._

He couldn't see her when he got off the elevator, but he could hear the loud smacking of something hitting something else hard and fast. "Watch out, amigo," James cautioned. He had left his usual post and was working with Steve on the shuttle. "Lola's backed herself into a corner and she's got her claws out."

"She needs to let it out, but not like this," Steve added. "Talk to her, Joker. We tried, but maybe she'll listen to you."

Jeff took a breath and walked towards James' station. He heard her before he saw her, her grunts timing with the swing of the punching bag. She circled around and Jeff wondered if she was trying to exhaust herself, because it didn't look like she had gotten any sleep the night before. Months ago, he had wondered what would happen if that carefully built façade Jules locked all her emotions behind would break. Now, he got his answer.

For her part, Shepard didn't hear him come up behind her. She was too busy focusing on the way that her knuckles stung as they hit the punching bag, the way that sweat slid down her back. Her arms burned, but at least the pain was something she could deal with, something that she could fix.

_You can't save them. You couldn't save me._ Her fist hit the bag again as she thought about the dream that had woke her up that morning. She could remember the way that the dead leaves had crunched underfoot as she ran after the boy, except this time instead of just hearing the echo of her own voice when she called after him, she heard the voices of hundreds of people crying out from the shadows, all of them blaming her for failing them. Those voices stayed with her long after she had bolted upright in a cold sweat.

_You let us die._ With a loud cry, she lashed out at the still swinging bag. Her omni-tool flashed and the burst of energy that came with using Incinerate knocked the bag off its chain just as the canvas burst into flame. She stood there with her chest heaving as she watched a small servo automatically put the fire out.

"Way to kill that one." She pivoted on her feet at the sound of Joker's voice, the way he was slowly clapping his hands echoing in the room.

"Shepard, I'm indicating that there was a fire in the hangar bay," EDI said from the speakers on the ceiling.

Juliana looked up. "It's been dealt with, EDI. Everything's fine."

"I will make a note."

It didn't sound like EDI believed her, but she was glad that the AI didn't press the issue. She looked at Jeff. "Everything's fine."

He snorted and crossed his arms over his chest. "If this is your _fine_, then I'd hate to see what you call a _disaster._"

She wiped at her forehead with the back of her hand. "_Thessia_." Going over to the slain punching bag, she made sure that the flames had been extinguished. "Thessia is what I'd call a disaster. Actually, I'd call it a supreme clusterfuck, but I'm trying to cut down on my cussing."

He didn't say anything, and she stared at him before mopping sweat from her eyes with a nearby towel. "Come on, Joker. This is the part of the conversation where you break the tension with a sarcastic quip. Maybe something like _so, guess they should have had more commandos instead of dancers, huh, Commander?_ Then I'd get all upset and tell you that letting billions of people die wasn't a joking matter."

"You didn't _let_ billions of people die, Jules."

She looked up from the towel, her eyes blazing with anger. _Good, at least they're not empty any more._ "Well, that's nice. When Earth gets destroyed because I slipped up, that'll be a great comfort to know that I didn't just sit back and _allow_ it to happen."

"So Kai Leng handed your ass to you. He's done the same to Anderson and you don't see him moping about it."

"Anderson didn't have the weight of the whole fucking world riding on his screw-up. I _do_." She twisted the towel in her hands. "I make a decision and people either live or die because of it. I'm Commander Shepard, the people's savior. Send me out and it's a guaranteed win. _I don't fail, Jeff._"

"Juliana, you're human. Things like this happen. What's wrong is the way that you're dealing with it. EDI says that you're under more stress now than you were during the Blitz. Bottling things and beating yourself up about it isn't helping. _Talk _to us. Talk to _me_." He reached out to touch her, but she shrugged him away.

"What's there to talk about?" she asked. "Do you want to talk about the way that it felt when I heard an entire squad of commandos die, or the way that another squad sacrificed themselves because they had faith that even if they died, I would still save the day, only to have me drop the ball?"

"Jules…"

"Or maybe we could talk about this little boy that I saw get killed on Earth. He looked at me and told me point blank that I couldn't save him." She gave a humorless laugh. "And he was right. I can't save them. I couldn't save Ash on Virmire. I couldn't save the Council when Sovereign attacked. I couldn't save Pressly and the others when the Normandy went down. I couldn't save Mordin, I couldn't save Thane, and I couldn't save Legion. What sort of savior does that make me? Who else is going to die because of me?"

"Okay, I'm officially breaking up the pity party," Joker told her. "I think three days of stewing is plenty. Yes, you lost people, but you also saved others. All this crap that you're dragging yourself down with is making you miss the big picture. Kaidan is alive. The Krogan have a future, the Salarian councilor is still breathing, and the Quarian fleet is at peace with the Geth.

"You might not have been able to save everyone, but the majority of the Normandy's original crew is still around because of you. _I'm_ still around because of you. Doesn't that count for something?" He pressed on. "People care about you, Shepard. You're biting everyone's heads off when they try to see if you're okay, hell, _Anderson_ told me that he's worried. He told me to look after you, but how can I do that if you won't let me in?"

"I don't know _how_." She threw her hands up in frustration. "I don't know how to get over this so that I won't screw up again."

"Do you think that you're the only one that's ever messed up royally? Do you think that no one else knows how you feel right now? What you're doing is exactly the same thing I did when I watched you get blown up." Joker had never gotten around to talking to anyone about what he had felt all those years ago, and thinking about it now brought all the anger and frustration right back to the surface. "I kept on thinking _why me_? Why did _I _live and you didn't? I was the one who screwed up by staying on the bridge as long as I did. If I had left sooner, you could have made it to the life pods. _I_ was the reason you died."

She looked at him incredulously, all the fight drained out of her in one fell swoop. "All this time, you…"

"Yeah, I blamed myself. For a year and a half, I couldn't sleep without having nightmares of that last moment. I couldn't think about you without seeing the look on your face, without wishing that it had been me out there instead of you." He had to know. "Why did you do it, Jules? Why didn't you just leave me to die?"

She opened her mouth several times, her thoughts scattered. Her feelings were in a jumbled up mess, so she went with the safest option. "I couldn't leave the best pilot in the fleet behind, could I?"

It was the wrong answer. Jeff took a step backwards, his face closed off to her. "Yeah, well I guess that would have looked bad on your report." Turning away from her, he shook his head.

He hadn't taken all of two steps away when he heard her. "You _asshole_," she hissed. "Do you honestly think that's all I would have cared about?" He didn't flinch when the towel she had been holding hit his right shoulder. She stomped towards him until she was in front and blocking his exit. "I didn't plan on dying back there, but if I would have known beforehand that I would if I went back for you, you bet your ass I would have still done it."

"But _why_?" They were both yelling now, audience be damned.

"Because even then, you meant something to me; you were my friend. You're my _best_ friend. Do you _know_ what I was thinking at the very end? I was scared, but the last thing I remember thinking was that I was grateful you had made it." She jabbed at his chest with a finger, her lip trembling and her voice shaking. "The _only_ person keeping me sane in this whole damn shitstorm is _you_, Jeff. Don't you _dare_ think that you don't matter to me, that you're just a number." She turned on her heel and stalked off towards the elevator.

"Way to go, compadre," James said with a frown. "We told you to _talk_ to her, not piss her off."

"Yeah, well at least she's mad at me instead of herself now."

EDI's voice crackled over the speakers. "Shepard has been instructing me to watch various films from the nineteen nineties. At this point in every romantic comedy that I have seen, the protagonist's best friend lets him know that he is an idiot and that he should go after the girl." There was a pause. "Jeff, you are an idiot. Shepard is heading towards the starboard observation deck; you should go after her."

He rubbed his face with his hand. "Thanks, EDI. Now if you can just scrounge up a baggy jacket, a boom box, and a recording of Peter Gabriel's _In Your Eyes_, I'll be set."

"I do not understand."

"Watch some stuff from the eighties." Taking a breath, he pushed the button to call down the elevator. He didn't know what he'd say to her, and he still didn't have a clue when he walked into the observation deck. He saw her right away and his heart twisted at the way that she sniffled and wiped at her face. She didn't say anything when he sat down next to her, his arm against the back of the couch.

"I'm sorry," he told her, reaching out and catching a tear with his thumb before it could slide down her cheek.

"I'm sorry too," she whispered, leaning against him. She gave a little huff of laughter. "I'm not doing so good on the whole not shutting you out thing, am I?"

He wrapped his arms around her, his chin settling against the crown of her head. "We'll work on it."

She sighed and traced a finger over his shirt. "I never realized how bad those years were," she told him. "Chakwas said that they were dark, but…"

"It doesn't matter," he said, cutting her off. "They were hard, but you're back now. That's all that matters to me." He guessed that he still wasn't quite ready to talk about that just yet, not even with Shepard.

She nodded. "Okay. You know that I never blamed you, right?"

He took a shaky breath, his arms tightening around her. "I know." He tilted her face up so he could look her in the eye. "And you know that Thessia falling wasn't your fault, right?"

It was her turn to take a shaky breath. "I know." Realistically, she knew that she couldn't have stopped every Reaper ship that had landed, but…

"Stop beating yourself up over it," he said firmly, bringing her out of her thoughts. "Like I said, you got knocked down. Now all you have to do is get back up." He leaned down and brushed her lips with his. "And if I know you, you're going to come up swinging."

She smiled against his mouth. It was the first time she'd smiled in nearly three days. "I always said you were my touchstone."

"And I always said that I'd be here for you."

She took a breath and drew back. "I probably should go apologize to James for setting his punching bag on fire."

"I think he understands," Joker told her, tipping her backwards. He enjoyed the way that her eyes widened with surprise before her lips curled upwards in a catlike smirk. "Right now, I've finally got you to myself." He followed her down, settling his weight on his forearm. He slid his left hand down her side until he got to the hem of her tank top. She shivered when his fingers dipped underneath, his palm touching bare skin.

"And what do you plan on doing now that you've got me?" she asked, threading her fingers through his hair.

"Haven't the faintest. I figured I'd make it up as I go along." He ran his tongue across her collarbone, tasting the salty tang of sweat. He closed his eyes when she arched up against him as he gently bit down, her fingers tightening in his hair almost to the point of pain. She moved her hands to his shoulders to urge him upwards, giving him a deep kiss as she wiggled her hips to make room for him on the couch. She sucked in a breath when he let her hold more of his weight, his hips slowly rocking with hers.

"My cabin, now," she managed to gasp out between kisses, her nails raking over his back.

He slid his hand further under her shirt until he was cupping a breast in his palm. "Or we could just engage the lock here."

"I like the way you think." She was about to call out when the door slid open with a hydraulic whoosh. Both of them froze and almost in tandem, they sat up just enough so they could see over the back of the couch to see who had walked in.

"Okay, next time I've got to tell EDI to let me know if it's okay to enter a room when you're both there," Kaidan said, quickly turning around to give them some privacy. "We thought you'd want to know that Traynor cracked the tracking device to somewhere down on Horizon. She's waiting in the War Room to give you a full report."

Shepard stood up and hastily smoothed down her clothes. "Good. Assemble everyone in the War Room. We all need to hear this."

"Already done." Kaidan had known Shepard for some time now. It really didn't surprise him that she could switch from embarrassed surprise to Commander Mode in a blink of an eye.

"Excellent. Then I'll see you both there."

Kaidan and Joker watched as she left. Joker slowly turned his head to look at Kaidan. "So, yeah."

He smirked. "Yeah."

"Just making out with the Commander. Move along, nothing to see here." _Where the hell is my hat?_

"You made me lose the betting pool," Kaidan said. Strangely enough, he didn't sound upset about it. "I had a cool hundred that said neither of you would make a move until right before we hit Earth." He bent and picked up something from behind the couch. "Looking for this?"

Joker absently took back his hat. "There was a betting pool on us?"

"Yep. I think Chakwas started it."

"Yeah, well Karin has inside information and now she owes me and Jules half of the take." The two men walked out and made their way to the elevator.

"You might want to stop in there first," Kaidan tactfully said, jerking his chin towards the men's restroom. Joker didn't know what he was talking about until he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. His shirt was halfway untucked and even with his cap in place, his hair stuck out in different directions. He was glad that Jules didn't wear lipstick, or else he was certain that he'd have smudges everywhere.

"Hurricane Shepard," he said to himself as he put his uniform back to rights. _I'm glad she's back._


	46. forgotten

She was neck-deep in datapads and tactics when the door to her cabin opened with a silent whoosh of air.

"Room service, madam," Joker said, balancing two metal trays in his hands. "And please, remember to tip your server."

Shepard set the datapad she had been looking over onto the coffee table and met him at the short flight of stairs. Taking one of the trays, she leaned up and gave him a brief peck on the lips. "Don't take any wooden nickels," she told him, grinning when he made a face at her. "What's all this?"

"I figured you'd want to eat something before heading to the Illusive Man's base. And I know you." Taking his tray, he joined her at the sofa. "You'll get distracted by something shiny and then forget to eat anything at all."

She rolled her eyes. "I do not get dis…" she picked up her datapad when something new flashed on the screen.

"Uh huh. Sure you don't." Prying the device out of her hands, he tossed it on the other side of the sofa. "Forget about Commander-type duties for a while."

"Kind of hard to do," she replied, taking the cover off her tray. "A sandwich?"

He shrugged. "I'm not a culinary genius or anything in the kitchen, but I do know how to make a decent grilled cheese." He swiped a potato chip off her tray. "And this is the very last of my chip stash. I don't share these with just anyone, you know."

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I appreciate this, Joker, I really do." She put a hand on his knee and slowly slid it upwards to his thigh. "And I'm not talking about just dinner either."

He twined his fingers with hers. "I know. And besides," he took a bite out of his sandwich. "You're always hanging out on the bridge before big missions. I thought I'd see how the other half lived."

"Oh? So now I'm the other half?"

"Yeah, the better looking half."

She leaned against him. "I don't know about that. I have it on good authority that you're pretty hot stuff yourself."

"Really? And whose authority would that be?"

"Mine." She reached out and stole a chip off his tray. "I've always liked your eyes, Jeff."

"They're so eye-colored?" he teased, earning a smack on the shoulder.

She tried to scowl, but a smile broke free despite her best efforts. "You're never going to let me live that one down, are you?"

"Nope, never." They finished their meal in companionable silence. Shepard had to admit, it did feel good to stop thinking about everything for a brief pocket of time. Ever since leaving Earth, defeating the Reapers had been her number one priority. She'd done nothing but concentrate on fighting them and juggling the politics that were necessary to get everyone on her side. While she might not forget about the war like Joker wanted her to do, it was nice to have a buffer between her and everything else that still needed to be done, even if only for a little while.

"So, are there any _other_ parts of me that you've harbored super secret crushes on over the years?" he asked, stacking their empty trays on top of the other.

"Well, there's the complete package," she answered, gesturing towards him as a whole. "I don't think I've really fixated on one thing in particular."

He looked disappointed. "Nothing?"

"Okay, now you're fishing. You want me to tell you that I've always been fond of your cute little butt, don't you?"

He laughed. "Well, I was hoping you'd mention that, or maybe my manly arms and killer smile."

She ducked her head, suddenly shy for some reason. "I _have_ admired your hands."

He held them up and raised an eyebrow. "My hands? Out of everything, you pick these over manly arms and a cute butt?"

"To be honest, it's not just your hands. I've always liked the way that I imagined they'd feel all over my body."

Joker groaned. "Did it just get ten degrees warmer in here, or was that just me?" Wiggling his fingers, he made a gesture for her to turn around. "And since you've had a fantasy of me running my hands all over you, turn around. I still owe you a backrub."

She laughed, but did what he asked. "This wasn't _quite_ what I had in mind when I said…" she arched her back towards him and sighed when his thumbs found a knot near her shoulder blade. "Oh. Right _there_."

"You were saying?" he asked smugly. While he couldn't put a lot of pressure into the rub like he wanted to, it seemed as if just having his hands on her was enough to unwind a bit of tension she had stored up. Concentrating on the areas her uniform exposed, Joker worked his hands across her neck, his fingers slipping underneath the collar of her shirt.

"I have a confession," he said, leaning forward to press a kiss at the back of her neck, smiling against her skin when Shepard quietly hummed in pleasure. "I didn't come here just to bring you dinner."

"Oh? What nefarious deeds do you have planned then?" she asked, leaning back so they were spooned together on the sofa.

"Well, that all depends on you." He nipped at her earlobe. "I could be all charming with my smooth moves, or I could end up on my ass when you throw me out of here."

She laughed, the vibration running through his chest. "Jeff, the only reason I'd throw you out on your ass is if you _didn't_ make a move on me." Shepard moved only far enough away to hook an arm behind his neck and pull him close for a long, drugging kiss. "Let's just see where this goes, okay?"

"Sounds like a plan. We've got a while before we reach where we're going." Sliding his hands down to her hips, he urged her to turn so she was facing him again.

Smiling against his lips, Juliana tipped his hat off. Both of them ignored the way that it fell to the ground. "You're leaving your post to spend time with me?"

"Eh, EDI has the controls. The Normandy can do without me for a bit."

Her laugh turned husky. "Better watch it; your ship's going to be jealous about this other woman you're hanging out with."

He put her arms over his shoulders and leaned in until their foreheads were touching. "We had a heart-to-heart talk. The Normandy and I have decided to have a _very_ open partnership."

She tilted her head to give him a better angle to trail a line of kisses. "I'm shocked you didn't say anything about a threesome," she joked.

His reply was muffled. "Well, now that you mention it…" he leaned back and smirked at her raised eyebrow. "I'm guessing that the look you're giving me is your way of saying that _we_ have a very _exclusive_ relationship."

She sat up. "I wasn't going to say anything," she started. There were enough serious things going on; the relationship that she and Joker had didn't need any sort of heavy declarations right now. That could wait until later, once things were settled.

"You don't have to." She had a brief moment of panic that she had put him on the defensive and then he'd leave, but he took one of her hands and placed it over his heart. "But I want to let you know that I'm a one commander sort of helmsman." He gave her a lopsided smile. "I mean, after all the shit we've gone through, I haven't mutinied even once! That has to count for something, right?"

She nodded, her fingers catching on the knit of his shirt. "It does. And I want you to know that I'm a one helmsman sort of commander." Screw waiting; she was going to live in the moment, wherever that moment took them. "I mean, after all the shit we've gone through, I haven't thrown you out the airlock even once! That has to count for something, right?"

He found the pins to her bun and pulled them out. Tangling his fingers into her hair, he drew her close. "It does," he breathed, kissing her. While their previous kisses had been somewhat aggressive in nature, here he kissed her as if they had all the time in the world. He sampled and tasted, learning what made her sigh and what made her tremble against him. She pulled herself onto Joker's lap, her knees straddling him on the cushions and holding her weight. Knowing that no one would be interrupting them, her hands slowly tugged on the hem of his shirt until she drew it over his head and tossed the article of clothing somewhere behind her shoulder.

"Not fair," he rasped, arching up against her when her teeth found that spot right below his ear that made him melt. "You still have all your clothes on."

"Then you'd better get on that," she teased, reaching down between them to undo his belt.

"Yes ma'am." Jeff leaned back and moaned when he finally managed to rid her of her top. "Tell me that's Alliance issue underwear," he groaned, eyeing the black lace bra she wore. Inching his hands over her rib cage, he cupped her breasts in his hands. "Please, _please_ tell me you have a drawer full of this stuff somewhere."

She gasped and rocked against him when his thumbs circled over her nipples, drawing a moan from of both of them. "Nope, this goes against Alliance dress code. Sorry to disappoint you," she panted, bending down for another kiss. Her smile was positively catlike when she let them both up for air. "But I _do_ have a drawer full of underwear just like this. Kasumi stocked me up before she went to work on the Crucible. Said that she had a feeling I'd need it soon."

"Remind me to send her a thank-you card." He ran his tongue against the lace edging. "And flowers. Do sneaky thieves like flowers?"

"I'm sure she'll appreciate the gesture." Standing up, Juliana made a show of slowly shimmying out of the rest of her clothes. She had a brief moment of panic: she hadn't been intimate with anyone in a _very_ long time, and the last time she'd practically had a different body. What if things weren't the same? What if Jeff saw her scars and was repulsed? What if…

He must have seen her doubt, because his hands were on her, his fingers carefully framing her face. "We'll take it slow," he said, kissing the tip of her nose in such a way that Juliana felt her heart melt. Echoing her earlier words, he added, "Let's just see where this goes, okay?"

She nodded, her bottom lip caught between her teeth. "Okay." Holding out a hand to him, she led him to the foot of her bed. Leaning back on the mattress, she crooked a finger at him invitingly.

He stared down at her half-lidded eyes and lips turned upward in welcome. "Fantasy fulfilled," he muttered against her mouth. After that, there wasn't any need for more words.

* * *

Even though he was an early riser, Joker was never one to wake up instantly, alert and ready at the first ring of an alarm. He woke up in stages: the first thing he noticed was the soft, unfamiliar mattress he was resting on and the silky sheets that held the musky scent of sex laced with a faint perfume he'd always associated with Jules. The second thing he noticed was the low blue light to his right.

The first thing he _probably_ should have noticed was the fact that Shepard was still sound asleep next to him. She was curled up on her side facing him, one hand pillowed under her head, the other hand splayed over his side. Juliana was a quiet sleeper, which didn't come as a surprise, seeing as she did everything else quietly during her waking hours as well. She looked a lot younger in her sleep, all her cares and worries temporarily cast aside. The purpling smudges under her eyes were momentarily hidden by the thick fringe of her lashes and her mouth was slack instead of pinched with stress. Her hair was in a wild tangle around her, spread out like a bright flare against the white of her pillowcase. Several pieces had fallen into her face and Joker gingerly lifted them away, expecting her to stir at the slight movement. She didn't wake, but she did stretch gloriously against him with a contented sigh and snuggle closer, her face nestled into the crook of his neck.

_I love her,_ he thought, cupping her shoulder with his hand and running his thumb against the smattering of freckles he found. It was more of a quiet confirmation of fact instead of an epiphany: he'd felt this way about her for what seemed like forever, but he had never let himself put a name to those feelings until now. He lay there, letting the warmth of her body soak into his until her deep, even breathing lulled him back to sleep.

* * *

Shepard's eyes snapped open. Training deeply imbedded into her system kept her from jerking awake and making any noise louder than a sharp inhale of breath after her nightmare. The first thing she did was take stock of her surroundings; she wasn't running around in a forest, ghosts whispering at every turn. The pale blue light and bubbling of the empty fish tank was familiar, comforting.

What _wasn't_ familiar was the warmth on the opposite side of the bed. The last traces of her dream didn't stand a chance as she remembered the events of the evening before. Sometime during the night, she must have turned on her side until her back was facing Jeff. Looking over her shoulder, it seemed as if he had moved as well. Now he was flat on his back, his left arm buried under his pillow and his right arm stretched out so that he was still touching her. He frowned in his sleep when she sat up, his hand sliding from its resting point at the curve of her hip. She watched fondly as he woke up, his eyes sleepily coming into focus.

"Hey," he said, his voice still thick with sleep. Unearthing his hand from under his head, he scrubbed at his face.

"Hey." Leaning over, she pressed a light kiss to his lips. "It's still early; you should get some sleep."

He reached out, his fingers tracing a scar along her back. "You should too."

She shook her head and turned away from him. "I can't."

Sitting up, Joker wrapped an arm around her waist. "It was the boy again, wasn't it?"

She nodded, leaning back against his chest. "It was different this time. I finally got to hold him, but then we both went up in flames." She really wasn't one to put much stock in dreams, but she couldn't help but think that this was some sort of omen of things to come. "What if it means that…"

Joker's arm tightened around her. "It _doesn't_," he said fiercely, kissing her shoulder. "You start thinking like that and bad things happen. This is just another routine mission, that's all."

"Except that it isn't."

"Right, because this time you're going to kick the Illusive Man's where it hurts. That makes it at _least_ a Special Ops mission."

"Attacking his base isn't going to sit well with his Reaper pals. Ready or not, this is it, Jeff." Turning, she lay back down until she was face to face with him.

"Scared?" He was expecting her to shrug, to pull on her usual bravado. Ilos had been a piece of cake. The Collector base had merely pissed her off. Taking back Earth should be a breeze.

But then Shepard curled against his side, her fingers making patterns on his skin. "Fucking terrified." Looking up at him, she bit her lip in worry. "Everything's riding on if I made the right choices or not. What if there were resources that I missed? What if there was more that we could have done? What if…"

He silenced her with a kiss. "We're ready," he told her. "This isn't like any of the other times when it was just us against them. This time we've got an army, hell, _armies_, at our back. Look at everything that you've done in such a short amount of time." Joker leaned back so he could look her in the eye. "If anyone should be fucking terrified, it's the Reapers."

"When you say it like that…" Shepard leaned up on her elbow. "That's it. The next time someone wants me to deliver an inspiring speech, I'm letting you handle it."

"Aww, but I like your speeches. They're so heroic and stuff." He leaned over and kissed her again, just because he could. "Though I like it when you're speech_less_, like when I…" he didn't finish his sentence, trailing off instead to drag his lips over her throat and collarbone.

Juliana let out a very un-Shepardlike giggle when his beard tickled her skin. "Jeff!"

"Busy right now. Exploring new territory and such."

She arched her back as his mouth went lower, her fingers sifting through his hair. "Smooth," she told him, hooking her leg over his hip. Her short nails dug into his shoulders when his hand tugged at the back of her knee to hike her leg higher. She laughed when he rolled them over until she was on her back and staring up at the stars. Both of them groaned in frustration when the alarm at her bedside table activated, its shrill buzz cutting through the private bubble of time that they had carved out for the other.

"I hate that thing," Joker grumbled darkly, his chin resting on her belly. He laid a kiss on her hip where her tattoo used to be before moving up her body and rolling onto his back.

She sighed and reached over him to slap the alarm off. "Don't take it out on my alarm," she said. "It's not its fault that we have to get back to work."

"Kicking ass and taking names?"

"Yep." She nuzzled her face against his neck one last time before regretfully getting out of bed. "But there is a silver lining."

"Really? I don't see it."

"I was sort of hoping that you'd show up." She blushed. "In fact, if you hadn't come in when you did, I might have called you up anyway."

He leaned on his elbow. "Jules, you _minx_. If I'd known that you were planning on seducing me, I wouldn't have almost burnt myself making grilled cheese."

"So the way to a girl's heart is through her stomach?"

"Something like that."

She grinned. "Anyway, as I was saying, I set my alarm early for a reason."

"And what reason would be more important than fooling around naked in bed?"

"What else? To have enough time to fool around in the shower." Unabashedly nude, she walked towards her bathroom. Stopping once she got to the stairs, she looked over her shoulder. "Interested?"

He thought of all those times that he'd fantasized about this very thing. _All that soap and steam and…_ Smiling wolfishly, he got out of bed. "Right behind you."


	47. farewells

James had never managed to figure out Shepard's nervous tell when playing poker. He often said that she had one of the most unreadable faces he'd ever come across, which was always the reason he lost all his money whenever she joined their card games. Joker figured that Vega had never known what her nervous tic was because Shepard usually left her gun in her cabin during game nights. If he could see her now, he'd be able to tell just how unnerved she was to watch Alliance ships get torn apart by the Reapers by the rapid way her fingers were tapping on the side of the pistol holstered at her hip.

"Shuttle will be in range in less than ten," Joker said, breaking the tense silence that had settled between them.

"I'd better get going then." If anything, the cadence of her fingertips against metal increased. She opened her mouth to say something, but thought better of it. Taking a deep breath, she turned to leave.

He climbed out of his chair. "Commander?"

"Yes?" She turned in time to see him give her the crispest salute she'd ever seen from him.

"Be careful down there," he told her. She could see that there were other things that he wanted to say, but he was keeping himself from voicing them.

Standing to attention, she saluted him back. "We'll be fine. Stay focused."

"Aye, aye." He shook his head, losing some internal battle. "Permission to speak freely?"

She nodded. "Granted."

Taking three steps, Joker pulled her close. "Don't do anything stupid down there, Jules," he growled, bending his head to kiss her hard. "For once, don't be a big goddamn hero if things look impossible. Losing you would be a blow for…" _For me_, he thought desperately. "For all of us."

"I can't promise that," she said, reaching up to cup the side of his face in her hand. "But I can promise that I won't take any unnecessary risks." She leaned against him. "The same goes for you. You stay in one piece and don't do anything crazy. We're supposed to spend shore leave together after all this is over, remember?"

He turned his head and pressed a kiss against her palm. "Yeah, that's right. I didn't book anything, but while you're down in London, keep an eye out for any swanky hotels left standing. After this is over, it's going to be you and me lounging poolside with drinks that have those little paper umbrellas stuck in them."

Shepard couldn't help but chuckle at the image. "You still just want to see me in a bikini."

He wiggled his eyebrows. "You bet I do. A teeny, tiny little green one."

"Then I'd better get down to the shuttle so we can start working on our tans." She gave him one last kiss before stepping back, but she still held onto his hands.

"I'm not saying goodbye," he said earnestly.

"I'm not either." Squeezing his fingers, she moved away until they finally parted. "But I will say _see you later_ instead."

He nodded, walking back to his post. "I can do that. See you, Commander." Sliding back into his chair, he looked over his shoulder when he heard her fingers resume their restless rhythm against her gun as she made her way towards the CIC. "And Jules?"

She paused. "Yeah?"

"Have fun stormin' the castle!"

The tapping stopped. Shepard laughed, a _real_ laugh, one that he hadn't heard since leaving her cabin earlier that morning. "And here you said that _I_ quoted that movie too much."

"What can I say? It's grown on me." Forcing himself to look ahead so he wouldn't remember her walking away, he took a breath. "Shuttle will be in range in five minutes. Go give 'em hell. That's an order."

She turned around so she wouldn't remember walking away from him. "I can do that."


	48. talk

And here is where I take a little sidestep away from canon. Pretend that the Normandy didn't crash on another planet and that Shepard's communication links were still up and running.

* * *

Pain. White-hot scorching pain radiating throughout her body was all Shepard registered. It was a mystery as to how she got back on the streets of London: she could remember dragging herself towards the energy core and firing at it. She could remember emptying her pistol at the core, the hissing noise of her thermal clip automatically ejecting once it was done, adrenaline keeping her finger glued to the trigger, her pistol dry firing. She could remember the heat from the explosion, how it had made her close her eyes and shield her face with her left arm. She recalled being thrown backwards from the blast, but after that, everything was a blank. She blinked. Slowly, things began to come into focus: the soot-grey sky, scorched and smoking buildings, the sounds of cheers coming somewhere far in the distance.

And then in her ear, a voice that almost made her weep. "Shepard! Damn it, answer me!" Joker paused to take a breath, and then, almost inaudibly, "Come on baby, please. _Pick up_."

Licking her chapped lips, she tried to take a breath that didn't send a wave of agony lancing through her ribs. "I'm here."

From the Normandy, Joker leaned back his chair in relief. "Took you long enough," he said, his voice shaking.

First aid training kicked in; she kept her head and neck still in case she had a spinal injury. "You know me, heroic shenanigans take time." Looking up as best as she could, she caught a glimpse of Alliance shuttles flying by. "Did we win?"

"Yeah. You did good, Jules."

"Anderson…" Shepard closed her eyes. "Anderson didn't make it."

Joker bowed his head. "Damn it." His head snapped up when he heard a strange wheezing noise coming from Shepard's communication piece. "What's your status? You all in one piece?"

"Relatively." She flicked her eyes down to try to assess the damage. "I'm in some sort of building. My right leg smacked into a bunch of concrete on the way down. I'm thinking it's broken." Joker didn't have to know about the slightly translucent shards of bone protruding out from below her knee. "My left arm looks funny."

"Funny ha-ha or funny weird?"

"Funny, as in I don't think it's supposed to bend that way." Underneath the tattered remains of her under-armor suit, she could see that the flesh on her forearm was blistered and red. _That's what my face could have looked like if I hadn't covered it at the last second._ She coughed, blood spattering the rubble near her cheek. "I'm not Chakwas, but I'm betting there's a lot of internal damage too."

"Oh hell. Hold on, Shepard, I've got a lock on your position and I'm sending medics over."

"Negative. I'm not doing so good here." She grit her teeth and muffled a scream as she tried to move her right arm enough to press her hand to her chest, her fingers touching ragged metal. "I managed to land on a stuck up piece of rebar. I'm bleeding out pretty bad."

_No. No, no, no. I can't lose her, not now._ "Too late, I already sent them the order. Stay with me, Shepard."

"I'm cold."

"That's just your body going into shock. It's nothing big; you're gonna be _fine_." He couldn't stop his voice from cracking. "Keep talking to me." He turned his head and opened his mouth to ask EDI to monitor Shepard's life signs from her suit, but then he remembered that EDI was slumped lifelessly in the co-pilot's seat, the blast of energy that had nearly crashed their ship wiping her out. He would mourn her loss later; right now he was focused on Shepard.

"Sun's rising," she noted. "Looks like…a great day."

"It does. Give me a while to get down planetside and we'll spend it together, okay?"

"I'm so tired, Jeff."

"I know you are, but I can't let you rest right now." He gripped his armrests until his knuckles turned white. "You gotta stay awake; just talk to me, Jules. Tell me what you want to do now that this is over."

She licked her lips again. "Anderson told me once about this one fish and chips stand he knew growing up. I wanna go and see if he was lying about the fried candy bars they sold. Will you come with me?"

"Juliana Shepard, are you asking me out?"

"Yeah, I am." She would have normally smirked at the teasing tone he used, but she could tell that it was forced, almost as if he was trying to keep some other emotion out of his voice. Tears stung her eyes. "I wasted so much time, Joker. I should…I should have…" She embraced the pain that went through her chest as she sobbed.

On the Normandy, Joker's heart was breaking. "Jules, don't cry. _Please_, don't cry. Everything's going to be all right, you'll see."

She wanted to believe him, but she could already feel herself drifting off. "I love you, Jeff. I've wanted to say that ever since before Ilos. Should have said something sooner, but I was too chicken." She heard someone brokenly whimper and realized that she was the one making the noise. "And now it's too late."

"No. No, it's never too late. We've got today and tomorrow and hundreds of other tomorrows to spend together." His vision blurred and he wished that he could do something, _anything_ to help her. "Want to hear what I'm planning on doing after this is all settled?"

"Okay."

"I'm going to go out on a date and eat fried candy bars until I get sick. The Alliance had _better_ give us some sort of leave time before sending us back to work, because I'm planning on taking my most favorite redhead to a fancy hotel and the only times we're going to leave the penthouse is to go hang out by the pool. Then when we get back to work, I'm going to pilot the Normandy and listen to my commanding officer type out mission reports in the co-pilot's chair. After, we'll hang out on the bridge and play Guess the Movie Quote to kill time between jobs." His throat seized up. "But I can't do any of that if you're not here. I need you to fight for me. Fight for _us_."

"I want to. I really do, but I don't think I have any fight left." The buildings around her were starting to dim. "I was so scared that first time," she whispered, thinking back to floating in space while suffocating. "I'm not scared now."

"Shepard, _please_."

"Thank you for being here with me, Jeff. I didn't…I didn't want to die alone again."

Joker froze when he heard her breath rattle. "Shepard?" He buried his face in his hands when she didn't answer. "_Jules_?" All he heard on her end was static. Slumping against his console, he almost didn't hear someone on his other line.

"Ground medics to Normandy. Pick up, Normandy."

He wiped at his face and took a steadying breath, preparing himself to hear the confirmation of what he feared. "This is Normandy. What's your position?"

"We've reached Commander Shepard. She's in critical condition and we're prepping her for evac to the nearest field hospital."

Joker sat up straight. "She's alive?"

"Affirmative. She's out cold and she's lost a lot of blood, but we're going to do our damndest to save her."

Relief made him weak. "Good. Keep me posted on where she ends up. I need to find an LZ; I've got a doctor on board with a fully stocked medical bay to help out with other patients."

"Will do. Appreciate the help."

"No problem. Normandy, out." Taking a moment to gather his thoughts, he paged Chakwas and informed her of the situation. Concentrating on flying through debris fields took his mind off Shepard, but he knew that once he landed, nothing was going to make him leave her side.

They'd make it.


	49. forever

Shepard woke to the smell of coffee. Slowly, she tried to open her eyes, panic setting in when only one eye would cooperate with her. She hurt _everywhere_. Looking up at the ceiling, she had a severe case of déjà vu. Half-expecting Miranda to stare down at her, she lifted her hand and let out a groan.

"Don't try to move too much," she heard someone say to her right. Turning her head, she found Joker sitting in a chair he had pulled up close to the bed. His clothes looked rumpled and slept-in, the sunlight filtering in through the window nearby highlighting the dark shadows underneath his eyes. There was a still-steaming mug of coffee on the bedside table, Joker's cap sitting nearby. Juliana noticed that his hair was sticking out in different directions as if he had repeatedly run his fingers through it. She must have been out for a while; Jeff's beard looked like it had picked up a few extra days' worth of growth.

He was the most gorgeous sight she'd seen.

"Hey," she croaked, her throat dry. "I see you made it panetside."

He gave her a lopsided smile. "Told you I'd find a way down to you. Just didn't figure on spending the day like this." He reached out and held onto her hand. "Actually, you've been out of commission for two and a half days."

"Where are we?"

"You're never going to guess. Remember that ritzy hotel I promised you we'd stay in once everything was over? They turned it into a makeshift hospital." He lifted her hand to his mouth and kissed her fingers. "The penthouse is trashed, so we're stuck with second floor accommodations."

She tried to laugh, but it hurt too much. "That's it; we're leaving a bad review." Her eyes caught sight of white gauze wrapped around the crook of his elbow. "What happened to you? Are you okay? What about James and Garrus, are they all right?"

"They're fine. You should know by now that it takes more than a couple of explosions and a truck nearly landing on them to take those two out." He shook his head, amazed that she was lying there bruised and broken and still thinking of others. He held out his arm, the plastic tubing taped in place. "This is nothing serious. You lost a lot of blood; I've decided to play the part of your personal walking, talking blood bank. Docs said that you might need another transfusion until you're back to having a full tank, so I'm sticking close by."

"Still swooping in to save my ass, I see." She gave him a weak smile. "Always knew you were my type."

"Oh man, that was an _awful_ joke."

"Give me a break, I'm wounded." It hurt too much to try sitting up, so she decided to stay where she was. "So, how bad is it?"

"It could have been a lot worse. The doctors said that you had a ton of internal bruising to go along with all the cuts and scrapes you have on the outside. Surprisingly, you don't have a concussion and all the scans of your neck and spine are coming up clean. Your left arm has second-degree burns on the inside of your forearm and you have a couple of small first-degree burns on your forehead and chin. The doctors figured that you had tried to cover your face from an explosion." She nodded and he continued. "You had some pretty bad scratches on your cornea, which is why your eye is taped closed."

"Will it heal?" Her right eye was her dominant one; if the damage was permanent, she'd have to start training to get her left eye up to speed.

His fingers carefully traced around the edges of a cut on her cheekbone where Chakwas had put butterfly bandages to hold the skin together – besides the items needed for Shepard's surgery, the Normandy's supply of medi-gel had been grabbed up as soon as they landed to treat the heavily wounded, leaving them with only old-fashioned adhesive bandages for superficial injuries. Jeff had been impressed; the most that he had ever seen of Chakwas in action was when he went in to the med bay to take his medication or to get a routine scan to check for stress fractures and see how his upgrades were doing. Chakwas had quickly taken over the field hospital that Shepard had been sent to, relieving the one or two actual doctors on site and organizing incoming wounded with a ruthless efficiency, directing volunteer survivors or exhausted medics like a general on the battlefield while moving from patient to patient. "Don't worry; we're lucky that Chakwas had plenty of antibiotic eye drops on hand, so we're not going to have to go shopping for eye patches just yet. You _are_ going to have one badass looking scar running through that eyebrow though. There's another one on your cheek on that side too."

"Awesome. Garrus and I'll have matching BFF scars again." She sniffed. "What's burning?"

"That would be your hair. No one bothered to cut it, seeing that they were too busy trying to save your life, but the majority of it is toast."

She shrugged. "It'll grow back." Lifting up her left arm, she eyed the half-cast. She guessed that the burns made a full-cast impossible, especially when it came time to change the dressings. "How many bones did I manage to break?"

"Not that many. You broke your radius in three places and shattered your tibia, but that's about it. I'm kinda surprised that nothing else is broken, even though that rebar punctured a lung, nicked your heart and came _this close_ to spearing through a rib or two. It was touch and go for a while." His grip on her hand tightened. He'd been so close to losing her. He didn't think that he'd ever been that scared in his entire life. Standing up, he planted one hand on the mattress and gently tilted her face up with his other. "And you're _never_ allowed to do that _ever_ again, understood?"

"Deal." She looked up at him, realizing that he wasn't moving away. Closing her eyes, she felt his lips brush lightly against hers once, then twice.

"I love you too, Jules," he whispered. "I think I've loved you forever."

She tried to laugh, but was embarrassed when it came out as a sob. "Okay, so bursting into tears when I finally tell you how I feel wasn't quite what I had in mind," Joker mused, his thumb wiping at the corner of her eye.

"Can't help it." She leaned into his hand. "You make me happy."

"Please tell me you're not going to be one of those girlfriends who cry at the drop of a hat."

"I certainly hope not." Her heart warmed at him using the phrase _girlfriend_. "Please tell me you're not going to be one of those boyfriends who never emotes."

He grinned. "I'll try my best, but you know me." Leaning down again, he kissed her more firmly this time.

"Yeah. My favorite prickly pilot. Wouldn't trade him for anyone else."

"Glad you feel that way. The hospital is pretty short-staffed; I volunteered to help you out once you got back on your feet. I figured I have enough experience with broken bones to qualify."

She arched an eyebrow. "If you make one remark about playing doctor…"

"Aww, not even one?"

Ignoring the twinge of pain that went through her shoulder, she used her good arm to pull him closer. "I can be persuaded to let _one_ slide," she murmured before nibbling at his bottom lip. "But just one."

Nudging her nose affectionately with his, he nodded. "Then I'll have to work on a good one."


	50. unknown

"You're never going to guess who made these."

Shepard looked away from the crowd of soldiers that were congregated near an Airstream trailer. "Give me a hint." She scooted over to give Joker room to sit on the park bench, her leg cast scraping against the seat. It had been three weeks since the Reapers had been destroyed and the doctors had finally deemed her fit enough for short outdoor excursions. Actually, Juliana had forced their hand, telling them that if they didn't give her the okay, she'd bust out of the hospital on her own. She'd never been one to stay cooped up and after almost a month, she was about ready to start crawling the walls.

He handed her a foil wrapped deep-fried candy bar. "You love his pancakes."

She looked at Joker. "You can't be serious. Big Jim and Flo made it out of the Citadel?" She sat up straighter and looked inside the food truck the trailer was hooked up to. Sure enough, Big Jim was at the window, his trademark cigarette hanging over his lip as he slung food around.

"Yeah. It seems that Flo had this weird feeling a couple of days before the Reapers took over, so they packed up the diner and hung out in space for a while. When they got the word that everything was over, they made it down here to help with recovery duty. They're feeding everybody free of charge to help boost morale."

"Well, if Big Jim's burgers can't boost morale, then I don't know what will." She pushed her hair out of her face with her free hand. The vast majority of it had been either singed or completely burnt to a crisp, so she had taken shears to it. The end result was a short bob that barely skimmed her chin. Joker missed how long it used to be, but he did like that without the added length to weigh it down, her hair was a riot of unruly copper curls. It was such a different look from the ruthlessly scraped back bun that everyone was used to seeing, but the more relaxed look suited her. The stress lines around her mouth and between her eyes might be permanently etched into her skin, but they were lighter now. Rest had erased the purple shadows under her eyes and she smiled more.

There were still moments that Joker caught the tense, dark look on her face that had haunted her since first leaving Earth all those months ago, but those moments were becoming few and far between.

That same look was back now as she stared at Jim and Flo's food truck. "Too bad that Anderson's fish and chip stand wasn't here," she said. Joker had spent days searching for it, but it seemed as if the place hadn't survived the attack.

"Did you want to go to the wall?" The Alliance had set up a makeshift memorial for all of the fallen several blocks away, and while it was officially called the London Memorial, it was better known as the Anderson Memorial by soldiers and civilians alike.

She shook her head. "I don't…I don't think I can." She had said her goodbyes to Anderson atop the Citadel. To go and see everything would be like ripping a scab off a barely healing wound.

"Yeah, me either." He tucked a curl behind her ear. Looking over her head, he noticed that some soldiers were starting to point as they realized that Commander Shepard was in their midst. "Here, this'll help with the wind." He tugged off his cap and set it on her head, smiling at the way that her hair flipped out under it.

The haunted look vanished. "Wow, Joker. You're giving me your hat; does this mean we're getting engaged?" She was teasing, but she froze when his face went serious.

"Well, I haven't had much of a chance to go out ring shopping, so my hat's going to have to do for now." He cleared his throat. "Besides, it looks a lot cuter on you."

"Jeff…"

He slung his arm over the back of the bench. "I love you Jules, but this is still new. I don't want to rush into anything right now; I'd rather wait and see if we don't wind up killing each other because you can't stand the way I leave the cap off the toothpaste while I go nuts because you leave your socks all over the floor."

She made a mock-affronted noise. "I never leave my socks on the floor."

"You know what I mean." He pulled her close and rested his cheek against the side of her head. "But after we've lived with the other for a while outside of the pressure cooker that wartime can be, yeah, I wanna ask."

She beamed up at him. "Then I should probably tell you that when you ask, I'm gonna say yes, even if you _do_ leave the cap off the toothpaste."

He laughed. "Well, that takes a load of pressure off." He was going to say something else, but she grabbed a handful of his shirt and kissed him. He could hear the snap of omni-tools taking their picture nearby, but right then he was so damned _happy_ that he didn't care. "So, what now?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. Hackett's been visiting more often now that I'm on the mend. He wants me up in the air as soon as I'm able."

He read her troubled expression. "But you don't want that?"

"I don't know. I love the Normandy and I love being in space; it's all I've ever really known. But Garrus is headed to Palaven, Grunt and Wrex are going back to Tuchanka, Liara is making noises about rebuilding her information network, and even though she says that she wants to stay to help, I can tell that Tali wants to get back to her homeworld."

"What about Kaidan and James?"

"James already came to me and asked if he could be transferred to a cleanup crew in southern California. I figured that he would, but…"

"You didn't expect it to be so soon."

"No, I didn't. And Kaidan…" she grinned. "He's been talking to Jack."

Joker's eyes widened. "You're shitting me."

"Nope. He's got a spot at Grissom teaching biotic students as his cover, but the two of them have been getting pretty cozy. Apparently they fought together on the front lines and hit it off." It was weird seeing Jack actually flirt; usually the woman either took what she wanted right then or flipped everyone off. Juliana smiled. Kaidan was a patient guy. If anyone could wear Jack down until she went out on a date, it was him.

"So the Psychotic Biotic and Mr. Spectre. It's a weird combo, but maybe he'll be able to mellow her out and she'll get him to stop being so uptight all the time."

"I hope so." She rested her head against his shoulder. "I've talked to a couple of the other crew members and they've said that they're still up for rejoining us, but the Normandy's not going to be the same without the old group."

He held her closer. "You thinking about pulling a Garrus and retiring?"

She snorted. "Garrus might say that he's retired, but I can see him enjoying the quiet for a year, max. Then he'll probably create some sort of police unit on Rannoch just to spice things up." Her friend had told her that he was only staying on Palaven until everything was sorted out with his family, and then he'd rejoin Tali to start building that home on the beach they had dreamt of.

She looked out at the soldiers again. They all looked so _young_. "I _am_ tired, Jeff," she admitted. "Maybe I'll call it quits in a few years, but for now, I have a responsibility to help out as much as I can."

"What would you want to do, after?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe I _will_ find someplace to settle down, either here on Earth or one of the colonies."

"Upstate Washington is nice this time of year," Joker said. "We could get a farmhouse with a runway in the back."

"A runway?"

"Yeah, so I can have room to park the ship. It won't be as big as the Normandy, but I've got to have something to teach people in when I open up my own flight school."

"You'd give up the Normandy for me?"

He grinned. "Jules, can you _really_ see me flying the old girl with anyone else as my commander? I'd miss her, sure, but maybe I'm tired of all the fighting too."

She took a breath. "I don't want you to give up things for me."

He shook his head and traced her cheek with a finger. "It's not giving up. This is more like closing the cover on one book and opening up a new chapter on another. Just because one story's over doesn't mean that there's nothing waiting on the other side."

"That was deep. Philosophical, even."

He raised an eyebrow. "I have my moments. Besides, I can't see you settling down without getting itchy. There's an Alliance base in Washington where you can teach recruits how to be the most kickass Infiltrators ever and still be home in time for dinner."

Juliana let herself dream. "The house would have to have a big living room and a comfy couch so we could watch movies during the weekend."

"Of course. And we'd make a little garden in the back yard." He held her closer. "There'd be a huge tree there that would be perfect for a tree house for the kids."

She looked up. "Kids? I thought you said that you didn't…"

"That was before. Can we really deny the universe the awesomeness that our kids would be? They're going to have your good looks and my charming ways and probably run all over both of us." His jaw set. "And if they happen to inherit my OI, we'll teach them that anything's possible. If their dad could help save the universe, then they can do anything they want. And their mom will kick any little snot's ass that dares to make fun of them."

Laughing, she nodded in agreement. "You can teach them how to play the piano we'll have in the family room and I'll teach them how to properly sneak around."

Joker groaned. "Great, I'm going to have a family full of sneaky people."

"That's okay; we'll buy bells for everyone."

His heart full to bursting, Jeff held up his now cold fried treat for a toast. "Here's to the future, whatever it may be," he said.

Juliana touched her candy bar to his. "No, here's to _us_. Whatever the future brings, we'll face it head on together."

He took a bite. "Here's to us, Jules."

* * *

Galactic travel became more comfortable when Airstream Incorporated decided to design a midsized travel trailer capable of making mass relay jumps. They were decently priced in comarison to actual ships and virtually anything could be hooked up to them for hauling. Big Jim and Flo had a food truck from back when they were a smaller operation where they flew from fuel depot to fuel depot feeding tired pilots before they had decided to settle down in a permanent spot on the Citadel. After the war, both of them decided to go back to their portable lifestyle, though they often made long-term stops in upstate Washington to flip pancakes and grill "honest-to-god dead cow" burgers for their favorite customers. It took a while, but Shepard and Joker finally convinced them to open up a diner there on Earth and it became a popular meeting place for the entire community. Years later, several Moreau teens had their first jobs there.

If anyone goes to see _The Odd Life of Timothy Green_, the main character's house was a big inspiration. I'm the type of person that pays more attention to the sets and props in a movie, and this place snagged me to the point where I was plotting ficlets instead of paying attention to the movie itself.

I wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to read and review my story! You guys are the best! Even though I said that this would be a 50 chapter story, I developed a huge headcanon for Jules and Joker that doesn't really fit in with any of my other Shepards. Sometime soon, I'll be posting up little bits and pieces that didn't fit into the storyline, but have been nagging me to be written.


End file.
